Month: April 2017

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Autism and the Mama Bear

An Autism Mom Defends her Children

I have always tried – really, really tried – to control my nasty temper.  I used to wonder why God gave me a bad temper – then I had kids with autism and that temper comes in handy at times to get my point across to people who just won’t listen.

One of my favorite movies is “Roadhouse” with Patrick Swayze.  In one scene, he is explaining to bouncers that they always need to be nice – until it’s time to not be nice.  And that’s what I do.  I’m as kind as anyone for as long as I can be.  And then Mama Bear comes out.

Anyone who has a child knows there are times when the child needs something that isn’t being provided to them.  Whether the school is refusing to listen or a doctor ignores your gut instinct, sometimes, you need to be demanding – and maybe loud.  It isn’t easy.

I hated being the parent that the school dreaded seeing.  But my kids were more important than anyone’s opinion.  I knew what they needed and I was determined that they would have every chance to be successful.  I learned the laws of our state and I made sure the district knew I knew them.  And that I wasn’t afraid to make phone calls if I needed to.

It wasn’t just their schools that made Mama Bear show up.  I remember one day when the kids were in their early teens.  We enjoyed going to our favorite craft store and looking around for ideas of things to make.  Casey’s obsession with socks was going strong at this point and she dropped in front of strangers all the time to jerk up their pant leg and check out their socks.  Even when it shocked people, most laughed.

As luck would have it, we got in line behind a jerk.  When Casey dropped and grabbed his leg, he freaked out.  I apologized and tried to explain about her autism.  He told me I needed to “Control that kid.  Freaks should be kept at home.”  And I saw red.  I calmly turned to Mandy, handed her the keys and told her to take Casey and Rob to the van.  As soon as they were out of hearing, I lost it on that jerk.  And I mean, full-on, out of control Mama Bear.

My exact words are lost in that red cloud of anger, but I do remember calling him a few names, telling him he was the one that needed to be locked up and then I told him exactly where he could go.  A large crowd had gathered by then, but I barely noticed them.  He just stood there – probably shocked – as I yelled.  A manager came over and the cashier explained what had happened.  When I stopped to take a  breath, she told the man he wasn’t welcome in their store and to please leave.

He mumbled something and left.  I calmly pushed my cart to the counter and paid for our items.  The cashier told me I was amazing and another mom said I did what needed done.  I said thank you and left.  I am not proud of losing my temper that day – but I doubt that man ever told another mom her child was a freak that needed to be kept at home. Or if he did, I hope he thought of me.

All of my kids have graduated, but the defending doesn’t end.  Casey and Rob can’t speak up for themselves, so I continue to do so.  Last week is a perfect example.  The details are not important, but what is important is that when I felt they were not being treated right, I went straight to the problem.  Unfortunately, the true problem isn’t one that can be resolved easily and even more unfortunately is the fact that the people who were only the messengers caught the brunt of my anger.

I did apologize to each of them and explain that I wasn’t angry with them, but the situation, despite many promises, was ongoing.  I hope they understood that I truly have nothing against them – the kids like them, so I know both are kind women.  But, Mama Bear was angry and someone was going to listen to me.

If you are like me, you will find yourself defending your kids for many years.  I doubt it will ever be your favorite thing to do, either, but if you don’t get your kids what they need, who will?  If you can’t speak up at meetings, write your thoughts down and read them.  It will help you concentrate and focus.

When I am really upset, I have a hard time truly hearing what is being said.  I have gotten into the habit of taking my best friend, Tracie, with me to meetings.  I can turn to her when I’m getting upset and she helps keep me calm.  Or she jumps in and offers the solutions we have talked about previously, but in my anger, I have forgotten.  You are allowed to take supports into any meeting.  Never forget that.

Whether it is a parent mentor who is trained to mediate meetings or it is your best friend, taking someone with you can help you during meetings.  Don’t be afraid to take notes.  Don’t be afraid to ask questions if you don’t understand.  Don’t be afraid to be a Mama or Papa Bear if you feel no one is listening to you.

I still hate being the parent that people dread seeing.  I want to treat others like I want them to treat me.  But what I really want is for people to treat my kids in the same way.  Respect and kindness go a long way.  Be nice until it’s time to not be nice.  Then let out your inner Mama and Papa Bear and get your kids what they need.

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Autism and Respite Care

Autism and Respite Care

I will be the first one to admit that asking for help is not easy for me.  I don’t like admitting that I am not a super-woman that can handle all that life tosses at me.  I don’t like admitting that I like a break from autism once in a while.  I feel like saying that means I need a break from my kids.

I know – it’s crazy.  We all need breaks from each other at times.  Typical parents need breaks just like special needs parents.  Spouses need breaks – siblings need them, too.  Being away from someone makes you appreciate them even more, right?  Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that.

This weekend was one of my breaks.   Every few months, both kids spend the weekend at a camp about 20 miles from our house.  They also go for a week in the summer.  I’ll admit, the first time they went, I was terrified.  They had never been away except Grandma and Grandpa’s house and I was leaving them with complete strangers?  God was watching over my drive home that first night because I cried the entire way.  I just knew they would be upset and lonely all weekend and wonder why I left them.

As it turns out, I was wrong.  Very, very wrong.  They loved camp.  The counselors are all volunteers and are trained for the needs of each camper.  Casey and Rob made new friends and gained an independence that I could never teach them.  And I learned that, as important as we are to each other, we need to be apart, too.

The first time they spent a week away, I worried all week.  I enjoyed the time with Mandy and we did lots of fun things.  I have always tried to make sure she knew that she was just as special and important as her siblings and that week was wonderful for us.  Just watching TV and eating junk food was special because it was just us.  My biggest fear for Mandy has always been that she would somehow feel she wasn’t as important as Casey and Rob.  I won’t say I succeeded all the time, but I tried.

This weekend was a camp weekend.  I dropped them off at Echoing Hills  on Friday evening and picked them up early Sunday afternoon.  I thought about them the whole time they were gone, but I knew they were having fun.  They were going to the zoo with their friends and coloring eggs on Sunday.  The house was so quiet and I missed them.

But – I have finally realized it’s ok to miss them.  It’s ok to admit that I want to watch a movie without interruptions.  It’s ok to for me to want to go shopping with Mandy and not take Casey or Rob.  It’s ok for me to be me instead of “Mommy Jen” for a few nights.  It’s still hard for me to admit that – but sometimes, I get tired.  I love all of my kids more than anything, but I can’t be the best mom for them when I’m tired.

So, I enjoyed my lunch out.  I enjoyed shopping with Mandy and watching two (yes – two!) movies with Steve.  I crocheted this morning and watched TV in my PJ’s till noon.  I played on my tablet and I thought about them.  When it was time to pick them up, I was ready.

Like many parents of kids with communication problems, I’ve wondered if they love me.  I knew they did, but still, you know what I mean… that thought is always there.  After being away a few days, the kids are so happy to see me.  They are watching out the door for me to pull up and they run to me.  Casey’s eyes are twinkling as she hugs me tight.  Rob has a smile as he leans down and puts his forehead against mine.  The world is right again – Mommy Jen has come.

I ask about the zoo and Casey tells me she saw “da biggest tiger” and giggles.  Rob waits a few minutes, then says “turtle.”  I’m so glad he saw one – that’s what he really wanted to see.  We crank up the music and sing as loud as we can on the way home.

I doubt it will ever be easy for me to ask for help or admit I’m tired.   I know everyone needs it – no one can do everything alone.  When you are feeling alone, reach out, no matter how hard it is.  You are strong – asking for help won’t change that at all.  But the strong need to rest and if you wear yourself out, you won’t be the person your child needs.  Think about that.

Asking for help doesn’t mean you are weak.  It means you are smart enough and strong enough to know you aren’t perfect and you need help.  I know it can be hard, but ask for help and take the breaks you need from autism.  Taking breaks makes you stronger.  Take it from someone who has taken years to figure it out.

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Don’t Do what I Say!

Autism and Language

How is that for a conflicting title?  But, I mean it!   How many times have I wished my kids wouldn’t have done what I said?  Because, as with many people with autism, Casey and Rob take what they hear very literally.  There is no gray – if they hear it, it’s black and white.

The first time I realized this, Casey was about 5.  I was trying to fix a bottle for Rob and Mandy wanted help with her baby doll.  Casey wanted a drink – now!   She only said drink a few times, but she was pacing around my legs as I was trying to help everyone.  So I used the phrase my mom used on my brother and I – “Hold your pants on, Casey!”

And it worked!  She finally stood still so I could get Rob’s bottle and help Mandy.  When I turned to her, I was shocked to see her standing with her hands in her belt loops – holding her pants on.  Casey had no idea why her goofy mom told her to do that, but since that’s what I said, that’s what she did.  This was lesson that I’ve had a hard time learning as it seems I am constantly trying to remember to say exactly what I mean.

When Rob was 9, a new roof was being put on our house.  My only job was to watch him.  He loved tools and he loved climbing.  You guessed it – I turned my back for 2 seconds and he was gone.  I ran to the back of the house and he was gone.  I looked up to see him sitting on the edge of the roof, gigging.  Before I could think, I yelled, “Rob, get DOWN!”  Now, of course, I meant, use the ladder right beside him, but no, he got down.  He jumped from the roof, landed in the pile of old shingles and rusty nails, did a perfect somersault and took off.

I try, I really do, to say just what I mean, but it’s hard!  How many times a day do you say a phrase that everyone around you understands, but your child looks at you like you are crazy?  How about “It’s raining cats and dogs” or that someone is the “apple of your eye?”  It’s hard and our language is full of phrases like this.

Casey used to have a bad habit of dropping all of her clean clothes on a chair in her room.  I went in and told her to put her clothes away.  An hour or so later, the clothes were still on the chair, so again, I told her to put them away.  A while later, I went back in to see she hadn’t touched a thing.  So I said, “Casey, get those clothes off of that chair, right now!” How many of you know what happened?  Yes – you are right.  When I went to check on her, the clothes were off the chair and on the floor!   I don’t want to know how many times I have said this to her – and how many times the result is the same.  You would think I would learn.

So learn from my mistakes.  Always stop and think before you speak.  Make sure you say exactly what you mean.  Remember, they hear in black and white – no gray areas.  If you say it, they will believe you mean it.  Don’t generalize because that is something that is really hard for most people with autism to understand.  Say what you want/need in as few words as possible and be clear.

And when you do tell your child something and they do exactly what you say, laugh with them.  It’s not their fault that you are don’t say what you mean – or that you say it in an unclear way.  It’s just part of the autism that we all have to be more patient with.

What phrases have you used with your loved ones?

Have a Happy and Blessed Easter!

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Anxiety in Autism

Autism Anxiety

Anxiety in autism is very common.  Rob is especially prone to anxious moments while Casey doesn’t.  When he gets anxious, he gets loud.  And I mean a loud that you can’t understand unless you live with it.  I love him more than he knows, but sometimes, it takes all I have not to scream in my pillow.

Poor Rob.  I know he can’t help it.  He is really sensitive to new weather patterns and a drop in the barometer is likely to bring a lot of stress to him.  We joke that he is  better at predicting the weather than anyone who uses a computer model.  When the kids were in school, we had a small coat rack in the dining room for their backpacks.  Through the week, the backpacks hung there every night.  On the weekend, they hung in their bedrooms.

We always knew when a snowstorm was coming because Rob would put his backpack in his room instead of on the coat rack when he knew they would have a snow day the next day.  He was wrong only once in his entire school experience – and that was a flood, not a storm.  We still have people who text or message me asking what Rob says about the weather.

Summer storms are no different.  If Rob gets loud, or keeps looking at the dining room window, I know something is coming.  More than once, he has asked to shut the windows and I’ll tell him no, only to have the rain start within minutes.  I don’t know how he does it – only that he feels it coming.  Rain or snow – it doesn’t matter.

This week, his anxiety reached a higher level when our van needed work done on it.  When he gets anxious, he can repeat things.  And when I say repeat, I mean he may say the same thing 15 – 20 times a minute.  “Get the van” became his phrase and it continued.   Our conversation was repeated over and over.  “Get the van.” “It’s broke, Rob.  We’ll get it later.” “Get the van.” “Later, Rob.” “Get the van.” “Later, Rob, it’s broke.” “Get the van.” “Please, Rob, listen to me.  We’ll get it later.” “Get the van.” “No, Rob.” “Get the van.” “Uncle Jeff has it.” Silence.  Thank you, God – and please remind me to use Uncle Jeff more!

I can’t talk him out of his anxiety.  I can’t make him forget.  I know they both need their routines to make sense of a world that doesn’t make sense most of the time.  I don’t want to change the kids, but there are days when it drives me crazy.  Moms aren’t supposed to admit that, but who cares?  Everyone has days like that.

To help with his anxiety, I offer what I can.  Ripping magazines and cardboard helps Rob calm down (deep pressure on his hands) and cutting clay (again, deep pressure) so I make sure to keep supplies on hand.   He sleeps with so many blankets, it’s hard to find him at times, but the blankets offer pressure.  Rob also takes medications to help relieve his anxiety.

He will also look for things to break to give him the deep pressure he wants.  Pop can tabs are a favorite target, as are pencils to snap and paper clips to break.  It’s my job to find appropriate things to give him the deep pressure he so desperately needs.

He has been going to aquatic therapy once a week and thoroughly enjoys that.  He has a swing to relax in.  He gets the tightest hugs I can give him.  The list of what we’ve tried is long – chewy candy, gum, ankle or wrist weights to name a few.  Every day, I try to think of something else.  Luckily, everyone around us is thinking, too, and nothing is too silly to try.

Anxiety in autism is hard for our kids, but maybe even more for us.  As parents, we want nothing more than to help our children be happy and it isn’t easy to admit we are out of ideas.  Something important to remember (and I have to remind myself of this!) is that our kids are often super-sensitive to the moods of people around us.  The more anxious we are to help their anxiety, the more anxious they may become.

As hard as it is, try to relax.  Yes, your child will have hard days.  But – you need to be ready to give the hugs or the pats on the head or whatever it is that your child craves from you.  Relax and remember that the tough days always pass and easier ones come.

Smile and hug your family!

Jen