Autism and the Need for Special Time with Mom

If you’ve been with us a while, you know that I have constantly worried about making sure Mandy never felt that she was loved any less than Casey and Rob, despite the need to spend more time with them some days. It’s a worry for all parents who have special needs and typical children.

I worried less about her when she was older, but the thought is always there – to make sure she knows how amazing she is and how much I love spending time with her.

Mandy loved cuddles and being in the spotlight. Casey has always been more reserved about needing or wanting time with me. She didn’t care for cuddles, even as a toddler. Rob, though, he craved cuddles and he still loves to give full on bear hugs to those he loves. Not often, though – he’s particular about who he will hug and when. Lots of times, his “hugs” are just leaning on someone and letting them put their arms around him for a few seconds. Neither Casey or Rob like being the focus of attention.

I realized, yesterday, that there is something I don’t say often enough.

Casey and Rob each need time alone with me, too. To feel like they are the complete focus of my attention. I knew it, but it hit me again, yesterday.

Casey was going to be gone all day with staff from their day program and I decided Rob needed to have fun, too. He would not have enjoyed the trip the others were going on. So, we went shopping to all of his favorite stores and to one of his favorite places to eat.

I wish I had pictures of his smile as we headed out of town and he realized it was just us going. To see his face when I asked him what stores he wanted to go to and where he wanted to go first. (I always ask them when we go places, but obviously, he doesn’t always get to choose – have to take turns!) He rushed in the first store and grabbed what he wanted and was ready to go.

No waiting for Casey to look through every coloring book on the shelf. Just what he wanted.

He did the same in the next store. (He did pause long enough for me to look at a shirt!) And he was beyond thrilled when we ran into Mandy, Cory and Rosie in Hobby Lobby! He did get a little concerned when we sat down to eat without them, as they had other plans, but once his huge fish sandwich came, they were forgotten. HA!

It was while we were waiting for our food that I realized I couldn’t remember the last time just he and I had done something (beyond go to the dentist or something like that!). He was looking around the restaurant and giggling. He had the biggest smile on his face. Best of all, he reached across the table to give me five! And even held onto my hand for a minute or so. That’s huge for Rob. He rarely makes the first move.

So we talked (ok – I talked and he listened and responded once in a while when I said something important!) and we ate our lunch with smiles and giggles. Rob struggles so often with anxiety and the need to stim vocally to calm that anxiety that it was just amazing to see him so happy and relaxed in a loud, busy restuarant.

All the way home, I kept thinking about how I tell everyone to make sure they spend enough time focusing on their typical child that, somehow, I forgot our kids with autism need that one on one time, too. Time that isn’t doctors or therapists or a learning time. Just time to be with you and know they have your complete focus.

Casey does seem to get more time with me, as she likes to do so many things. She and I have gone to see Anna, my niece, dance and act in plays. She has gone shopping with us without Rob. I remember times that she asked to go shopping and said “Robbie go Grandpa Mack.” (her way of asking for my attention – and time away from little brother, I’m sure!)

They are rarely away from each other and I’m sure they need a break, too. Siblings aren’t made to be together constantly. When we are home, they both like to watch home movies and will relax in the living room together to do that, but otherwise, they are apart and like it that way.

So, I’ve set another goal for myself. To make sure to plan times with just one of them. Even if it just an hour – time to focus on each and remind them just how awesome he/she is and how much I love them. Every person needs that, autism or not!

If you would like to learn more about autism and siblings, our new book “I Wuved her First” will be available in July! My book “Autism, Apples and Kool-Aid” is available here and has lots of stories about Casey, Rob and Mandy and all that I’ve learned in our adventures with autism! It’s full of funny stories.