Autism is part of our lives. A huge part – even if we don’t always consciously think about it. I’m facing a decision now that should be fairly easy, but autism is causing me to rethink everything.
Several months ago, I lost my sweet lab to lymphoma. She was just a baby when we got her and she grew up around the noise and unexpected jumps, squeals and screams that occur around here. Even with that, when Casey had a meltdown, Eve would get anxious, barking and trying to get between Casey and I. She never tried to bite Casey or even jump on her – just barked like crazy.
(Picture the scene – Casey jumping up and down and screaming bloody murder while the dog is barking a high pitched bark and bouncing around with Rob rocking and yelling “no fits, Casey!” It’s a wonder my neighbors haven’t moved away!)
Losing her was one of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with. She was my best friend – the one who listened as I vented and let me cry on her shoulder. When Mandy and Cory lived in Texas and it was just Casey, Rob and I in the house, Eve was my buddy. I talked to her about everything and she kept me from being lonely. When she died, I felt like I lost part of me. I had no idea when I would ever feel like getting another dog.
In the last few weeks, I’ve been thinking about it. I miss having a dog around the house, but I still think about her and wonder if I’m ready for another one. She had so many quirks (I sometimes think she “caught” autism! 🙂 ) I wonder if I could let go of my expectations of the same quirks in another dog. I wonder if I will love another one as much as I loved her. And I wonder if another dog could be okay living in my circus.
I thought about getting an older dog – one that may not be as adoptable because of their age. But – what if they can’t handle the noise? the sudden movements? The kids’ safety is the most important thing to me and a new dog is scary. So maybe a puppy would be better. One that could grow up with us like Eve did.
And today I realized that once again, autism is dictating our lives. It should be a simple decision about whether to get a dog or not. I get so tired of having to overthink every single decision I make. Would Rob really wear that super soft shirt? Will Casey be mad if I switch plans from one day to another? Even what to have for meals! (though that isn’t as bad as it once was – I make what I make and Rob adapts to it or makes a sandwich)
It’s exhausting to have to think through every choice I make. The kids want to go swimming. Simple enough, right? No, it isn’t. Taking them to the pool without help is not going to happen. Neither is taking them to the lake (though that would be easier, simply because they will stay together and with me). I can’t take them to the river alone.
They want to go hiking. Okay – great! Outside and exercise… except, again, it isn’t that easy. If we go near a creek, Rob wants to sit and watch the water and relax while Casey wants to walk as far as she can. He will walk, too, but watching water relieves his anxiety so much, it’s hard to drag him away from it.
This isn’t to say we don’t go lots of places without an extra adult, but going to strange places or where there are possible dangers is so much easier with an extra set of eyes on them. They don’t run off like they used to, but who knows when it might happen again? We do lots of things, but it’s always seems like it’s a big decision to go. I’m tired of that.
I just want to decide to do something and do it without trying to think through every possible thing that can go wrong. I want to take the kids to the pool if they want to go. (I have taken them, but it’s hard and not something I really like to do. We have a large aquatic center with a kids play area and sets of water slides – too much area for me to be able to watch them easily.) Tracie will go with me – but there again, we can’t just go. I need to see if she’s free and wants to go and plan from there. I wonder if families who just decide to go swimming and leave know how lucky they are?
I try not to overthink choices too much but it’s hard when Casey and Rob are so different – even without the added stress of autism. She wants to go – he wants to stay. She will try anything – he has to think about it and often says no. They are similar in ways, just like siblings usually are. But, still, don’t you think it’s exhausting to always have to think about big (and little!) decisions so much?
Don’t you wish you could just say “Yes! We’re going!” without thinking about the possible sensory issues or meltdowns or safety or food preferences? I know I do! At the same time, I wouldn’t change either of the kids. Autism is as much a part of them as their hair color. There are just times that I don’t want to have to think about how autism will affect a decision.
Most of the time, I don’t really think about it, I guess. Our life is autism and I don’t think about a life without it. I make decisions just like every other parent, based on what would be best for our family. Autism is just so unpredictable that sometimes, decisions are hard to make. I wish I could just decide to get another dog and go pick one out.
I asked Casey what she thought about a dog. She wants a big one. Rob wants Eve. So do I. So like everything else, we’ll see what happens. I’m a firm believer in things happening when they are supposed to. When it’s time, the right dog will find us. Eve will make sure of it.