Month: December 2020

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Autism and my Christmas Wish for You

Autism and My Christmas Wish for You

With less than a week to go before Christmas, Casey is getting more excited every day. She reminds me every morning that Santa is coming soon and that she is hoping for a new Elmo. Rob just grins at her, but he never mentions Santa unless I ask him what he wants for Christmas – then he says “Santa.” It took years for us to get to this point and I plan to enjoy every single moment.

My wishes for you are the same as the ones I want. Simple ones, really.

  1. I wish for excitement on Christmas morning, whether it is squeals of joy, flapping hands, or beautiful twinkles of their eyes. Honestly, there won’t be any of that at our house. Casey will be in full-on holiday mode and until everything has happened that she expects for that day, she is unable to fully relax. But, I will catch a small grin as she opens a new Elmo or a whole book of color by number pictures. Rob won’t say a word, either. But, he will carefully peel of the plastic wrap on his new signs and hold them in his lap as he opens other gifts.
  2. I wish for a meal of laughs and fun. I don’t know what a quiet meal is – and imagine quiet dinners would be quite boring, unless you were having a romantic date with your significant other. I wish for food that Rob will enjoy ( he loves ham!) and disposable plates. I wish for my family to be together and for the laughs (and once in a while, a roll or carrot!) to fly!
  3. I wish for tons of pictures to capture each moment – even the “boring” ones.
  4. I wish for an anxiety free day – whatever that looks like for you. For us, that means Casey and Rob have plenty of downtime at home between their dad’s house and my parents’ house. They get to relax and unwind.
  5. I wish for health for everyone. This year, especially, things might look a little different for you. We have small family dinners each year, so that’s our plan for this year. I hope between now and Friday, no one is sick or quarantined.
  6. Most of all, I wish for you – peace, acceptance and love. None of this may look like you once thought, but that doesn’t mean it still isn’t perfect for you.

Merry Christmas to each of you! Be happy, be safe and remember the reason for the season.

With hugs and love,
Jen

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Autism and a Christmas Party

Autism and a Christmas Party

This post is going to be a little different, as usually I’m talking to families or professionals that are with people with special needs every day. This post is for those who have little to no experience with people with autism. Please – print and share this with anyone you may encounter this holiday season!

While Christmas is a very magical time for most people, for those with autism, it can be even more difficult to handle the day to day stress and anxiety. Unlike what many people believe, people with autism do enjoy the holidays – on their terms. They may not be able to tell you what they want for Christmas or tell you what they would like to do, but they want to be a part of the excitement, too. Again, on their terms.

Some may enjoy a huge, loud party with all kinds of food and plenty of people to talk to. Casey and Rob would hate that. They much prefer small gatherings with people they know and are comfortable with. My point is – just because my kids would hate it, doesn’t mean their friend Brandon would. Tyler and Adam like to be the life of the party, while Riley prefers smaller groups. There is no one size fits all – but, please… invite us. We don’t want to be ignored. We may not be able to come or stay long, but you have no idea how happy we are just to be included.

Going to stores can be especially tough during this time of year. The stores are crowded – things are moved around – the music is loud. Sensory issues can can an overload and a meltdown. We don’t need your laughs or your negative comments. Either be kind or get away from us. Trust me – nothing you say will surprise us autism parents. We’ve heard it all. Just remember – our patience is saved for our children, not for you.

Excitement may be hard for people with autism to handle. They may rock or hum or flap their hands or squeal. Be happy and enjoy their excitement – you don’t need to be concerned. Anxiety may be higher and cause more calming behaviors, such as rocking or squeezing their hands or cheeks (Rob used to squeeze his chin as hard as he could when he got anxious. Now he flips at his ears.) Again, you don’t need to worry. Ask if they need help, if you can be kind.

Be understanding if we come to your party and bring our own food. Casey will eat almost anything. Rob won’t. Riley won’t. Tyler and Brandon aren’t as picky. Adam only likes certain things. We aren’t saying we don’t like your food choices by bringing our own food. We are simply hoping that if our children have what they need, we might be able to enjoy your food and a few minutes to eat it.

And – understand if we come to your party looking like we are moving in. We may have a favorite blanket or stuffed animal, an iPad, coloring books, headphones – you name it and we may be packing it. We are not spoiling our kids – we just want them to enjoy themselves in the hopes that we can have fun, too. If you have a spare room that we could use as a quiet space, that would be amazing.

And, please, please, understand that many of our kids believe in Santa forever. Don’t spoil that magic for them. Casey believes in Santa and the Easter Bunny. Rob will talk about both, but whether he truly believes in them or goes along for Casey’s sake, I don’t know.

On last thing – we know our lives can be confusing to those who don’t live them. If you have a question or concern, please ask us. It may be hard to talk about at times, but we would much rather be asked questions than to be ignored. Learn more about autism. Discover how amazing people with autism are. Accept us and you will find the most wonderful love and joy.

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Autism and Christmas Challenges of the Past

Autism and Christmas Challenges of the Past

I have always loved Christmas. But, for many years, December was not always a magical month for us. Kids are always excited about Santa, but autism can throw a wrench into even the best laid plans.

For many years, as soon as Thanksgiving was over, Casey got irritable. Her meltdowns became even more frequent and even when she wasn’t melting, she was on edge. Knowing she was close to screaming kept me on eggshells, too. I knew she was excited about Santa. I knew she had a hard time waiting. What I didn’t know was what the actual problem was.

Everyone always asked her, “Have you been good this year?” Or said. “Santa won’t come if you aren’t good.” She is a literal thinker. I finally discovered – she was never sure she had been “good” enough for Santa to bring her gifts. She thought Mandy and Rob would get presents, but not her.

I won’t lie. I cried when I realized that. How terrible for her to think about that for a month every year and have no way of telling anyone why she was upset. And, of course, every time she got upset, she thought Santa was putting her on the “bad” list. Can you imagine wondering if you are good enough and not being able to talk about it?

To help with the waiting, we made paper chains and every night, they took turns tearing a link off. This was a very visible reminder of when Santa was coming. It helped Mandy, too. This might be worth a try for anything your child is looking forward to. We had calendars with changeable numbers to count down the days, but these really didn’t help Casey or Rob.

Buying gifts was easier when they were little. Rob loved anything with wheels. Casey didn’t play with toys like Mandy did, but she loved getting new ones. She had baby dolls and Barbies and while she didn’t play with them like Mandy did, she liked holding a baby and watching Mandy.

I tried to do Christmas crafts with them. Sometimes, it worked… Sometimes it was a disaster. Rob joined in because Mandy was. Casey might or might not. We baked cookies together. Again, it was hit or miss whether they would help. We didn’t go many places. Stores were loud, hot and crowded and with Rob’s sensory issues and Casey being irritable anyway… Nope, not happening. I shopped while they were in school.

Neither Casey or Rob could wait for anything for very long. We tried to visit Santa. Rob would have nothing to do with him. Casey couldn’t wait in long lines. Now, most malls have specified times for special needs families to see Santa and I think that is so wonderful! (This happens in a non-pandemic world. This year, Santa visits are very different if they happen at all.)

Last night, I saw proof again at how much they have changed. There was a local light display at our fairgrounds and they wanted to go. I knew it would be crowded (it was drive thru) so we left early. We still had to wait over an hour to get in. Casey did sigh deeply several times, but they were both okay waiting. (Honestly, I was more impatient than they wore – I knew we were less than 3 blocks from fairgrounds – no idea why traffic didn’t move when it opened.) I was so proud of them!

To make it even better, Casey got to see Santa and wave to him. (She was very concerned when our parade was canceled about seeing him) and Rob got to see Mater from the movie Cars. Plus lots of lights and inflatables.

Your Christmas season may not be what you want and hope for. But – that doesn’t make it a bad holiday! Instead of looking at others and wishing you could do what they do, start your own traditions. Make your family holiday memorable to you and stop comparing.

Because, there is one thing I am sure of – while you are looking at others and wishing your Christmas was like theirs, someone is looking at you and wishing their holiday could be like yours. Do you. Be unique. Be special!