Every year in August, I take a few days and get away from real life. And every year, I think “why am I doing this?” It’s such an effort to make plans for the kids and so much worry. Sometimes, it seems it would be easier to just stay home. But every autism mom (and dad!) needs to get away from autism for a while.
The crazy thing is – I’m so lucky! I have plenty of help with the kids. Their behaviors are minimal and no health concerns. It should be simple. It is simple. And the autism mom guilt hits me. As I’ve told you before- I absolutely hate to ask for help. I mentioned that to Tracie and she told me to get over myself. She’s right. But still… the guilt lingers.
In all honesty, Casey is thrilled I’m going away. She loves seeing the schedule for the weekend and she asks for a present (preferably sweet tarts) when I come home. She uses a calendar and understands when I’ll be back. In the meantime, she giggles that Tracie is coming! She laughs about Grandpa and Grandma spending the night here. She can’t wait to sleep at Mandy and Cory’s house. And she knows that she can smile her sweet smile and try to get her way, since mean mom is gone.
Rob isn’t as excited. It used to be really hard on him when I left. He would say “Mom’s here” every few minutes the entire time. He wouldn’t look at the schedule and didn’t care who was staying where. I had disrupted his world and he needed to know when I would be back. Thankfully, he only asked once or twice while I was gone this time, so things are improving.
When I got to Mandy’s to pick them up, Casey smiled her beautiful smile and came for a hug. Rob jumped up and yelled “Get da van!” (yeah, he’s STILL doing it. Over and over and over.) Once he was home, he came for a hug. Few things feel as good as a bear hug from my big guy! He doesn’t hug easily – and often, he backs up to whoever wants a hug and lets them hug him. I love that he wants to hug me as much as I want a hug from him.
So I made my schedule. I packed his lunch for Friday. I put them on their shuttle Thursday morning and tried not to cry. I made notes for everyone. Why, I have no idea, since it is about the same thing every year. I separated their pills. I made sure they had plenty of clothes. Yes – I get obsessive at times. I just want everything to be fine while I am gone.
The second time I went away for a few days, I made a schedule for the kids. Every thing they would be doing was on a separate slip of paper so they could pull it off the door as they finished it. This seemed to really help Casey and she loved pulling the papers off. I wrote everything down – come home and take your pills, Tracie will take you for supper, take a shower and your pills, etc. Everything they would be doing was on a slip. I made a schedule for Tracie, my parents and Mandy that was much simpler – just who would be where when. They all got copies and I hung one on the pantry door.
The last few years, I haven’t made tiny slips of paper. I just typed the schedule and printed it and Casey was ok with that. Rob began to read the schedule. He may not have been happy with my leaving, but he doesn’t get too stressed about it. I am assuming every time I leave and disaster doesn’t strike that it will get easier to go. I doubt it, though.
Part of the problem with this autism mom is that whole asking for help thing. But another part is just a typical parent. I know Casey and Rob best (though Mandy is pretty darn close!) and I worry. I want the kids to be able to be with others without problems and I know the only way that will happen is if they are with others. But I worry.
But I got things ready. I double-checked plans. I triple checked plans. I packed my clothes. And I left.
My destination was about 6 hours from home. Since I was driving, I had plenty of time to wonder what I forgot. And remind myself that everyone here could handle anything that happened. I wondered where they would pick to go for supper. As I drove through the mountains, I thought about how much Casey and Rob loved the mountains and playing in the streams (or watching the water).
Every parent that leaves thinks about these things, I’m sure. It’s not an autism mom thing. But, it is different when your child has special needs. Especially if there is a medical concern or verbal difficulties. You need to go, though. You need to take a break. I usually leave on Thursday and am back Sunday afternoon. That’s long enough.
You may not be able to get away for that long, but you do need to get away. If money is an issue, see if you can visit a friend or family member. You have got to have time to recharge yourself to be the parent your little one deserves. They may not understand why you leave, but that’s ok. They will still love you when you get back.
I know how hard it is to go. I know that you think no one can care for your child the way you do, but that’s ok. Part of teaching our kids with autism is to teach them to try new things – to be around new people. Your child needs that. They need to know that even if you are gone, they are safe. You can do this! Make your schedules, check and double check your lists. Leave notes everywhere. And then – GO!
You need time to take a deep breath. You have to be able to sit and listen to nothing. I sat in a lounge chair and watched people one afternoon. My biggest decision was whether to have a candy bar or a cookie. It was wonderful! I had a book with me, but never opened it. I just sat. And yes, I text home about the kids and was always told how much fun they were having.
Let go of the guilt. I try, but it usually shows up. But – I go and I have fun and I know that’s ok. I am allowed to have a life beyond autism mom. You are, too! You deserve time away. And your child needs it, too.
Jen, I enjoyed reading what you wrote. I think you are right about taking the break. Thanks for sharing.