Don’t deny it. At some point in your life, you have judged someone. Whether it was for their choice of jobs or love or clothing – you have done it. I’m not proud of it, and I am working hard at not doing it, but I have judged others. I’ve heard judgments others have said about me. Before we go any farther, let me say – nothing anyone can say about me will be a surprise, I don’t particularly care what they think, and I’m tougher on myself than anyone else will ever be.
I made a lot of mistakes as far as autism goes. There simply wasn’t a lot of information when Casey was diagnosed so, for the most part, my expectations for her were the same as if she was typical. In some ways, I think that helped – it never occurred to me that she couldn’t be potty trained, so we never gave up. It never occurred to me that she might not be able to use forks and spoons properly. It was a struggle, but we kept going. I’ve often thought that if I had read some of these really scary books before she was diagnosed, she wouldn’t have come as far as she has.
Why wasn’t Rob diagnosed as early as she was? Simple – he was completely the opposite of her. Even our doctors weren’t concerned. He had almost constant ear infections and they attributed his lack of speech to those. He didn’t have meltdowns or sensory issues or the desperate need for routine she did. He simply didn’t say much. (he also had Mandy – she talked for him for years!) Didn’t I know he might have gotten more help if he had been diagnosed? Well, duh! But – his lack of speech put him in the same preschool/speech program that Casey went to. An earlier diagnosis wouldn’t have helped much.
The list of why I did what I did would do on for miles. I don’t owe anyone an explanation for my choices. I second guess myself enough.
Was I too lenient on them when they were little? Maybe I didn’t expose them to enough new experiences. Maybe I should have made Rob try more things. Maybe I didn’t handle Casey’s meltdowns the right way. Maybe I still don’t. Maybe I shouldn’t have given in to his need to wear certain types of shirts. Maybe I should have tried to break her routines. Maybe I set the routines myself because it worked. Maybe I didn’t work with them enough when they were in school. Maybe I should be working with them more now with speech.
Maybe I shouldn’t be telling them when to go to bed? After all, they are adults. Maybe I should make them do more around the house? (they both have chores they do, but I’m sure it could be more.) Maybe I’m not doing enough to help them lose weight? Maybe I don’t engage with them enough?
See? The list goes on and on. I know, at times, I have over-reacted to things that have happened with Casey and Rob. Honestly, when I’m tired, the smallest thing can be the last straw. I don’t really like being the parent everyone dreads to call with bad news. But, it is what it is. I apologize when I need to. I don’t when I did nothing but defend Casey and Rob.
I’m sure other parents are like me. It doesn’t matter what you think – they are already tougher on themselves and their choices than you will ever be. I can sit here and think “I would never…” forever, but I truly don’t know what I would do if I lived in that person’s shoes. You don’t, either. You can say, “I would never let my child meltdown in public.” but if your child has sensory issues, it will probably happen. Maybe, instead, you should think “Thank God my child’s senses aren’t as affected by autism.”
You can say, “My child would never be allowed to be up all night.” Maybe, instead, you can be grateful that your child sleeps. “I would never let my child be aggressive.” Be thankful you don’t have to deal with this – thousands of families live with this every day. Instead of judging other autism parents (or anyone!) be grateful that you don’t have to deal with what they live with every day. Every person with autism is unique and so are their families.
I’m not sure why we feel the need to judge other families. Maybe to make our lives seem better? Our parenting better? Whatever the reason, we need to stop judging and start being grateful for our own lives. Trust me – someone always has it worse than you do. I know I’ll never live up to my own expectations – I definitely don’t need someone else pointing out what I’ve done wrong.
Be supportive and be thankful.