Autism and Mom Guilt

Later today, we finally be celebrating my niece’s high school graduation.  The party is at her grandparent’s house.  I’m feeling so guilty because I’m not taking Rob.

He is welcome, of course, and no one would mind his noises.  But, we were there the other night and he “claimed” a spot in their living room as his safe place.  Bill and Reeva don’t care, as they love him.  But – I can’t be sure he won’t go looking for things to rip up, so I will be constantly running in to check on him.  And I just don’t want to.

Yeah, I know that makes me sound terrible.  Tracie is going to help keep an eye on them, but I don’t want her stuck in the house with Rob.  She is family and should be able to relax and visit, too.  And, the weather is supposed to be stormy off and on all day.  And, I am just not feeling very patient today.  I just want to talk to people.  Selfish?  Yeah, but that’s how I feel.

Last night, I found out Mandy’s plans had changed for the day and she told me to ask him if he would rather go to her house.  Truthfully, I know he would much rather do that.  She is even going to take him out for supper somewhere.  He will be happier.  I will be happier.  Casey will be happier.

I still feel guilty.

I am a firm believer in people with autism pushing their limits.  They need to experience life and all the joy that comes with it.  They need love and support to learn about the world.  I think I do a pretty good job of pushing them.

Today, I just don’t want to.

Today, I want to take pictures of Lacey and her party guests.  I want to sit down and actually eat a meal.  I’m not sure when I did that last.  Probably lunch with Tracie on Thursday.  I want to laugh with my brother and talk to people.

I want to watch Casey have fun.  I want to wonder what she is thinking as she watches other people.  (Though, honestly, much of what she is thinking is – I’ll sneak another cookie when mom isn’t looking.  😊  Her mom isn’t as blind as she thinks!)  I want to help with anything Lacey needs or just sit and watch clouds go by.

My head knows I’m doing the right thing by taking him to Mandy’s.  He will love having her all to himself and she will spoil him.  He doesn’t really want to go to the party, anyway.

But… My heart is worried that he’ll think he isn’t wanted or welcome there.  My heart aches that he ever feel that way.  As so the war between head and heart rages.  I hate it.

I wish he was able to say he doesn’t want to go – or that he does!  It’s silly, of course, as I know Rob.  A choice between this party and Mandy is a no brainer – he will always pick her.  I feel guilty because I’m not asking him. I’m just doing what I think is best.  As a mom, that’s what I do.

But, he’s an adult and should be given choices.  And yeah, I know – he is a child in many ways and still needs guidance.  I just always try to give them choices whenever is possible.

I hate mom (or dad!) guilt.

I can hear Mandy’s voice in my head – get over it, mom.  He doesn’t want to go to the party.  😊  So that’s my plan. I still feel guilty not asking him what he wants to do.

But one thing I have learned over 30 years of living with autism… Sometimes, you gotta do what’s best for you and your other kids.  Today – that means Rob will be going to Mandy’s to be spoiled while Casey and I go celebrate Lacey.

It’s hard to do, but please – throw away the guilt and do what’s best for you sometimes.  You deserve it – you need it.