When your child is non-verbal or can’t communicate easily, one of the biggest fears of parents is that someone will mistreat or be mean to their child. I know that feeling well – and a video I saw last week brought those fears back to the surface. The video showed a bus driver clearly mistreating a young girl with autism who wouldn’t get off her bus. To make matters worse, an aide was standing outside the bus waiting for the child – and she left when the driver closed the door. Why in the world didn’t she get on that bus to help that little girl? Autism moms, let me tell you – had that been my child, I would probably be in jail right now.
I don’t condone violence. At one point, Casey had a teacher and a principal that were not a good match for her. The details are deep in my heart and I’m not sure even Mandy knows what really happened. She was just a little girl and may not have understood, anyway. To say I was angry at the teacher is an understatement. I wanted to smack her – to beat on her. I wanted to do to her what she did to Casey. I hated that woman – and came to severely dislike the principal that couldn’t see what was happening.
We were advised to sue the school district. Even the superintendent knew we would win. We chose instead to remove Casey from that woman (actually, the school moved her – Casey stayed in the room she was familiar with.) and not take legal action. This was our choice for many reasons – but when I think about that woman retiring with a full pension – and the other children she may or may not have been abusive to – I am angry. I am beyond Mama Bear angry. But, it’s over and done and I can’t change it.
But I can be more careful about the people around my kids. If Casey or Rob seems to not like someone, I keep a close eye on that person – and keep the kids away from him or her. I’ve told you before how quickly they “read” people. It’s always interesting to me to see who they don’t like and wonder what is deep inside that person that the kids can sense.
I listen to my gut feelings now. If something seems “off” about a situation, I check into it. If the kids suddenly don’t want to do something or go somewhere that I know they enjoy, I find out why. Several years ago, there was an issue that concerned me and I just started dropping into where they were and checking on them. Mandy and my parents would stop in, too.
A few years ago, Rob was involved in an incident. The details aren’t important now, but what is important is that it shook the trust I had in people. I understood the staff’s frustration, as I know either of my kids can act up (I’ve never been a mom who says my child would never… I’m sure they would!) What I was the most upset about is that I wasn’t told about it until I started asking questions. Casey kept repeating a phrase about Rob and he was upset. Unfortunately, by the time Casey got the words out, it had been a few days since the incident.
Rob finally was able to say a word or two and another mom contacted me because their adult child was a witness and had told her what had happened. I confronted the issue and it was taken care of. My gut told me the day it happened something was wrong – Rob was just off and Casey was wound for sound. But, I didn’t follow up on it right away. (No excuses – except maybe I was just so darn tired of autism) My gut kept at me and I checked into things. That situation is resolved and I’ve asked to always be told right away if something happens while the kids are at work. (Like I said, I know things happen – I just really hate not being told what’s going on!)
Even if your child is non-verbal, you will see signs something is wrong. Maybe they get upset about getting on the bus all of a sudden. Maybe they won’t eat at school. Maybe they can’t sleep at night or a new behavior emerges. High anxiety is a possible sign of a problem somewhere. It’s hard to know what the problem might be until you start digging. If your child refuses to get on the bus, start with the driver – has something happened? Was there a change in the route? Is it too noisy? Ask the other kids on the bus – or their parents. If the bus has a camera, ask to watch the video.
As your child with autism grows up, you will learn to become part private detective. It’s exhausting at times, but a necessary thing to do. Visit the school. Become friends with your child’s teacher. If you have concerns, voice them. Most teachers are wonderful, but there are always a few that aren’t. If you don’t think your child’s teacher is a good match for your child, speak up. Talk to the teacher – talk to the principal. No, these are not easy conversations to have, but you have to do it!
Drop in your child’s class/school. If you are told this isn’t possible, do it anyway. You have the right to see your child at any time. If a school refuses to let you visit, that’s a giant red flag – always follow up on that! Take someone else with you and go! (if a situation gets tense, always take someone with you when you go – a witness might be needed) Climb the chain of command if you need to. Schools want only the best for their students – if a teacher is a problem, they want to know. (at least, good schools do!)
You know your child the best. If you get a weird vibe that something is wrong, don’t ignore it or assume you are just being over-protective. So what if you were wrong? You laugh about it and move on. But – what if you are right and you do nothing? Your child can’t help themselves – you have to do it. Do whatever you have to do to make sure your child is safe. You might realize he/she is only anxious because puberty is starting or they are going to go through a growth spurt. Or you may save them from a traumatic situation.
Trust yourself. Trust your instinct.