Autism and Trust between Parents and Teachers

In the last week, I have read two stories about teachers who callously abused the children with autism they are trusted to care for each day. In one case, the principal felt “threatened” when an 11 year old boy with autism needed to use the restroom and he rushed past her. She locked him out of the school.

Yes, you read that right. She locked an 11 year old boy with autism out of the building – and then instructed all staff to not let him in. There is video showing this boy wandering around the school – even at one point, another teacher pulling down the blind so he couldn’t see in (or she couldn’t see what was happening in front of her face! 🙁 ) Eventually, another student – yes, a child – let him into the school. I will confess I don’t know the whole story, but I DO know that it was NOT safe for that child to be outside on his own.

What if he wandered away from school? What if someone took him? What the hell was that woman thinking? And the rest of the staff at the school who listened to her? My blood boils just thinking about it. And I thank God that wasn’t my child. I would be in jail right now.

In the other case, a teacher and two aides locked children in a dark bathroom for undetermined amounts of time (I’ve heard varying lengths) and also blew a whistle in the ear of a child whose ears are so sensitive that ear guards were worn. They pulled the guards off and blew the whistle into his ear. The teacher is the wife of a county sheriff’s deputy. Again – I just want to scream “What the hell is wrong with you?”

Do they get off on being cruel? Do they have no clue what they are doing? Are they that frustrated with the children? (This is a school for children with autism). They have since been charged with several things. (I haven’t heard anything about the staff from the other school, other than the principal was put on administrative leave, pending investigation). Personally, my Mama Bear came out. I’m hoping they all go to jail and the other prisoners are told they abused children with autism. I just don’t care about them. (Can you tell how angry this makes me??)

One of the scariest things of sending your child with autism to school is not knowing what happens while they are there. You rely on the teacher/aide being honest with you and protecting your child. When your child acts out, you trust that they will be professional and kind, even when they are frustrated. You don’t expect that they will lock your child outside of the building. Or in a closet.

That happened to Casey.

She had a hard time in Kindergarten at the end of the year. In first grade, things got worse for her. She was having screaming meltdowns. (This was in the early 90’s – few people had a clue what to do.) The school thought I was lying to them because I said it wasn’t happening at home (and it wasn’t, yet). I think school was demanding of her – and it was full of lights, sounds, and strangers that she couldn’t process. Home was her safe place. Eventually, her sensory issues carried over into home, too.

One thing we had read to try was for students to have a “safe” place to go when they started feeling overwhelmed. Her teacher cleaned out a supply closet and put bean bags, blankets and stuffed animals in it. All the parents had to sign a paper saying it was okay for their child to use the quiet room. I was fine with it and signed.

Imagine my shock when I discovered a few months later that a half door (too high for her to see out) had been installed with bolts on the outside of the door. My sweet little girl was being locked in this area when she screamed. And I hated that teacher. And the aide. And the principal and everyone else who lied to me about what was going on. There are only a few days in my life that I can honestly say I have been mad enough to kill. That was one of them.

The school justified it because I had signed the paper saying she could “use the quiet room as needed.”

I wanted heads to roll. I wanted to beat the living crap out of every one of those people.

I still want to smack them. It’s been 25 years. Some things you don’t get over.

Believe it or not, that was just the beginning of what I found out they had done to her. They tied her shoelaces to her desk chair. They isolated her at lunch time (though, honestly, she liked that – the cafeteria was too noisy and she just couldn’t handle it.) They wrote letters to her doctors accusing us of abuse (I found out about those when I took her to the doctor for strep – the teacher didn’t even have to guts to talk to me – and they never reported suspected abuse to anyone, despite being required to do so.)

When that came out, we met with the principal who had signed the letters. She actually looked at me, said she probably shouldn’t have done it and asked if I wanted to hit her. She has no idea how close I came to do just that. She handled it badly – she knew she was in trouble. I’m sure the teacher forced her. Do I forgive her? Nope.

The good thing that came from all of this is that the special education coordinator and I finally managed to build a friendship. (We tended to butt heads, but he came through on this. He was beyond angry and stood with me). When he passed away last year, I felt like I had lost a friend. We were finally able to be on the same team for Casey and soon, for Rob. He even made sure that the teacher who did this was moved before Rob was to go to that school. There was never a question of that woman getting near another of my kids and Casey was moved to another room early. (Usually, kids were in a class from K – 3rd grade – she moved after 2nd grade)

I didn’t blame the school as I’m sure few had any clue what was happening. There were (and still are!) amazing, caring, wonderful teachers there and throughout the whole school district. We are blessed that we only had that one to deal with (we had issues with another when Casey was in high school, but she didn’t stick around long) We were advised to hire a lawyer and sue the district. It took a lot of praying and thinking before we decided against it. The teacher was not near my kids (unfortunately, she did continue to teach. I shudder to think what else she may have done – I warned everyone to keep their kids away from her) and I still had three kids in the district. I knew Casey and Rob were going to have a hard enough time without being known as the kids of sue-happy parents.

Once something like this happens, finding that trust again is so hard. Again, God was watching over us and I didn’t have to see the two people I held the most responsible for the situation. When it came time for IEPs, I flatly told the principal she was not welcome at their meetings.

Luckily, the teachers God sent us for Rob and Casey the following year were among the best in the district – I still believe that! I knew Casey’s teacher was overwhelmed at times but she called me and we brainstormed together. We thought as far outside the box as people can think. She talked to her doctor. They all went to conferences with me to learn new ideas. The love both teachers and all the aides felt for all the students was obvious. I hope they know that I still thank God for them. I couldn’t have made it without them. (And Casey and Rob still talk about all of their teachers with smiles and happy eyes. Casey never mentions that one teacher).

I debated whether to even write this. What I want to do is help explain over-protective parents to teachers. Yes, we may have a lot of questions – we may text or call you too often. Please understand that, in most cases, it is from an underlying fear that someone could hurt our babies. We have to be protective in the only way we can.

The fear and anger of what happened to Casey still sticks with me. I overact, at times, when I don’t think people are treating her right. I do apologize for that, but until you see how cruel people you trust can be, you don’t understand how that pain lingers. I wish Casey and Rob could just tell me when something happens. I hate finding out in bits and pieces over weeks.

Parents, most teachers are wonderful, loving people who only want the best for your child. You have to trust them – help them get to know your child. Be open to meetings and be honest about your child. Teachers, understand that for several hours a day, you are holding our most precious gifts – and we are scared. Be available to listen. Be open to suggestions. Love and protect our children. We understand frustration – just tell us and let’s work through it together.

Only by being a team can our kids get everything they need.