Autism and How to Survive (and Maybe Enjoy!) Holiday Parties

One of the statements I hear most often is how people dread holiday parties when their children has autism.  I am lucky – my family understands and loves my kids.  Even with this support, there are still times I worry about going to family events.  (And I can hear my brother, now “Just chill!”)   I try to, but I overthink when I’m tired or stressed.

It was so  much harder when the kids were younger.  Their sensory issues (especially Rob’s) and her need for strict schedules caused more than a few stressful moments.  Some family members didn’t understand – some thought they could be disciplined enough to lose the autism.  (They don’t see those people anymore!)  Now, I still need to consider their sensory issues, Rob’s anxiety and her strict schedules, but it’s easier to handle.

When you are deciding whether to attend a party or not, I think the first thing to consider is how the people feel about your children.  This may not sound nice, but if you know the other party guests will not be accepting of your kids, you need to consider whether they will be kind to them or say cruel things.  Your first priority is always to protect your children from people like that.  Family or not – if someone is not kind to my kids, we stay away.  I don’t need that and neither do they.  I know it’s hard to do sometimes, but really, why would you want to be around someone who isn’t kind to your kids?  

If you choose not to go, simply tell the hostess you have other plans for that day.  Or, simply tell them the truth – that you think it would be better for your children if you not come.  Remember – anyone who loves you will understand.  And, if they don’t understand or get upset – they aren’t your friend.  You don’t  need that in your life.  That’s the thing to always remember – those who love you will understand, no matter what.

Once you decide to go, think about what you might need.  If you have a child who is a picky eater, bring food with you that they will like.  Explain to the hostess that your child has a special diet and that you bring food wherever you go.  It’s silly to me that if someone has a food allergy and brings their own food, no one thinks anything about it, but if they have sensory issues and need a special diet, people are insulted.

I suppose it is because unless you live with sensory issues and the problems they can cause, you simply can’t imagine how difficult life can be for anyone with them.  It’s impossible to understand that foods can make a person gag or have a meltdown if they are afraid they might be forced to eat something.  We have lived with sensory issues for so long, yet there are still times that I miss a clue that something is bothering Casey or Rob.  Especially noises – I don’t always hear what they do.

So pack snacks or a meal for your child.  Bring whatever utensils they may need to eat.  Feed them early if you need to or give them snacks throughout the party.  Do what you need to so your child can relax and you can enjoy the party, too.

Bring an iPad if your child enjoys that.  Yes, you may hear comments about using an electronic babysitter (usually from parents who give their child their phone or park them in front of the TV to keep them entertained!) but, again, this is about your child relaxing, not worrying about what others think.  This is to help your little one get through a party – and maybe giving you a few minutes to visit with other adults.

If your person with autism has trouble with noise, bring a pair of noise-canceling headphones.  Ask your hostess if there might be a dark, quiet room (or even a corner of a room) where your child can go to calm themselves if they start getting anxious from the crowd.  

Let your child wear whatever they are comfortable in.  Yes, it would be awesome if they were wearing a cute Christmas dress or outfit, but is it really worth it to have a screaming child because the clothes are not comfortable?  Nope, not at all.  Even if the party is a “dress-up” kind of party, let your child wear something they are happy in – or don’t bother to go because it’s not going to be a good evening.  You might be okay for a little while, but sooner or later, they will decide the clothes are too much.  You will be looking at a meltdown or a naked child running through the party.  (yep – been there, done that.  Three year old Casey once stripped to nothing at a family reunion because she wanted to play in the wading pool and refused to get her clothes wet, even though I told her it was fine.  She stepped in pool with clothes on and stripped before I could stop her.   🙂  )

If your child needs deep pressure to stay calm, bring a weighted blanket or sleeping bag with you.  Pack a bag of favorite toys or fidgets – even if your child is an adult!   Age doesn’t matter when you need something!   Let people think what they want.  Your child’s happiness is your goal – not to live by another person’s warped opinion.

Please, if you are having a party, invite the family with autism.  They may have to say no, but you have no idea how good it feels to be invited, even if you decide not to go.  Ask the family if there is anything you can do to help them enjoy the party.  Offer a quiet place for the person with autism to relax.  Consider their possible sensory issues as much as possible – leave the scented candles unlit, dim what lights you can.  You have can’t imagine how amazing it feels to know someone is willing to go the extra mile to make sure your child is able to attend a party!

I know how hard it is to decide to go to parties.  Like I said, I still doubt myself at times.  But – you can’t let autism always rule your life.  That isn’t fair to you or your child.  You will never know until you try – and you just might get a beautiful Christmas surprise.  Go and be ready to leave if you need, but give your child a chance to show you and everyone else what he/she can do!  Plan ahead and don’t worry about what others think.  You don’t need that stress.