Autism Times Two – Who is Easier?

Last week, someone wondered whether Casey or Rob was easier to live with.  As if autism could be classified into easy or difficult!  But, the question did  make me think  – and here’s the answer.  All three kids had their quirks growing up that made me want to pull my hair out at times!  None of them were more difficult than the others – just different.

When they were little, Casey had more behaviors than Rob did.  Her  meltdowns were terrible to see and to live with.  Now, I know that she was having major sensory issues and that she couldn’t handle changes in her routine easily.  At the time, I just wanted someone to help her – or give us all ear plugs.  Casey also liked to dart away when we went places.  She even left the school playground a few times.

They were both a challenge to keep safe.  Neither had fears of anything – heights, water, streets – who cares?  Nothing can hurt them, right?  He didn’t run away as much in stores because he wanted to ride in the carts for much longer than he should have.  He simply felt safer in them – his sensory issues were beginning to show up.  I remember a day in Wal-Mart when two boys kept staring at him and making comments.  Their mom didn’t hear them, but I did.

Unfortunately for those boys, I was not in a good mood.  It had been a rough few days with little sleep and I was not in a forgiving mood.  As we passed them in the aisle, one made another comment about the “big baby” in the cart and I lost it.  I said excuse me to the mom and then proceeded to tell those boys – so she could hear every word – just why he was in the cart.

I said he had autism and the lights and noises in the store were painful and scary to him.  And that he knew they were making fun of him and that was causing him even more pain and anxiety.  I told them if they wanted to grow up to be mean monsters, they were on the right track.  Their mom was so embarrassed that they had said anything.

I’ll give mom a lot of credit – she clearly stated she would not put up with that and made the boys apologize to both Rob and me.  Then she did, too.  She was nearly crying that her sons had acted that way.  I bet they didn’t anymore.

Anyway, I think Rob’s lack of behaviors were a big reason that he wasn’t diagnosed earlier than he was.  He was simply a thrill seeking, happy, quiet little guy.  He communicated his wants without saying a lot and went anywhere we wanted to go without fuss.

As they got older, Casey’s behaviors went away for the most part.  She learned that changes in her routine were not the end of the world (and calendars helped with that so much!) and that screaming didn’t help her feel better. (Not that she doesn’t still let out a scream once in a while, but thankfully, the full blown meltdowns are extremely rare…knock on wood!  🙂  )  She has always been more self-confident in herself.  She firmly believes she is who she is and if you don’t like it, tough.  She doesn’t seem to care about having friends.  She has us and that’s enough for her.

Rob, however, wants people to like him.  He wanted friends when he was little and thankfully, he had a great group of little boys who accepted him as he was and made sure he always had someone to play with at recess or someone to sit with at lunchtime.  He gets upset if he thinks someone is angry with him and his anxiety goes through the roof.

He doesn’t seem to care as much about having friends, now.  He knows who likes him and he’s happy with that.  He goes places with groups from the workshop and will tell me who is his friend from there.

Each of them have their own difficulties in life.  His anxiety and sensory issues (including weather changes) make it harder to take him new places or get him to try new things.  She is more demanding than he is and more likely to get upset if something doesn’t go the way she wants.  He rarely gets angry – she rarely gets her feelings hurt.

His sensory issues are harder on him than hers are on her.  She plugs her ears and is good to go.  He can’t eat certain textures without gagging, or wear certain  materials.  He gets hot easily – she is usually cold, eats almost anything and has more clothes than anyone needs.

It always amazes me what people will ask.  I’m here to spread awareness of autism and other special needs, but some questions are just crazy!  Would you ask someone with typical kids who was the most difficult of their children?  Probably not, but because they have autism, it’s okay to ask.  I’m actually okay with the question – it just struck me funny for one simple reason.

When I get asked about living with autism or their behaviors – anything like that – I always have to laugh to myself.  I would much prefer my life to many others!   I’m excited when my kids talk back to me (they talked appropriately – YES!).  When my kids have behaviors, it’s not them being brats (like so many “typical” kids!), it’s sensory issues.  (usually – there are times when they are just being turkeys!  🙂  )  I know where my kids are – no late night worrying (well, not about where they are – there are always late night worries!), no driving or insurance.

Autism doesn’t make one child more difficult than another.  Just like everyone else, they all have their own issues to deal with (sometimes, I think people forget that everyone has issues – not just those with special needs!) and some issues are more demanding than others.  Casey, Mandy and Rob all brought equal amounts of stress and love, sleepless nights and happy hugs, smiles and tears to our family.  They are all amazing and I wouldn’t want to change any of them!