Category: autism parenting

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Autism and Hope – Never Lose It!

Autism and Hope

Anyone that follows our Facebook page may have seen that Casey sang in our county board of developmental disabilities talent show a few evenings ago. She won one of the awards – she was happy about that, but for her, just the singing is enough. And that she got a milkshake after! 🙂

She was so excited that she got to buy a new shirt to wear. That night, she couldn’t stop giggling at supper and kept looking at me for the signal that it was time to take a bath and get ready to go. We had to blow her hair dry and use “fluffy” stuff (mousse) in it. She couldn’t stand still from excitement. Even Rob was excited about going!

When we got to the school, Rob chose their seats and Casey bounced in her seat to watch people come in. She was going to be the last one to sing before intermission. Mandy and Cory came and she bounced harder. (And Rob had to jump up and rub Cory’s face – he had shaved his beard! 🙂 I’m still waiting for Rob to tell me he wants his face like Cory’s!

I was taking pictures for the newspaper, so I wasn’t sitting with the kids. As I watched the other performers, I kept checking on them and they were always looking right at the stage and enjoying the music. When Casey’s turn came, she jumped up and ran to the stage with a big smile on her face. She grabbed the microphone and looked at me as she waited for the music. As soon as it started, she started swaying back and forth and got really serious. This year, she really belted out her song so everyone could hear.

It’s funny. She loves singing on stage but those who know her well can see her nervousness. She doesn’t know what to do with her free hand and it moves constantly from rubbing her shirt to playing with the snap of her pants to going in her pocket. She loves what she is doing, but she is scared, too. And is brave enough to do something that scares her because she loves it so much. I wonder how many “typical” people can say that? How many of us really want to try something we love, but we are afraid to fail so we never try? Those performers that night were afraid – and they did it, anyway. They had all some type of disability, but they conquered their fears to try. We could learn something from them!

When she was finished, she didn’t wait for the applause. She smiled a beautiful smile, ran down from the stage and back to her seat – still excited and happy. And thinking of the milkshake she was sure she would get when it was over.

When they started announcing the winners, she was still smiling. I truly don’t know if she cares about winning (I know some of the performers do) but she was happy to go get her award and show everyone. She loved being in pictures and couldn’t stop smiling. I still think some of that smile was knowing that a milkshake was coming.

Later that night, after we had all settled down, I thought how far she had come. I know I tell you this often, but never, ever give up on your children. I don’t care how old they are or how severely they are affected by autism. You never know where they might go!

Who could have known that the little girl who screamed for hours at a time and beat her head on everything would one day be standing on stage singing a song she loved? The little girl who couldn’t sit in a gym with a crowd of people was now sitting in a huge crowd. That sweet child who couldn’t wait 10 seconds for help without screaming sat for 45 minutes waiting her turn to sing. The child who had only a few words was singing. (Though, to be honest, she was singing as a toddler, even when she couldn’t say Ma-Ma.)

And Rob…. he hates crowds. As a child, he had to have head phones on to be near crowds of people. He couldn’t wait for things to start as his anxiety would get to be too much and he would run away. He hated flashing lights and loud music. He paid little attention to Casey (even thought he followed Mandy everywhere – and still does! 🙂 ) He is learning to message people. He wanted to be there for Casey – to cheer her on – to hear her sing.

And I cried happy tears remembering. I remember the dark days when I was sure my life would be nothing but screams and bruises and anxiety and sleepless nights. I didn’t really have the time or energy to dream for either of them. I was too busy dealing with schools and IEP’s and therapies and everything else life threw at us. I didn’t give much thought to the future – or at least. not much farther than the next year’s IEP.

I know that your child may never sing on stage or sit in a crowd. (Honestly, Rob only did this for Casey!) He or she may not have a picture in an art show. But – your child may be the one to write the music – or the book – or the movie. Or they may the one to design a new bridge or a computer game. The point is – you don’t know what the future may hold. It’s hard to look ahead when right now is exhausting you. I get that. I really do.

I’m just asking you to not give up. Dream for your child when you can. Plan for your child every day. Sometimes, it’ll be one small step forward and three steps back. I get it. Don’t lose your hope – your faith. I’ve been told before to “fake it till you feel it” and it does work. Make yourself dream and feel hopeful. And maybe one day your child will be the one singing “You’ve Got to Stand for Something” in front of her family and friends. 🙂

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Autism, God and Faith

Autism, God and Faith

Casey and Rob went to a respite time this weekend so I was able to go to church with Mom and Dad. Casey was excited because she asked me Friday about getting a palm today and I was happy to give it to her when we got home from camp. But, as I was listening to the pastor, I remembered a book I read a few years ago about autism and God. I don’t know how you feel about God and faith and I am in no way trying to convince you to think like me. I am only sharing – just like always. 🙂

I read a book by a mom who was devastated because her child with autism wouldn’t be allowed to go to Heaven. Mind you, I had never considered my kids wouldn’t be able to go to Heaven. They don’t understand “sin” and both, especially Casey, talk about God, Jesus and Heaven. Rob focuses more on Baby Jesus and on his grandparents in Heaven.

Anyway, this mom wrote that because her child couldn’t confess her sins and ask God to forgive her, she would never be allowed in Heaven – she wasn’t saved. Honestly, I thought the mom was a nutcase, but it still bothered me a little that someone could think my kids are somehow less than good Christians, simply because they couldn’t speak like other people do. I tossed the book in the trash and hoped that the mom could find peace somehow.

Listening to the pastor talk about salvation today, I started thinking again about the people who can’t communicate and how many of the people in the church were talking about asking for forgiveness and salvation. I wondered if they would believe Casey and Rob would see them in Heaven – even if they couldn’t ask for salvation. I believed most would, but I’m also a realist and know that some people are set in their ways.

Several years ago, I wanted to get Baptized and have all three of the kids Baptized with me. In the church we went to at the time, Baptisms were always done in front of the congregation on Sunday mornings. I knew Rob would never be able to do that and even had doubts about Casey. I also knew there were people who wouldn’t believe it was a “real” Baptism because the kids weren’t able to actively participate.

I worked at the church at the time and approached the pastor about what could be done. Pastor Coralee simply said “We’ll do it however will make them comfortable.” And that was that. Mandy and I had several conversations with Pastor Coralee about our beliefs and I bought a children’s book to read to Casey and Rob about Baptism and what it meant.

Rob just thought we were going to take a shower at church (because we were going to be “clean”) and Casey didn’t say much. We decided to have an evening ceremony and to surprise my parents. They had no idea what we were doing that night – only that I had a meeting I needed them to be at. We also invited the kids’ “other” grandparents, Rick and Lyn. They knew what was happening. I ordered cupcakes and we made a real celebration of the event.

Casey and Rob were fine with getting water on their foreheads and Casey even said she was clean when it was done. I think everyone had tears in their eyes – we definitely shocked my parents, who arrived with pens and notebooks to take notes during the “meeting.” 🙂

In the days after our Baptism, I shared with Pastor Coralee the book I had read and asked what she thought. She knows the Bible forwards and backwards and I knew she would never lie to me about what she thought. I asked if she thought the kids would be kept from Heaven because they couldn’t ask God for forgiveness.

She sat quietly a minute and then simply said, “God made Casey and Rob in the image He wanted them. Why would He punish them for being who He wanted them to be by keeping them from joining Him in Heaven?” That was exactly how I felt, but it was wonderful to hear our pastor shared my feelings. 🙂 I hope she knows how happy her words made me that day. I doubt she even remembers it, but I do.

For many of us, worrying about Heaven is not something we have much time for. There are behaviors to deal with and doctors and therapies and school and insurance companies and groceries and jobs and….. the list goes on. But, if the thought ever crossed your mind about your child, remember what our pastor said. Your child is exactly as God wanted him/her to be!

Again, I am no way saying you need to share our faith. There were many times that the only prayer I could manage was “Please, God” before I broke into tears. But I know He heard what I couldn’t say and He’s given me a lot of strength over the years. God knows what is in your heart, even when you can’t say the words. You need to believe however feels right to you – whatever gives you the strength you need to take care of you and your family.

Autism is tough at times. You need to lean on others, whether it is friends, family or God. Let yourself ask for help when you need it. 🙂

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Autism and the “Wow” Day

Autism and the Wow Day

I’m sure all of you know that when you plan a day of activities, it rarely goes as planned. Especially with autism in the mix – sensory issues, anxiety and so many other things can cause a day to be “off.” Yesterday, we planned a day of shopping and with the weather changes coming our way, I knew Rob may have some issues with anxiety. (Not to mention that shopping really isn’t his favorite thing to do! 🙂 )

Casey had birthday money she wanted to spend and we hadn’t had a chance to get to the mall until yesterday. I had to make a few stops before we left town and they were both okay with that. Then I realized that when Casey asked about shopping, she meant a girls’ day – not really one that included the guys. Ooopss…. but she was okay with them going with us yesterday when I promised that Mandy and I would take her prom dress shopping without Rob soon. And she was so excited to be going to the mall!

We stopped at Hobby Lobby first and she immediately dropped to the floor in the Easter section to find just the right Easter coloring book. Rob waited patiently to go look at signs while she looked at every book. Then she giggled and grabbed a set of bunny ears on a head band. She really laughed when I told her it was her money – she could buy what she wanted so she grabbed a bag of Easter egg foamy stickers, too.

We stopped by the sign section on our way to the other coloring books and Rob picked out another sign for his room and another light switch plate. (He has 3 or 4 now, but won’t let me put those on the wall – they are to hold while he looks at his iPad and must be in a certain place on his dresser the rest of the time.) Rob happily looked at colored pencils and boxes of crayons while Casey was thrilled to discover a bigger selection of coloring books that usual.

She has to look through every single one. I’m still not sure what she is looking for – I thought it was color by number pages, but she put back books with those and kept looking. After several minutes, I told her she needed to find a book – we had more shopping to do and you just never know how long Rob will stand before he gets in to his anxiety song. She finally picked a color with water Sesame Street book.

While we were standing in the check out line, I asked Rob to push the cart back to the front of the store. This is a huge thing for him, as most of the time, he’ll do it, but he doesn’t really notice people around him and I’m worried he will run into someone. But not today – he watched the lady beside us and carefully pushed it back to the other carts and came back to me. A big step for us!

Casey picked what stores she wanted to go to in the mall while Rob just waited patiently for a snack. He sat and waited while she picked out a shirt for her talent show in a few weeks and carried the bags with their other purchases. They both walked by the play area without a second glance (a HUGE step for us!) and we had a snack – without rushing! Rob finished and just watched the people around us – he didn’t start singing or trying to leave. He just sat. I was SO proud of him!

As we walked down the mall, we found the Easter Bunny! Casey couldn’t stand still from excitement! She smiled and waved at the bunny while Rob just looked at him. The photographer asked if they wanted to come in and say hi to the bunny and Casey darted right in (I was a little afraid she would flop on his lap, but she just shook his hand and giggled!) but Rob held back. I told him he could go say hi if he wanted to. He walked over, shook the bunny’s hand and looked at me with a smirk on his face.

While Casey looked at socks (imagine that! 🙂 ) Rob said “mouth” and I turned to see what he was looking at. He was talking about the Easter Bunny – his mouth didn’t move when he talked. Rob knew it was a person in a costume and not a “real” bunny. But he also realized that Casey believed it was the “real” Easter Bunny and he wouldn’t do anything to ruin that for her! Again, I was so proud of him – that is a lot of thoughts to process! She told everything she saw the Easter Bunny, but he never mentioned it again.

When we were done shopping, she wanted to hold onto me. Rob was walking in front of us (I think he was done and making sure we were heading for the car! 🙂 ) and I told her she could walk with him. She stepped up to him and they grabbed hands. I love how they look out for each other when we go places! They held onto each other until we got to the car. (He always knows what door we came in and where the car is – very handy! 🙂 ) And it dispels the myth that people with autism don’t feel empathy – he knows she feels safer when she is holding someone and he never pulls away from her.

It was getting cloudy as we drove home (we live about 30 minutes from the mall) and I was waiting for Rob to start singing his storm song, but he never did. He held onto his bag with his sign in it and looked out the window all the way home. We even went for a long walk when we got home and he never sang his song!

Autism is just a part of us and if it had popped up during our day, we would have handled it like we usually do, but it was amazing to have a day of fun without really thinking about it. Sometimes, we just need a break from the stress of worrying about going new places or worrying about what might trigger sensory issues or anxiety. Yesterday was definitely a welcome break!

I hope each of you has a “welcome” break soon! Enjoy every minute of it!

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Autism Awareness Month – Do What’s Best for Your Family

Autism Awareness Month

I’m sure most of you know that April is Autism Awareness Month and that April 2nd is World Autism Day. Most posts ask you to wear blue to show your support and puzzle piece items are abundant this time of year. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about April the last few days, thanks to a follower on our Facebook page. He had several really good points. I’ve also read other posts from families who dislike the puzzle piece and wearing blue. Other families “Color their world.” Still others do nothing. My point is – do what is best for your family.

I understand people don’t like the puzzle piece as they feel it is saying their child is “missing” something. A well-known autism organization likes to say “Till all the pieces fit” as if lives were a puzzle that may not be completed, until autism is cured. I’ve written before I am not a parent who wants to see my children “cured.” There is nothing wrong with them – autism is part of them, like my temper is part of me. To say they need cured is like saying they have a terrible disease and not just a different way of thinking and feeling.

I like reading what other people think as it gives me a different perspective. I also know that many unscrupulous people use “Awareness Months” to scam people from money. Please, please – if you feel the need to donate, give directly to the organization – do not donate over the phone when someone calls you. Or give your donation to a local organization that helps families with autism.

I never felt the puzzle piece was a negative symbol for autism. (Please – this is only my opinion and I’m not trying to convince anyone to think like me!) I like the bright colors. I wear puzzle piece charms. I also wear puppy paws. My charms are only for things I love – not a political statement. But I have another reason to wear the puzzle piece….

Casey likes it. Simple as that. She doesn’t think there is anything wrong with her – she just likes the puzzle pieces. She doesn’t understand why people argue about it. She likes that “she” has a ribbon and that she can give them to her friends in April. To her, April is a celebration and you know how she loves celebrations! She won’t tell you she has autism. She won’t tell you much about herself. Casey and Rob both know they are different than others – they just don’t care.

They are happy. They have a huge family that loves them. They have Mandy and Cory. They have Elmo and magazines. They have crayons and color by numbers. They get to go hiking with Tracie and to sleep at Grandma and Grandpa’s. April isn’t a month to point out their differences to them. If anything, it is a month to celebrate those differences.

Casey is very proud of her puzzle piece flag on the front porch and they both like putting blue flags in the yard. We don’t do it for acknowledgment – we do it because they like it! We will wear blue on April 2nd because Casey loves it when we do. We are not doing it as if to say “hey look at us – this month is about us.” We do it because it makes our family happy. In our house, every month is Autism Awareness.

We spread awareness all the time. Every time we go to a store or visit a new place, we are spreading awareness of autism. We don’t need a special month to spread awareness, as my Facebook friend pointed out – most people have some awareness of autism now. We need to spread the joy we feel as parents of these amazing people! We need to show our pride. We need to support each other, as we all know we have bad days. Judging other families for how they live with autism is hurting everyone who lives and loves autism. Be kind. It’s really that simple.

So for this “Awareness Month” I’ll be sharing bits and pieces of our journey on our Facebook page and we will be proudly wearing blue and displaying our flags. Because every time someone laughs at something one of the kids did or thinks outside the box because we did, more lives will be affected. Maybe a teacher will try to be more like the ones my kids had or a parent will feel less alone. (Autism can definitely be a lonely journey at times. 🙁 )

Happy April, everyone! Spread pride and joy! Think of this as a month to celebrate your amazing family! Casey thinks we need a cake and Rob wants cookies. I think we can do that. Maybe I’ll even make them puzzle piece shaped or blue…. 🙂

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Autism and a Birthday Week

Autism and a Birthday Week

Casey loves birthdays. She loves to know everyone’s birthdays and can still tell me the birthdays of children in her preschool class! (thanks to her autism!) She hears someone’s birthday once and she doesn’t forget. It took me years (and sometimes, she still asks!) to get her to understand that we are not celebrating every birthday she knows, nor are we going to find those people and intrude on their celebrations.

As much as she loves other people’s birthday, nothing compares to the excitement she feels when it is HER day! She reminds me as soon as Mandy’s birthday is over in February that she is next. She doesn’t countdown – she just says “Casey will be 31 March 22.” Over and over… and she will make a list of what she wants. And where she wants to eat it. Everything must happen. This year, though, we saw that as excited as she is, she is willing for changes to happen.

My dad’s birthday is the day after hers and we have always had two celebrations. We wanted her to have her special day and even when we talked about combining them in other years, Casey wasn’t happy about it. Grandpa’s birthday was not the same day as hers and shouldn’t be celebrated on her day. (We always have her birthday party on her day – she can’t grasp doing it another day.) This year, she was okay with celebrating both together! It was a huge step for her!

She was a little concerned about how many candles we would need, as she said she needed 31 and Grandpa needed 74 (at which point Rob spoke up and said “105” and completely shocked me. He never talks about math and didn’t like it in school… this is just more proof they know more than they tell us and we should never doubt their abilities!). I told her we were absolutely not going to light 105 candles (though, now…. I kind of wish we did! 🙂 ) and she laughed. She has been okay with fewer candles on her cake for a few years – as long as she gets to blow them out and have everyone (including herself!) sing to her.

Another change this year was she decided she wanted “banilla pie with bananas” instead of cake! I was amazed she wanted pie instead of the traditional cake which usually has a Sesame Street character on it. I bought the ingredients for her pie (banana creme! lol) but was sure I would be making another trip to the store for cake stuff. She never changed her mind. She did keep reminding me that she wanted a new Ernie, summer PJ’s and money to go shopping. 🙂

She was up before dawn on her birthday. When I went to get her up, she bounced to me for a hug (WOW!) as I sang Happy Birthday to her. She had the sweetest smile on her face and couldn’t wait to start her day. They had her favorite doughnuts for breakfast and off to Hopewell.

As soon as they got home, she said she wanted McDonald’s for supper. I reminded her we could go anywhere (can you guess who didn’t really want that?? 😉 ) but she insisted. Mandy and Cory came for supper and then it was a waiting game until Grandma and Grandpa, Uncle Jeff, Aunt Angela, Lacey and Anna arrived. She was so happy to open presents – to find Sesame Street coloring books and books, summer PJ’s and money. Then…. Ernie!! She lit up when she saw how big he is and named him “Da Biggest Ernie” But, even better – Mandy and Cory bought her Elmo Fatheads (giant wall stickers) She wasn’t sure what they were at first, but was thrilled it was Elmo. Now he is all over her walls and she giggles when she thinks about that.

The funny thing is, once she had her pie (and a piece of Grandpa’s cake) she disappeared into her room. To her, her birthday was done. She didn’t care that her guests were still there, nor did she wait for good-byes from them. She had been running on excitement all day and she needed down time. She was happily folding socks as everyone left. Life is simply good.

I am still surprised that she was okay with sharing her party with Grandpa. (She did insist on seeing him on his birthday, which was no big deal. 🙂 ) I am surprised that Rob did that math. I am surprised that she asked for money to go shopping. I am completely in shock that she read every birthday wish she got on my personal Facebook page and our autism one. She carefully took my phone and slowly scrolled through them all. She loved seeing the GIF’s and the little pictures that people added to their comments. That was the first time she has ever shown any interest.

Autism constantly surprises me. Not always in as good of ways as this week, to be sure, but life is certainly never boring. Never, ever give up that your child will learn something new – that he/she will grow and change. You can’t possibly know the future. Keep your faith and enjoy every little surprise that comes your way.

By the way – Casey told me this morning that Grandpa’s birthday is all done… and it’s only 364 days (next year is Leap Year) until her birthday again and she will be 32. 🙂 🙂

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Autism – The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

Autism - The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

I got a message from someone who follows our Facebook page that informed me she was “unliking” the page because I was unrealistic with my views on autism. Against my better judgment, I asked what was unrealistic about my posts (because I really try to keep it real! 🙂 ) and she replied that autism isn’t the “rainbows and unicorns” that I believe it is and that a “real” mom would be praying for her children to be cured, not bragging about how far they have come.

Hmmm…… what?

I took a deep breath, counted to ten and tried to reply with kindness.

She again called me a bad mom for being proud of the kids and not just praying for a cure. She said I only shared fairy dust (she did like her pretty picture words, I’ll give her that. 🙂 ) and that her life was nothing like what I wrote about.

Yeah – and neither are my friends’ lives, lady. I tried again to be kind, as I truly believed she needed help and that God would want me to be kind.

She said that I make autism look easy and it’s not (yes – I write about good days – but I share the bad, too…. at least I thought I did). Then she made a comment about how I am ruining Mandy and Cory’s lives because Casey and Rob want to spend “too much” time with them. Unfortunately, she crossed a line. Mama Bear came out. Sorry, God – I really am – but I told her off and said she didn’t need to unlike our page as I was blocking her sorry self.

And that’s the ugly of autism. I still don’t get why she felt the need to tear us down. I mean, I know that when your life is hard, it’s hard to see others being happy, but really? Whatever, girl – move along. We don’t need your crap here. The ugly of autism is people who don’t try to see how amazing people with special needs are. It’s the judgments of people in public and who never learned it’s rude to stare and worse to make nasty comments.

When I started this blog and our Facebook page, it was simply a way for me to share our lives. I hoped that maybe, we could make someone laugh who hadn’t felt like laughing in a while or that we could help someone not feel so alone when they read that we are going through similar things. I didn’t count on the rude people (yeah – I should have… at least I can block them and Casey and Rob don’t have to hear their crap! 🙂 ).

I hoped that maybe something I tried with the kids would help another parent think of new ideas. To let people know that thinking outside the box was an awesome way to think. I wanted to connect with other autism parents so I wouldn’t feel alone at times. I wanted to let people know it’s okay to want to beg your son to go to sleep because you are so tired you just want to sit and cry.

I wanted to let people know it’s okay to be irritated when your daughter insists on tapping her socks (6 times each), her shoes (4 times, then 1 time – each!) then floor by the closet (3 times!) the hood of her coat (7, I think) the zipper of her coat (5 times, then 2 times – but only before she zips it, then it has to be tapped 2 more times – but only the first time she wears her coat that day – the tapping changes for each time she wears the coat during the day) when you are in a hurry to get out the door.

I wanted to let others know it’s okay to laugh when she jumps so her feet aren’t touching the kitchen floor when she turns the light on. And it’s okay to laugh when he fairy dances through the house. It’s okay to be tired of the same routines, of the same things over and over. It’s okay to want excitement in your life that isn’t autism related.

I try to share our good times as well as our rough days. Yes, my life is different from each one of you and what works for us may not work for you. I try not to make autism seem terrible. Some days it sucks, but not every day. Just like every other part of life.

And since my now blocked friend pointedly didn’t like me bragging about the kids… they did AWESOME at track and field last week! They were in a running race together – Casey took off and flew down the track. Rob jogged, he smiled at us as he ran by, he looked at the ceiling, he watched Casey running back to him…. and he fairy danced to the finish line. She got a blue ribbon, he got a red. She was excited – he didn’t seem to care.

They both enjoyed the basketball shoot and each got another ribbon. The noise was beginning to get to him, but he was still enjoying himself. The next slot was several activities they could choose from – and of course, he followed her wherever she went. She got a smiley face painted on her cheek – he got one on his hand (after our fiasco with the gray paint when he was the Tin Man a few years ago and the paint wouldn’t come out of his beard, he avoids paint on his face!) He was her shadow.

Yes, I am proud of them. That’s the part of the good of autism. I’m allowed to be proud of them. Everyone has abilities and talents, my blocked friend, and I can tell the world about my kids’. I do pity that you are so wrapped up in the bad, you won’t allow yourself to see the rainbows and unicorns! Maybe someday…..

If you are looking for a place to feel sorry for yourself, this isn’t the page for you. If you want to be angry all the time about your life, this isn’t for you. If you think autism is always easy, this isn’t the place for you.

If you want to find hope, laughs and new friends who understand you are happy, sad, mad, tired, exhausted, silly, and proud of your kids, welcome! We are so happy you are here!

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Autism and My Biggest Regret

Autism and My Biggest Regret

Every parent has regrets. Some big ones and some small ones that no one else may ever think about. As an autism mom, I have many regrets – things I wish I had handled differently – therapies I wish I had tried – not spending enough time with each of the kids. But my biggest regret still haunts me. Not every day, but often enough that it really gets to me some days. I can’t change I how I feel, even as I know I’m too hard on myself at times.

I’ve shared before that Casey was four when she was officially diagnosed. It had taken a year to get to this point, but other people knew something was up even before that. She was my first child and the only little one I had ever really been around, so I had no idea what she should be doing. She was never sick, so she got all of her check-ups at the well child clinic in our town. Maybe if I had taken her to the doctor, instead, she would have gotten help sooner. Or maybe not. Autism wasn’t well-known in the late 80’s – early 90’s.

When we finally saw the neurologist, I already knew she had autism. I had read a book by a mom with a daughter with autism and Casey did many of the same habits. But still, who can know for sure?

So, at this appointment, the doctor asked a few questions and observed Casey. When he said he was pretty sure she had autism, I just nodded. There was nothing else to say. Then he told me of a “wonderful book” about autism that I needed to read and said it would help answer all of my questions.

I bought the book right away and highlighted parts of it as I read. As I read, I was also taking care of newborn Rob and toddler Mandy, plus Casey was in preschool. And I got so depressed. This book told me she would never talk. Never be potty trained. Never be able to love. And on and on about the “nevers.” It didn’t mention sensory issues or so many other things that people on the spectrum may have.

Now, I know that there just weren’t many books about autism written at that time. It wasn’t as wide-spread as it is today. It probably was a great book at some point. I still hate it – because that book didn’t say anything about sensory issues. And I wonder, if I had had a clue what she was going through, could I have been a better mom? Maybe, my biggest regret wouldn’t be getting so frustrated with my sweet child.

I had no idea that her clothes might be causing her pain. I had no idea that sounds were causing her pain. I didn’t know that when I left the room, she thought i was gone forever. I didn’t know her screams were anything more than a tantrum because she wasn’t getting her way – even when I could find no reason for her to be mad.

I didn’t know that she desperately needed her routine so she could keep her sensory issues under control. I didn’t know she couldn’t sleep because she was too hot or too cold. I didn’t know she needed a ton of blankets to feel safe so she could sleep. I didn’t know getting her hair washed hurt her ears. I didn’t know the shower caused her pain. The list goes on and on. It doesn’t matter to me that I understand all of this now. It matters that I didn’t know then – and I couldn’t help her.

Her meltdowns started at school before at home. I’m sure it was because there were more expectations of her there and she couldn’t communicate what was wrong. I could guess at home and try to help her before the screams started. Mandy was also really good at guessing what Casey needed. (Another regret – Mandy had to be a big sister to Casey and Rob way too much.)

When her sensory issues really kicked in, the meltdowns began at home, too. But I didn’t know why she was screaming – only that she would be out of control for hours. I couldn’t comfort her. Most of the time, she had no idea I was even there as she screamed. She didn’t want my hugs. She didn’t want me to talk to her. She simply screamed. I made it worse by trying to help her.

And now my biggest regret. I got mad at her. Sometimes, I yelled. Sometimes, I slammed doors and cried. I don’t regret crying. I regret that I got mad at my sweet little child who needed my help – and I didn’t know it. I regret that I didn’t know enough to help her. I regret praying that Rob wouldn’t be like her. It’s a terrible thing for a mom to think. I should have been more patient. I should have been more understanding. I should have just sat quietly and waited for her to calm down, come over and lean on me.

I didn’t and I can’t change that. Could have. Should have. Would have. The definitions of regrets. I try not to dwell on it. I look at how much she has grown and changed. I want to find the author of that book and tell him he’s an idiot. But maybe he didn’t know any better, either.

By the way, I still have that book. It’s still the scariest book I’ve ever read. But, every time I see it, I know how far we have come and know that no one can EVER know what the future holds. It reminds me to always have faith and hope. Please, if you remember nothing else you read here today, please remember that. Never, ever give up on your child. The future is ours.

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An Autism Mom’s Happy Thoughts

An Autism Mom's Happy Thoughts

This was a camp respite weekend and the kids had a wonderful time. They got to see their friends, watch a movie, go bowling and make Valentine treat bags. When I dropped them off, I saw a friend of mine who is another autism mom and we talked a few minutes about our plans for the weekend.

Happy thought #1 – At the time, neither of us had definite plans for when our kids were gone. We had a good laugh when we discovered we were both hoping to have a snack without either a) waiting till the kids were asleep or b) hiding in the bathroom (yeah – maybe not a perfect solution, but you gotta go what you gotta do at times! 🙂 ) Anyone with a toddler will know what we mean, but our kids are adults and are still watching us eat. Have you ever noticed food isn’t as good when you are rushing through it? or when someone is trying to convince you to give it to them while you are eating??

And we were both hoping to sleep in – or maybe go to bed when we were tired instead of having to wait until the kids are asleep. It always makes me feel so much better when another autism mom shares my “strange” ideas of fun. I don’t feel alone when I hear my thoughts coming from another mom. Alone is a big part of autism and any time you can feel not-so-alone is great!

Happy thought #2 – I am so thankful that changes in her routine don’t throw Casey into terrible meltdowns anymore! When she was little, a snow day from school was enough to cause her to scream for hours – usually until her regular time to get home. Now, she is excited for “dult snow day” and goes back to sleep. ( I have to admit, though, the week before last, the weather caused my school and their day hab to be closed for three days and then the weekend came. Five days out of routine about did both of them in – and me, too! 🙂 )

Happy thought #3 – The kids were at my parents’ house Friday until I got off of work. When I walked into the house, Rob was looking out the window and said “I see power poles.” The whole sentence with no coaching and spontaneously. I was so excited and told him I was proud of him. His response was to look at me like I was crazy and go on looking out the window at the power poles. But still – a whole sentence that wasn’t an “I want” kind. Yes, I was happy!

Happy thought #4 – When we packed his clothes Friday, I wanted him to take a new shirt for going bowling and he resisted, but I packed it anyway and told him to wear it bowling – all the while thinking, yeah, sure he would. I saw pictures from the bowling alley and believe it or not, he is wearing the shirt! I am still in shock over that, but so very proud of him!

Happy thought #5 – Watching Casey talk to Julia (the Sesame Street character with autism) about going to camp was so cute. Since Julia came to live with us at Christmas, she hadn’t gotten to go to camp, yet. Casey’s smile as she told her bits and pieces of camp was beautiful. (On a side note – does anyone else talk to their child’s stuffed toys like another person? I always find myself telling Elmo or Cookie Monster good night and sweet dreams – or that it’s time to get up. And some days, I don’t even notice I’m doing it! 🙂 )

Happy thought #6 – My favorite show is coming back on tonight after a mid-season break. I hope the kids realize there can’t be any noise after 9! HA! (I can always hope, right??)

Happy thought #7 – I love snow and it’s snowing again! 🙂 🙂

Happy thought #8 – Autism isn’t defining us tonight. We are all enjoying our own activities, but still together. It’s evenings like this that give me hope for the future – and make it easier not to be afraid of what tomorrow might bring.

I hope each of you has a week full of happy thoughts! Look for those little moments that happen every day!


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Autism and Anxiety about the Future

Autism and Anxiety about the Future

A few days after Christmas, a doctor found a lump on my thyroid. He said many people had them and that it probably wasn’t anything to worry about, but that he thought I needed an ultrasound to see just what was going on. Anxious to get out of the office and on to shopping with Mandy, I agreed.

I did a little research when I got home, but I wasn’t worried about it. When I went for the ultrasound, I was surprised to hear there were two lumps and that one was solid, one was fluid. I was a little more concerned, but still, not enough to stress over. When the doctor called me the next day, I was shocked to learn that both the radiologist and the doctor were concerned and that I needed to have a biopsy.

Another doctor appointment was set for the following week and I’ll admit, thoughts of the future popped into my head more often. Even though the doctor has assured me that thyroid cancer is easily curable, the thought of cancer wouldn’t leave my mind. Still, though I was more concerned, it wasn’t all consuming. Just a nagging thought that came to me at odd times. I’m not one to stay awake at night worrying about things – I fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow. (I think it’s from all of those years of getting sleep whenever the kids slept! 🙂 )

I worry when I wake up – those first few minutes before I’m in the shower. Those minutes when it’s only Blue and I awake in the house, when wild thoughts went through my head. When worse case scenarios are so easily brought to the surface.

At the next doctor appointment, he agreed that a biopsy needed done. He wanted to do a quick ultrasound, then use a camera to look closer at my throat. However, as soon as he did the ultrasound, he said he had seen enough – no camera and I needed a biopsy as soon as possible. It was scheduled and the weekend before the procedure was not a good one for me (last weekend – our house was insane!). Thankfully, the day after the biopsy, the doctor called and the lumps were benign! The relief I felt was amazing – I felt like I had been holding my breath for days and I couldn’t call and text everyone fast enough. I just kept thanking God over and over.

During those weeks of waiting and wondering, thoughts of the future kept coming to me. Thoughts of surgery, of missing work, of possibly having to deal with cancer. And through it all, I tried desperately to hide my anxiety from everyone, especially Casey and Rob. Even though I knew that I couldn’t hide it completely, I tried to keep it from them. Casey has a real fear of needles, while Rob gets anxious enough without thoughts that I might be sick.

It seems silly, now that I know I’m fine, but those thoughts were scary. And it brought to surface the thoughts that all parents of special needs children have – what happens when I’m gone? It’s a terrifying, gut-wrenching thought. Who will care for your child? Who will advocate for your child? Who will protect your child? Who will love your child? Make sure that Elmo and friends are close and that crayons and cardboard are available?

Who will understand that he can only wear wind pants and soft, sleeveless shirts? Who will remember that they have a little snack after their afternoon pills? Who will remember she only takes baths and he only takes showers? Who will buy his special pretzels and write on her calendar? Who will care that she wants to wear her Michigan State t-shirt on Saturday and won’t get dressed without it?

And the routines… who will be able to remember all of the little things to make their lives easier and happier? That she needs to pat her clothes before she puts them on and he needs quarters in his pocket every morning, even if he never spends them. Even as I sit here, I can’t think of all of the little things that I just do every day – those things are just a part of life with autism – and they aren’t like anything else another family with autism lives with. Every one of us has our own routines.

Mandy and Cory have told me many times I never have to worry about the future, as Casey and Rob will always have a home with them. And that is a relief – a huge one, but at the same time, I still have worries. Casey talks about people who have passed away and that they are in Heaven. She believes it is a place and, if it is a place, why can’t we just go see them? She doesn’t truly understand the concept of dying. Rob talks about people who have passed away, but again, I’m not sure he understands they are gone and can’t come back.

It tears me apart that Casey and Rob might believe I just left them – that they might think I just got tired or didn’t love them anymore. Most of the time, I know thinking like this does no one any good and I push them away. We can’t ruin today worrying about the future. But it’s something we’ve all thought about. It’s scary enough to think about leaving our kids, but when they need us to protect them, it’s even more terrifying.

I am lucky. Casey and Rob have Mandy and Cory and others who will love and support them. Casey will believe I went to Heaven and that she will see me again someday. Rob is a mama’s boy and may have a harder time with me being gone and that breaks my heart. I know there is little I can do about something I have no control over. Today has it’s own problems and usually, I have no energy to think about the future. The last few weeks just brought those dark thoughts to the surface and I wanted to share my thoughts on something that most can only talk about to other autism/special needs parents.

Make the preparations you can for your children. Prepare a will, maybe a trust. Teach them as many life skills as you can. Help them be comfortable with a large circle of support. Share the little details that make your children special. Tell people about their “quirks” and their routines. Then more you feel prepared for something you can’t control the less the future will scare you. Trust that God will always look after your amazing children.

And, as I said earlier, don’t ruin today with thoughts of a future you can’t possibly know. Live, laugh and love! 🙂 Enjoy every day and let the future take care of itself. Trust me, I’m not blowing off your concerns – I’m only saying that you can’t let it consume your life.

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Autism and Terrible Anxiety

Autism and Terrible Anxiety

I’m not going to lie. Yesterday was NOT a good day here. We don’t have rough days often – or at least days that the “roughness” lasts all day, but that’s what happened. I even wrote a blog yesterday, but I had to delete it and start over. It was terrible!

So – in the last week, we have missed a day of work for ice (which Rob knew was coming – and I would have, too, if I had picked up on his clues. Now it’s obvious – at the time, I wasn’t thinking about the weather at all!), I had an appointment that didn’t go as I had hoped and I was anxious about that, we had a huge snow storm heading for us and then, of course, the full moon/eclipse for tonight. It’s no wonder we were all a little anxious, but it was worse than I thought.

Instead of snowing early yesterday, it rained. And rained. And rained. I mean, pouring buckets. We all wanted snow. I was already worried about how Rob would be feeling when he got up because he had a hard time getting to sleep Friday night. It’s been a while since that happened, but he was awake until after 1, quietly singing his anxiety/storm song. I knew the storm was coming.

I let them sleep as late as they wanted and he seemed okay when he got up. But, as soon as Casey got up, he ran to her room and started watching Power Rangers. That was fine for a while, but then he started his storm song. She was anxious about the weather, too, and wanted to be in her room folding socks and listening to music. He wouldn’t leave. (He has a DVD player and TV in his room, but he refused to use it. When I brought the movie to his room, he ran in, grabbed it, shut everything off and went back to her room). So I was waiting for her to have a meltdown. Irritation was written all over her face.

His song got louder and he started adding a few yells every 4th or 5th repetition. I gave him clay… magazines… his iPad…. offered him snacks. Nothing worked. By evening, I was even more on edge and ready to have a crying meltdown. I kept praying that it would start to snow (Sometimes, that helps him calm down – that the storm was actually here). But nothing but rain…. dreary, depressing rain.

By supper time, he had been repeating it over and over for 6 hours. I counted once – he averages 3 times a minute. That’s over a 1,000 times. It’s not that he was close by us, but the sound carries. It’s like a mosquito buzzing in your ear. It’s not loud, but drives you batty. And trust me, I don’t need anything else to drive me nuts. 🙂

After supper, Casey relaxed. She was grinning and talking about dressers and stuffed animals and her birthday (not til March, but why wait?) She giggled and smiled and truly, I didn’t care why she was happier, only that the threat of a screaming meltdown from her seemed to have passed.

When he came down for his shower hours later, I told him he couldn’t watch Power Rangers anymore, as Casey would want to watch Elmo before going to bed. As soon as he got out of the shower, he ran back up to her room and started the movie and the singing again (he also sang through his shower!) When she was ready for bed, he came down, but his song was even louder down here. I was as close to tears as I’ve been in a long time. I just knew he wasn’t going to go to sleep.

He finally took a pile of magazines, but kept repeating his song. (Someone suggested I record it so you can all hear it, but I’m not sure I want to do that.) I took Blue outside and went to watch TV while I waited to see what he would do. In less than 10 minutes, I realized I hadn’t heard him and was shocked to find him sound asleep! I just kept thanking God over and over and prayed that he slept all night.

He started “singing” at 11 yesterday morning and finally stopped at 9:30 that night. He repeated it almost 2,000 times. I call it his song, but there aren’t always many words. You can understand “John Anderson, John Michael Montgomery, Josh Turner, Long Black Train” and sometimes “Splat” after a series of sounds like trains on tracks. The beginning is always the same, the ending changes. Some days, I don’t even notice it.

I was worried that today would be a repeat of yesterday because even though the storm has passed, the full moon and eclipse are still tonight. (Anyone who says that doesn’t effect anyone needs to live in my circus through a full moon cycle!) I’ve even heard that the new moon bothers some people. Some months, Rob is more anxious for about a week around the full moon. Other times, he doesn’t seem to be too concerned about it. Casey feels it just for a few days. It may bother him more because he has more anxiety than she does.

I am so blessed to be able to say that, so far, anyway, they are both happy today. He is really quiet and doesn’t want to talk very much, but he has his iPad and magazines. I haven’t heard that song at all (Knock on wood!!! 🙂 ) She has been laughing all day. She is also happy their workshop is closed tomorrow – another reason he may have been more anxious, since that’s a change in his routine.

If his anxiety was the result of all three things happening together, at least I don’t have to worry about a super blood wolf moon eclipse for a few years! (Always look on the bright side! 🙂 ) I’m sure he doesn’t feel like himself today, but he’s coping and that’s all any of us can do. The wind is blowing and that always bothers him, too. Today will be a demand free day – they can do what they want without my interference! (well, most of what they want, anyway! 🙂 )

I hope that each of you are coping, too. Deep breaths, folks. Or cry, if you need to. If you are near the snow, be safe!