Month: December 2017

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An Autism Mom’s List of New Year’s Resolutions

Autism Mom's New Year's Resolution

Happy New Year!  I hope each of you had a Merry Christmas!  Now is the time that we all think about what we really want from the coming year and what we would like to change.  Getting organized, getting healthy and saving money are always at the top of most people’s lists and while I think those are all awesome goals, my list looks a little different, thanks to autism.

Resolution #1 – I resolve to ask for help when I need it – hopefully, before I have a meltdown of my own.   Asking for help is not easy for me and I hate doing it.  I know I  need to.  I know life is easier when I have help.  I know I have friends and family that are only a phone call away and who want to help the kids and me.

And I know how much I just hate to do it.  I have never liked asking for help – this isn’t something I learned from autism.  I have no idea why.  Maybe my stubbornness has something to do with it.  I always feel like I should be able to handle anything autism throws at me.  Is that unrealistic?  Of course – and the funny thing is, I know it’s crazy.  So – I’ll do my best, but this will probably be my most difficult resolution.

We all need help at times.  Reach out when you need to!  There are people willing to help you – you just may have to search for them.

Resolution #2 – I resolve to make time for me.   I don’t have to ask for help for this one – I just have to do it.  I need to write more, craft more, read more, yoga more.  I’m really good at taking care of others, but not so good at doing what I want for me.  I’ve been working at this for a few weeks, now, so hopefully, this will be an easy resolution to keep.

You have to do the same thing.  If you don’t have time for you and what you enjoy, you will burn out.  Been there, done that and trust me, it’s not pretty.  You can’t take care of your person with autism if you are burned out.  Helping yourself will help your child, I promise.  Do what you love and I guarantee dealing with autism will be easier.

Resolution #3 – I resolve to thank the people who help with Casey and Rob more.  And to thank the friends and family who send me texts or messages just to say hi and see how we are doing.   I can never tell you how much those quick messages mean to me – bright spots in my day.  I’ve made so many new friends thanks to autism and I hope that my messages to them help, too.  A simple hi or a smiley face can truly brighten someone’s day.

To the people who work with Casey and Rob – thank you!  You don’t have an easy job.  I hope you understand that sometimes, when I am angry, I’m not angry at you – I’m just tired and stressed and don’t want to deal with autism anymore.  Please know that I get tired of hiding paper clips and Q-tips and juice boxes at home, too.

Resolution #4 – I resolve to spread more awareness of autism.   By writing this blog, sharing our circus and keeping up with our Facebook page.  By taking the kids wherever they want to go with whatever supports they need.  By telling those who stare why Casey and Rob are doing what they are doing.  By controlling my temper when the stares are accompanied by rude comments and by losing it when I need to.

We all benefit with more awareness.  It won’t be just our autism families who are helped.  Any family who has someone a little different might find a more accepting world.  A kinder world – isn’t that something we all want?

Resolution #5 – I resolve to follow my own dreams and not let autism take over my life.  This is a little like doing things for myself, but on a much larger scale.  It’s much easier to take five minutes to crochet or meditate than it is to spend hours planning how you can reach for your own dreams.  It’s hard for me to write as much as I would like – real life tends to get in the way at times.  This year, I want to reach for my own dreams and not just push the kids to reach for theirs.

This resolution works whether you have a special needs person in your life or not.  As parents, we always put the kids first.  I’m not saying to ignore your kids, but you do have the right to follow your dreams, too.

So, as we count down the last days of the year, think about what you really want your resolutions to be.  Take small steps and allow yourself to make mistakes – progress is rarely a straight and narrow path.  Just like the progress our kids make – it is often a small step forward, a step back, a step to the right, a step forward.  You can do it!

Happy New Year!  Thank you for following our journey!

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An Autism Mom’s Christmas Wish for You!

An Autism Mom's Christmas Wish for You

Only two more days till Christmas!   My wish list for each of you and your families is below.

  • A few hours of uninterrupted sleep.
  • A child who will wear clothes all day.
  • An understanding family who will have a quiet place for your little one to relax.
  • A meal that has something your child will eat – and if you have to take it, an compassionate hostess that understands your needs.
  • Gifts that your child will enjoy – whether it’s age- appropriate or something odd (like bubble wrap!)
  • A family photo
  • Lots of laughter!
  • A nice afternoon nap – for you and your child!
  • A few minutes for you to breathe deeply and remember just how far your child has come.
  • Strength and patience to not smack people who won’t accept your child.
  • Teachers, therapists, doctors and staff who love your child and are willing to do their best for them.

May each of you find the peace, joy and love that is the true reason for the season.  Merry Christmas to all!

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How to Help Families with Autism Enjoy the Christmas Season

Helping families with Autism Enjoy Christmas

This is such a busy time of year for everyone and, unfortunately, all of the craziness can be especially hard on the families who live with autism every day.  Now is the time for each of us to practice patience and acceptance even more than we usually do.  Here are some ideas to help everyone have a more Merry Christmas.

Please, if you are having a party, do invite the family with autism.  True, they may not come, but just being invited means so much to us!  Life is tough enough without sitting home and knowing that others just don’t want your family at an event.  Invite them – and be ready to accept them into your home!

Be understanding if they bring their own food for their little one.  Picky eaters don’t become “non-picky” just because it’s a party.  Don’t be insulted if they bring snacks – it isn’t meant to be that way.  It just makes having fun easier when they know their child has something to eat.

Perhaps you could light fewer scented candles.  The smells of the party guests (perfumes, colognes, etc) will be strong enough for anyone with a hypersensitive sense of smell.  If you have a place, maybe you could prepare a quiet spot for your guests.  It can be an empty room or just a spot in the corner for them to feel safe.

Speak to the child with autism!  Just say “hi” and smile.  You can’t imagine how happy you will make the parents by simply saying hi.  So many times, our kids aren’t spoken to because they may not answer.  So what?  Say hi anyway.  The child will know you spoke – and may even say a quiet hi back!

If you are buying a gift for the person with autism, talk to the parents first.  An adult with autism may still love child’s toys – like Casey with her Sesame Street friends.  Now isn’t the time to “force” the person to be an adult.  Buy what they like and enjoy the smiles when they open your gift.  As I’ve said before – Casey and Rob are getting some odd things for Christmas (think bubble wrap and children’s toys) but I don’t care.  I can’t wait to see their excitement Christmas morning, after they see what Santa brought.

Be sensitive to a family’s traditions.  Casey still believes in Santa and I don’t want anyone telling her different.  She can’t wait to hear sleigh bells Christmas Eve and pretend to be asleep so Santa will stop at our house.

Be understanding of the over-excited child at a parade or school function.  Most people seem to assume the child is being a “brat” and that parents can’t or won’t control him/her.  You may simply be seeing a child with sensory issues.  And if you do happen to see a child (or adult!) having a meltdown, don’t judge.  Offer the parent a smile and help, but remember, we deal with this every day and don’t be insulted if we decline the offer.

Parents- you know your child best.  I know not to take Rob into crowds for too long or his anxiety will ruin the day for all of us.  He doesn’t enjoy parties and even at our family dinner, he will join us for short periods of time, but he also stretches out in my brother’s old room for some peace and quiet.  And that’s ok.  Casey is always right in the thick of things, but once her plan has been finished (eat then presents) she just sits and watches the silliness.  She will join in games, sometimes, but others, she just watches and laughs.

While Rob is a picky eater, I don’t have to take anything special for him to eat.  He likes ham and rolls, so he nibbles on those and disappears upstairs again.  He likes to open presents, but when he’s done, off he goes again.

If there is something special Casey wants to do, I’ll find someone to take her or someone to stay with Rob so I can take her.  She loves going to see “The Nutcracker” every year when my niece, Anna, is dancing, but Rob won’t even consider it.

I have a hard time with this, but I’ll share my advice with you.  Parents, it’s ok to do things without your child.  I always hate feeling like I’m leaving them out, but it’s ok that I want to enjoy things without worrying about their needs.  Maybe one of your holiday traditions can be a dinner and movie without the kids.  Or just a drive around to see the light displays.  It’s hard to leave them, but it’s ok.

When you are taking your child to a new place, take whatever they might need to enjoy it with you.  Pack a bag of snacks or fidgets or whatever they like.  If they are happy and relaxed, you will all have more fun.  Who cares what others think?  Even parents of “typical” kids are giving them iPads or cell phones to entertain them while waiting – why shouldn’t you do the same?

Expect that your child might be “off” for a few weeks. When Casey was little, December was not a good month at all.  The meltdowns and screams were terrible. It wasn’t until she was older that we discovered why.  She was never sure she had been “good” so Santa would stop.  She knew how upsetting her meltdowns were to me and was worried Santa would think she was bad.  It was heartbreaking for me to discover that.  She was (and still is!) such a literal thinker.  Good or bad – there was no middle ground.

As for us, we are excitedly waiting for Santa to bring some unusual gifts our way.  We are singing Christmas songs and planning a big day of baking soon.  We still have some gifts to finish creating (aren’t those the best kind?) and Christmas movies to watch.  We have Christmas socks (imagine that!) and Christmas shirts (with Rob saying “no fanks, please, mommy Jen”) and are counting the days till we are all together at my parent’s house.

I hope each of you can find the peace and joy of the season amid the chaos of autism.  Enjoy every special moment that is unique to your family!

 

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Autism and Odd, But Fun Christmas Traditions

Autism and Odd, But Fun, Christmas Traditions

Every family has their own traditions for holidays or other special days in the year.  An autism holiday tradition  may not be like other families, but they are what works for us.  Each family needs to find what works for them and makes their family happy.  Who cares if it isn’t something that anyone else would understand?

Our family does have a few traditions, but we are also very good at flying by the seat of our pants at times.  We decorate the weekend after Thanksgiving and the kids help with the trees in their rooms and our “family” tree in the living room.  Each of the kids have gotten special ornaments every year for Christmas so they have big collections.  Looking at that tree is like watching them grow up all over again – from the Baby’s First Christmas ones to the Power Rangers to the Rug Rats to Pooh and Dr. Seuss.

Another tradition is to open presents from each other during the day on Christmas Eve.  I started this when they were little and just couldn’t wait until the next day.   Casey, Rob and Mandy would exchange gifts and it was often enough to keep them busy for a few hours.  I also wanted Casey and Rob to understand that Santa didn’t bring everything.

Santa still comes to our house.  I don’t think Rob ever really believed that a man came into our house on that night, but Casey still firmly believes in Santa and the magic of Christmas.  Thanks to that, the magic will never truly leave our home and I’m so glad for that tradition.   I love watching her eyes when she discovers that Santa came again.

Last year, for the first time, Rob got up in the middle of the night and raided his stocking.  He was always the one who went to sleep and had to be pulled from bed the next morning to open presents.  I can’t wait to see what he does this year.  Casey is always too excited to sleep on Christmas Eve and as a result, after she opens presents, she goes back to bed.  She used to say “Get up in da dark” for days before Christmas, while I reminded her to get up in the light!

Another Christmas Eve tradition for our family is a long drive to look at decorated houses around town.  Casey has already asked about this year and giggled when I told her we would go.  When they were little, I would give them  baths and bundle into new Christmas pajamas before we left, but that doesn’t happen anymore.  They both enjoy the quiet ride to see the lights and it helps relax them before trying to sleep.

Every year, I try to take them somewhere special to see Christmas lights.  Casey still wants to talk to Santa, but I have to be careful as Rob is likely to pull his beard off to see who is really there – or completely ignore him.  He has never been happy to see Santa or sit on his lap.  I may have one picture of him near Santa, but that’s ok.  I know many families really want pictures with Santa but it’s never been a real concern for me.

Last week, we drove to a nearby county to see their decorated courthouse.  I thought Rob might like it, but that it wouldn’t interest him for long.  I knew Casey and Mandy would like it.  I was so surprised!  Rob giggled and laughed the whole time we were there.  I took several pictures of the three of them together and in each they are laughing together.  Seeing that was truly this mom’s Christmas joy!  The only thing that would have made it better was if Cory had been able to be there, too.

Your favorite traditions may have to be altered a little for your family but that’s ok.  If your little one wants a tree decorated with socks (how Casey would love that!) or with blocks, who cares?  Decorate how you want to and enjoy the smiles and giggles.  You may have to hide special items or put them up high to protect them, but that’s ok.  I remember one year that the kids decorated the family tree and all of the ornaments were from their height down.  While I laughed about it and how cute it was, a friend commented that I needed to “fix” it.  Why?  The kids worked hard on it and were so pleased with how it looked.  Why in the world would I want to change that?

Traditions are wonderful additions to family life, but they are supposed to add to the love and fun, not cause more stress.  Stop worrying about what other people might think of pumpkin shaped cookies at Christmas and think about how much fun you had making the cookies with your family.  If church isn’t an option, you can still read the story of Jesus’s birth and play with a nativity set.  We are so used to adapting our lives to autism – I don’t know why so many people forget that at Christmas.

Autism isn’t going to take a break for the holidays (But how cool would that be?  Maybe… or maybe not) so why would you try to force a “normal” Christmas?  And how many families have those perfect holidays, anyway?  Personally, I think “Christmas Vacation” is probably a good idea of how many holidays are – we just don’t inside other houses.  We don’t see how other families have to adjust their ideas also.

The only thing you should worry about is a happy day for your family.  Never compare your holiday to anyone else’s and don’t assume everyone else has it all together.  This time of year is busy for everyone and really, you have the perfect opportunity to find the peace and joy everyone wants at Christmas.

No one expects autism families to attend every event or join in every party.  We have the perfect excuse to say, “No, thank you.  We appreciate the invitation, though.”  We can stay home and create our own traditions.  How about piling blankets in the living room and watching Christmas cartoons together?  Create ornaments every year or take a walk in the snow.  Stop and take  a deep breath.  Find the joy of the season in your own unique ways.  I’d love to hear what traditions your family enjoys!  I’m always looking for new ideas!

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Autism – How to Find the Perfect Christmas Gifts

Autism - How to Find the Perfect Gift

Over the last week, I’ve read several posts by parents or grandparents of people with autism wondering about Christmas gifts for their loved ones.  I’ll admit – I don’t have the perfect answer, as I struggle with Rob every time I want to buy him a gift.

The conversation goes something like this.  “Rob, tell me what you want for Christmas.” “The presents.” “What do you want in the presents?” “A present.” “But, what kind of present?” “A present.” “A CD?” “CD.” “New Legos?” “New Legos.” “Crayons?” “Crayons.”  And on and on.

Casey, on the other hand, has been able to tell me what she wants for several years.  She is a very detailed list maker.  This year, an orange t-shirt, a blue turtleneck, jeans, Elmo book and “da biggest Grover” top her list.  And, she tells everyone different things to be sure she doesn’t get duplicates.  She is a planner, that’s for sure.

So, I struggle with Rob.  I try to think of what he is interested in, but right now, paper clips and cardboard are the top of his list.  He loves the original Mighty Morphin Power Rangers and the Wizard of Oz.  He doesn’t care about clothes (unless I want him to wear new ones!).  Dr. Seuss books are always a hit, but he has his favorites, so why buy more?

He doesn’t watch DVD’s or TV.  He doesn’t listen to CDs anymore, as he uses his iPad.  He plays with Legos and loves small wooden trains.  He doesn’t wear his hats anymore and he has a huge pile of soft blankets.  He collects magazines, but I can’t figure out which ones he will save and which ones he will rip up.

He loves street signs and bubble wrap and popsicle sticks.  He loves McDonalds and fruit and frozen pizza.  I’m sure you are beginning to see my dilemma.  The funny thing is, he loves to open presents.  He used to open one and be done, but now, he rips through them and enjoys it.  So I want him to have things he enjoys in those packages.

Maybe he just likes the surprise of opening the gifts.  I remember one birthday, he shared he wanted Ryan and Kelsey and Kenzie to come over.  Among the gifts were a jar of pickles and a huge pile of crayons and cardboard.  He was the happiest little guy in the world that night.  Ryan’s parents told me they tried to talk Ryan out of buying pickles for Rob, but he giggled when he opened that gift because he was so excited.

One Christmas, he got a Cat in the Hat hat and Hulk hands and insisted on wearing both the rest of the day.  That’s the excitement I want to bring to both of them on Christmas.  Something that will bring smiles and giggles and that they don’t want to put down.

That’s why, a long time ago, I decided that what they liked was what they were going to get, whether it was “age-appropriate” or not.  If Casey wants Sesame Street, she’s going to get Sesame Street.  If Rob wants a toddler train set, that’s exactly what he is going to get.  I’m tired of people saying they don’t think it’s right for adults to play with toys.

I’ve heard parents say they don’t want to feed their child’s obsession with toys.  What about the parent’s hobbies?  How many of them collect things?  Or have a hobby they obsess over?  Golf, TV shows, books.  They enjoy those hobbies, so why can’t our kids just enjoy their hobbies?  Why do people insist on calling their likes “obsessions” and want to change it?  A diagnosis of autism doesn’t change the fact they are a person with their own personality.

Rob got a stop sign and a railroad sign for his birthday.  He was happy to hang them in his room.  His helmet from Halloween has been added to his Wizard of Oz collection.  He may get some odd things for gifts, but he is happy and isn’t that what we want for our kids?

When you shop for gifts for your children, stop worrying about what other people think.  When you buy gifts for “typical” people in your life, you buy what they would enjoy, even if you don’t care for it.  Why can’t buying gifts for your kids be just like that?  If your child loves baby rattles, who is it hurting to give them rattles?  The only thing you should worry about is how hard your child will laugh as they open their gifts.

Sometimes, people with autism don’t care about getting gifts at all and that’s ok.  Buy a few things for them, just in case this is the year they want to join in, but don’t stress over it.  Christmas is a time for peace and joy, not trying to force someone to enjoy an activity.  I know all about the guilt of trying to spend the same amount on each child.   I do, but Rob and Casey’s gifts might seem odd to others.  Again, I don’t care.  I want to see joy on their faces whether it’s a box of paperclips for Rob, the newest Sesame Street toy for Casey, a craft item for Mandy or a car part for Cory.

I don’t know what it is about Christmas and other special days that causes autism parents to stress over things we don’t think about it all any other time of the year.  Maybe it’s that daydream of the perfect holiday and we want everyone to enjoy it like we see in movies.  Perfect holidays are different in every house.  Every family has their own version of happy days.

So, this year, buy the box of paper clips or socks or baby doll or race car your loved one would enjoy and don’t worry about what others think.  Buy (or don’t buy) and let the stress of the perfect Merry Christmas go.  Perfect and normal isn’t nearly as much fun as watching someone’s eyes light up and hearing their giggles as they open their gifts.