I’m tired. There’s no other way to say it. I’m not sleepy tired – just tired of stuff. Rob had a terrible night Friday and we didn’t sleep much and I think that’s catching up to me. (I’m always okay the day after no sleep, but man, that second day is a killer!) Thank you, autism, anxiety and an almost full moon.
I’m still not sure what was going on with him. There are many possibilities and he can’t tell me what was bothering him. He didn’t say he was sick or needed Dr. Myers, so I don’t think it was his ear. He was just off when he got home from the workshop and as the night went on, he got louder.
At 1:00 in the morning, he let out a yell to wake the dead. I ran to the bathroom to find him leaning over the sink, but as soon as he saw me, he grabbed me in a bear hug and couldn’t let go. We stood there for several minutes before he would let go and lean his head on my shoulder. I finally got him back to bed and sat with him for a few minutes before he said “Goodbye, Mommy Jen.” (He always says that when he is ready for me to leave him alone.)
I’m not sure what time he went to sleep, but I didn’t hear him again. I kept waking up to check on him and when I was asleep, it wasn’t a restful one. Things just kept running through my mind…
Was he upset about me telling him to leave the emergency windows alone on the shuttle? He had been playing with it and the shuttle driver asked him to stop and slide away from it, but he didn’t listen. I know how much he likes Warren, so for him to ignore him is odd. Maybe he was worried that Warren was mad at him? (Rob gets extremely anxious when he thinks someone is upset with him) When I talked to him, I just told him he needed to listen to the driver and leave the window latches alone, but who knows? Maybe he was dwelling on it.
Maybe the not quite full moon was already having an affect on him. I know some months are worse than others and I never know which kind of month we’ll have.
Or maybe his ear was still bothering him and he just didn’t want any more ear drops in it. But he hasn’t pulled at it for several days, so I don’t think that’s it.
Maybe his room was too hot…. but he had his AC on.
He was a little upset before he went to the workshop that morning about our still unresolved issue. (It has nothing to do with the workshop, but a family issue.) I keep explaining to the kids that the problem isn’t them at all and Casey believes this (she rarely thinks anything negative about herself. 🙂 ) but Rob takes it so personally. Maybe he was fixated on that and wondering why things changed.
Was he hungry? Too tired? Who knows? And so we both cried in the bathroom in the middle of the night. I hate the helpless feeling – when your child hurts, you want to fix it and I didn’t even know where to begin. I thought maybe if he got comfy in bed, a few words would come, but they didn’t.
I let him sleep as long as he wanted Saturday morning. He was still off when he got up, but didn’t seem to be as upset. He didn’t enjoy his trip to the Dollar Tree (a favorite place to go) and yelled his anxiety song the entire time we were in there. Usually, I don’t care what other people think, but being tired, I just wanted him to settle down. So I tried to calm him and it had the opposite effect. He knew he was stressing me out and got even more anxious.
Luckily, we were going to a car show to see Cory’s car and he calmed a little there. He enjoyed looking under the hoods of all of the cars and sitting beside Cory’s car. He was still loud, though. And it was still getting to me. I know that’s the absolutely worst thing I can do, but I couldn’t help it. I was just done.
Tracie suggested we take the kids for a walk after the car show and they both enjoyed that. He seemed happier after that (seeing Tracie, Cory, Mandy, Grandma and Grandpa helped, I’m sure) and took a short nap before he had supper. But then, I had to keep waking him up (I was afraid he wouldn’t sleep again, if he slept too much during the evening). He took his shower early and slept all night.
I was so relieved! My head knows there is little I can do but offer comfort when the kids are having a hard time, but my heart wants to do more. I feel like I should be able to figure out the problem, even if they can’t tell me. I just ache when they hurt and I can’t help them. And I resent autism.
I get angry when I know what problems are and still can’t help them. I want to scream at people to make them see the pain they are causing, but I know it won’t do any good. I just keep praying the situation will resolve in the kids’ best interest.
I know every one of you knows exactly how I feel. Autism definitely brings out the helpless feeling more than any of us want. It brings out anger and resentment. None of these are especially good feelings – they are ones I sure want to avoid!
I’ve got my fingers crossed that the full moon comes and goes without a repeat of Friday night. It’s been years since we’ve had a night like that (we’ve had sleepless nights, but not one with this degree of autism anxiety) and I hope it’s years before I see another.
I hope the full moon effects aren’t too bad in your homes this month! Good luck!