For the 5th time in just a few weeks, a parent told me that they never “discipline” their child with autism – that their life is hard enough without rules they need to follow. HUH?? What exactly does that mean?
You read it right. There are parents (both of special needs and typical children!) that no longer believe in teaching their children manners or rules. They want to be the child’s “friend” and too many rules will make that impossible. They believe no one else is polite, so why worry about their child’s manners? And I’m sorry – I have the wrong attitude – but I wanted to smack them! You don’t have a child to get a new best friend (but, if you are lucky, you do become that – through hard work, patience, laughter and love!)
I suppose, in a way, I was lucky that Casey had turned 4 before she was officially diagnosed. I had certain expectations for her and taught those to her before I was told it would never be something she could do. (Remember – this was 26 years ago – autism information has come a long way since then!) I was told she would never be potty- trained, never talk, never be able to communicate her needs/wants, need constant supervision. (I have since thrown away that first book I read – it was terrifying!)
Some of what I was told may have come true, but not much of it. And through all of the books I read and conferences I went to, I continued to have expectations for her – the same ones I had for Mandy and Rob. Sure, it was harder to teach her and Rob some things, but I never gave up. I had to be creative at times to teach them to say please, thank you and excuse me. I still have to constantly remind them to let others walk through a door before them and to share.
Sometimes, I have to remind them to say please and thank you. But, that’s what a parent does – you constantly remind your child to act in a certain way. You don’t give up because it is difficult. You find new ways to teach them. Because rude people are not accepted in society. It may seem to be the norm, now, but it is not acceptable to me. Autism does not mean my kids have a free pass to be rude little brats. Nope, no way, not in my house.
Are they always perfect? God, no! Am I? Nope. Do I let things slide at times that I shouldn’t? Yep – especially when we are having a hard day or we are tired. Do I regret it? Sure – but I’ve never claimed to be a perfect mom. I do my best and let stuff slide – probably more often than I should, but some days, the little things just aren’t worth the added stress.
Yesterday is a prime example. I wasn’t feeling well – Casey was in a mood – Rob repeated his anxiety song for almost 9 (yes – 9!) hours straight with no breaks. By the evening, I didn’t care about how well they scrubbed themselves in the shower or how well their teeth got brushed. We just needed it done with as little added anxiety as possible.
But, even at that, having autism doesn’t give them a pass on behaving themselves. Autism causes certain behaviors and I would never “punish” them for those, but other things are not autism. And I expect them to behave. When they don’t, I correct them and explain in as few words as possible what they need to do. Sometimes, saying “That’s bad.” is all I say. If you say too many words, your child won’t be able to process what you are saying and you will be wasting your breath – and be right back where you started from.
Everyone has rules. Your child may have autism, but they need rules, too. You don’t leave the house. You don’t climb to the roof. You don’t jump off the roof. You don’t leave with strangers. You don’t hit others. You have to wear clothes when you leave the house. No spitting. No running. Hold an adult’s hand when you cross the street. You will wear seat belts. You don’t sleep at work.
Rules keep your child safe. Will your child understand that? Probably not. Will it be easy? Nope – you may never teach them some rules so you can trust them to do it. (Look both ways before crossing a street is a tough one for us. They both glance each way AS they are crossing the street. It’s a constant battle, but one that I can’t give up on. It’s a matter of safety!)
Being impulsive is a huge part of autism with some people, so not only will you be fighting the communication aspect, but also their own impulses. You will get tired, but you have to do this! You have to teach your child – you have to discipline them. Imagine how your typical child will feel if they are punished for something, but the child with autism isn’t. While I know life isn’t fair, that definitely isn’t! It’s hard enough to have a sibling with autism without feeling as though they are more important or special than you.
Obviously, you will have to figure out what is autism behaviors and what is just being a brat. Meltdowns from sensory issues cannot be helped, until you know what’s causing the problem and fix the issue – are their clothes uncomfortable? Are they hot? Cold? Hungry? Anxious? Are the lights too bright or blinking? Is it too noisy? Is someone’s perfume too strong? Always remember that meltdowns are NOT tantrums.
A child has a tantrum when they are told “no” or something is taken away they want. Or when they are tired or hungry. They kick and scream, but know exactly what they are doing. A child with autism will kick and scream, but have no awareness of who is around them. Casey never knew I was there until she started calming down.
You aren’t doing your child any favors by letting them do whatever they want at home. You are making their teacher’s life miserable because, at school, they have to follow rules! That teacher has enough to handle without the added bonus of a little brat with parents who refuse to believe their angel could be bad.
Autism or not, discipline and manners are important! I know you are tired and stressed and don’t want to deal with anything else. I’ve been there! But, the sooner you start teaching your child, the easier it will be to continue. Take a breather when you need to – don’t strive to be perfect. A perfect parent simply does not exist.
