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Autism Siblings – Unwavering, Unconditional Love and Laughter

Autism Siblings

I’m sure I’ve mentioned before that one of my biggest worries with having two kids with autism was my “typical” daughter.  I wanted Mandy to know that she was just as special and as loved as Casey and Rob.  It’s not easy to do that and I often felt that I was failing them all.

Casey was almost 3 when Mandy was born and we were surprised that she took an immediate interest in her little sister.  She loved watching Mandy sleep and to put her binky back in her mouth when she lost it.  When Mandy was old enough to lay on the floor under a mobile, Casey was often right beside her watching the same toy.  When Mandy cooed, Casey giggled.  When I talked to Casey, I might as well have been talking to the wall.  Mandy had an immediate effect on Casey.

Casey got her official diagnosis of autism two weeks before Rob was born.  Her neurologist told me that since I had one child with autism, I should watch for signs from either of the other kids.  Mandy was talking and loved being around people, but it was possible that she would regress at any time.  I didn’t even think about Rob having autism at that point – I was too worried about getting Casey the help she needed and watching Mandy for signs she was losing skills.

When Mandy turned 3, I was sure she was fine.  She talked non-stop and enjoyed pretending and playing with anyone.   She talked to Casey, even if she didn’t get a response, and she played odd games with Casey, just to hear her giggle.  One of their favorites was to toss toys over their shoulders until their closet was empty – laughing the whole time.  Sitting in the doorway watching them was so much fun and gave me hope that Casey would ok.

Rob followed Mandy from the day he was born.  Because they were so close in age, and she was small for her age, they were often mistaken for twins.  She talked for him, so he rarely had to make an effort to communicate.  He also had constant ear infections, so when he didn’t say much, our doctors weren’t too concerned.

When I tried to teach Casey or Rob skills that Mandy learned easily, she jumped in to make it more fun.  She didn’t know she was helping – only that she was “playing” with her brother and sister.  Unfortunately, there were many times that Mandy jumped in to help when Casey was having a meltdown and Rob was anxious.  I hated depending on her – she was just a little girl!

I hated that when she wanted to play with Barbies or horses, I had to sit at the top of the steps and play so I could hear what was happening downstairs.  I hated that Rob loved her horses as much as she did and was likely to take them while she wasn’t looking.  I hated that Casey loved chewing Barbie feet and Mandy would be furious their shoes wouldn’t fit anymore.

But as mad as Mandy would get, she was the first one to jump when Casey or Rob needed help.  She didn’t seem to notice that they weren’t like her friends’ siblings.  I worried that her friends would be mean to the kids, but they were accepted.  I think it helped that Mandy went to our local elementary school and Casey and Rob went to another one.  This gave Mandy time to grow and learn self-confidence  before she had to really deal with the cruelty of other kids towards her siblings.

I have often seen posts that say if you want to know how to treat someone with autism, you should just look to their siblings.  There is so much truth in that statement.  I never told Mandy she had to always be nice to her siblings – what siblings never fight?  But – while she may have gotten mad and yelled at Casey or Rob, no one else better even think about it.   She is a firm believer that only she can do that!

She knows just what buttons to push to get reactions from Casey and Rob and still pushes those buttons at time, just so they can share laughs.  They may not share fun like typical siblings, but the love and laughs are the same.  They tease each other (anyone who says people with autism don’t have a sense of humor haven’t looked closely enough!) every chance they get.

Mandy and Cory lived in Texas for several years and those were tough years for Rob.  Casey would look at the calendar and know when they were coming home for a visit, but Rob couldn’t understand time  or distances.  He just wanted Mandy and Cory to be home.  Now that they live here, a trip to their house is better than a stop at McDonalds!

I know not all siblings of people with autism are as close as mine are.  I wish they could be.  I wish I knew the magic answer.  The best advice I can give is always remember that each child has their own special needs.  Your typical child needs to have time just with you – no matter what you need to do to give it to them.  Spend the other kids to bed earlier.  I used to send Casey and Rob to school and take Mandy shopping and out for lunch once in a while.  When Mandy had special events at school, I was there and I left Casey and Rob with grandma and grandpa so I would be totally there for her.

Rob still follows Mandy around – just like in the above the picture.  Whenever Mandy practiced her trumpet, Rob pulled my old guitar out and followed her.  If she went in the pool, he was right behind her.  And he still thinks she has the best ideas.  He leans on her for comfort.  Casey does the same but she expects Mandy to take her everywhere she wants to go.  They both know they can twist Mandy around their fingers – but she doesn’t always do what they want.  Sometimes, she is mean and says no – and Casey will tell on her as soon as she can.

Close – knit siblings are still siblings, after all!

 

 

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Autism Mom and her Not so Little Weatherman

Autism Mom and her Not so Little Weatherman

It’s been a long week for us.  The crazy weather started Sunday as Rob’s autism anxiety grew steadily as the day went on.  I knew there was a possibility of a little snow Monday, but he knew better.  He began asking for his workshop about mid-afternoon and had worked himself up to being unable to stop his “storm song” by evening.  I should have known he knew something was coming.

Monday morning, I got up to find Rob already awake and asking for work.  He took his pills and his breakfast back to his room and I turned my phone on to see what was going on.  Luckily, I did this before I woke Casey up – their workshop was closed due to icy roads.  I told him it was closed and he was going to stay home with me that day.  He wasn’t pleased, but seemed more relaxed than he had the day before.

He went back to sleep and was happier when he got up.  He did keep telling me they were going to work Tuesday and I agreed with him that they would be going.  We had a pretty good day with him reminding me many times that he really wanted to go to work the next day.

Late in the day, I heard about another possible storm heading our way.  It wasn’t supposed to reach us till late in the week, so I didn’t think too much about it.  Rob didn’t seem too concerned, so I wasn’t either.  Until Wednesday, when I came home from work.

As I parked in the garage, I already heard his storm song.  I couldn’t believe he was already sensing the storm!  I checked my phone to see if something was closer than I thought, but there was nothing predicted until the end of the week.  The weathermen were predicting rain – or possibly 24″ of snow.  Rob told me snow.  And he continued to sing his storm song.

His song got louder as the evening went on, but he did go to sleep fairly quickly.  Thursday, his storm song was almost constant.  He laughed when I asked if we were going to get rain or a lot of snow.  (He has a very devilish giggle when he thinks I’m being especially goofy!)

Friday, it was still pouring rain, but the storm was coming.  All of the schools in our area were closing early and so was their workshop.  We were safely at home before the ice started, then the snow.  This morning, we had about 6″ of snow at our house, with drifts over a foot deep in some places.  He was right again.

When the kids were little, I had a coat rack in the dining room for their backpacks when they got home from school.  I always knew there was a snow day coming when Rob put his backpack in his room instead of the coat rack.  He was wrong once – school closed because of a flood, not snow.  He is much more reliable than any weatherman.

Rob is happily playing with his Legos now.  No storm songs and no squeals.  Casey is singing and says the snow is all done.  And I’m left wondering again just how sensitive they have to be to know when bad weather is coming.  I can’t imagine being able to feel the barometer dropping, though I suppose many of us do in one way or another.  Whether it’s a sinus headache or achy joints, we feel the changes.

I am so proud of the way the kids handle their sensitivities.  I know he gets loud and she shuts down, but I can’t imagine  what I would do.  When my patience is running out  – when I’ve heard the same darn phrase 100 times in the last ten minutes – I have to keep telling myself that they aren’t trying to annoy me.

They are simply trying to handle a pain that I can’t even imagine.  They are just communicating their needs in a way that I understand.  I have to stay calm or his anxiety will go even higher and he will get louder.  I remind myself that he can’t help it – that they are both coping the best they can, just like the rest of us.

I am constantly amazed that he knows exactly when rain/snow will start.  He walked into the dining room a few minutes ago and looked out the window.  I said that the snow was all done.  He looked at me and laughed – and it was snowing again.  I don’t know how many times he has shut the windows just a minute or two before the rain starts.

Can you imagine being that sensitive to things in our every day life?  To foods or textures or noises or odors?  Can you imagine feeling pain when you have to wear a certain type of clothing?  Or feeling sick when someone tries to force you to eat a gooey food?   It’s no wonder many people with autism hate crowds – imagine the smells and sounds!

My kids are stronger than I am.  The constant assault on my brain/body would be more than I could handle.  I know they don’t understand that not everyone feels/smells/hears like they do.  I’m sure they assume everyone is like them, but I wonder.  Do they ever watch us and wonder  what our lives are like?  Do they wonder why Mandy got to learn to drive and they didn’t?  Or why she lives in another house and they don’t?

For now, I’ll be happy that the storm song is quiet.  And I’ll be ready to listen when he starts singing it again.

 

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Autism Mom Wonders – Is he Hungry or is it OCD?

Is it Hunger or OCD?

Raise your hand if you have ever had a day when you simply couldn’t stop eating.  I know I have them and it’s nearly impossible to control the urge to eat all of the chips and snacks in the pantry.  So, if everyone has them, how do I know if Rob is hungry today or if he’s just obsessing about food because of his autism?

And as I wrote that paragraph, Casey walked in to the room carrying a pack of candy that was on my desk.  Maybe it’s the weather?

We have had an odd week of weather with well below zero wind chills.  Rob hates the wind, but luckily, it was just so cold the wind didn’t have to blow much to drop the temps.  The super moon was earlier in the week, too.  And they were home Monday for New Year’s Day.  So, it’s been an odd week.  But would that drive them to eat so much?

Sure – stress does that to some people.  I tend to avoid eating when I’m stressed, but I know lots of people eat when they are stressed.  Casey will always try to sneak food or drinks, so I’m sure today is just a typical day for her, but what about Rob?

I’m trying so hard to watch what they eat and limit overeating as much as possible.  Exercising isn’t as easy in the winter (though he is going to an indoor track with staff during the day!) so I’m really watching what they eat.  He ate breakfast as usual, but at lunch, he wanted more after he finished.  Later in the afternoon, he asked for his pills early (they have snacks with their pills) and then wanted more after he ate when he usually does.

At supper, it was like he couldn’t get full.  He ate supper, then wanted waffles.  Then fruit, then crackers, then candy.  I gave him a banana and some crackers, then told him no more.   As I was washing dishes, I thought about the days when my appetite seems endless.

So now I’m feeling bad.   What if the storm that’s heading our way is stressing him out (he is a little loud) and his appetite is increased.   Am I making it worse because I’m not letting him eat everything?  Right about now would be a great time for a verbal breakthrough!

I know physically, he can’t possibly be hungry, but still, I feel so guilty telling him no.  Every time he hears someone in the kitchen, he comes running to see what they are doing.  I don’t remember the last time he acted like this – maybe he really is hungry.  I’ve noticed he is losing a little weight – maybe he isn’t eating enough.  How in the world am I supposed to know what is autism and what is being a young man?

So I just offered him carrots and he took them.  He isn’t fixated on a certain food.  Ok – he is hungry.  I think.  He refused the celery, but I’ve never seen him eat that.  I’m going to wait and see what he does, for now.

But this does bring up the hardest part of autism and limited communication.  It is so difficult to know what is really going on with the kids.  When Casey has a meltdown, is she tired?  mad?  hungry?  When Rob is relentlessly looking for paperclips, is he anxious, bored or hungry?

He’s getting louder now. I think the approaching storm is the problem.  So now the question is – do I let him eat everything he wants or keep trying to redirect him?  I think a pile of cardboard would be a great idea right now!  Hopefully, that will help until it’s time for his shower.  He’s been asking about Hopewell tomorrow – I’m a little worried this storm is going to be worse than predicted.

I really hate now knowing what they need or want.  I know how lucky I am that they have any communication at all, but still, it would be so nice if he could just say he’s starving!  Or that he’s anxious or that a huge storm is coming.

How do you handle the communication problems?  Do you ever feel guilty when you don’t give the kids everything they ask for?  Any tips for telling the difference between stress-related eating and obsessive eating?

Stay warm and stay safe everyone!

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An Autism Mom’s List of New Year’s Resolutions

Autism Mom's New Year's Resolution

Happy New Year!  I hope each of you had a Merry Christmas!  Now is the time that we all think about what we really want from the coming year and what we would like to change.  Getting organized, getting healthy and saving money are always at the top of most people’s lists and while I think those are all awesome goals, my list looks a little different, thanks to autism.

Resolution #1 – I resolve to ask for help when I need it – hopefully, before I have a meltdown of my own.   Asking for help is not easy for me and I hate doing it.  I know I  need to.  I know life is easier when I have help.  I know I have friends and family that are only a phone call away and who want to help the kids and me.

And I know how much I just hate to do it.  I have never liked asking for help – this isn’t something I learned from autism.  I have no idea why.  Maybe my stubbornness has something to do with it.  I always feel like I should be able to handle anything autism throws at me.  Is that unrealistic?  Of course – and the funny thing is, I know it’s crazy.  So – I’ll do my best, but this will probably be my most difficult resolution.

We all need help at times.  Reach out when you need to!  There are people willing to help you – you just may have to search for them.

Resolution #2 – I resolve to make time for me.   I don’t have to ask for help for this one – I just have to do it.  I need to write more, craft more, read more, yoga more.  I’m really good at taking care of others, but not so good at doing what I want for me.  I’ve been working at this for a few weeks, now, so hopefully, this will be an easy resolution to keep.

You have to do the same thing.  If you don’t have time for you and what you enjoy, you will burn out.  Been there, done that and trust me, it’s not pretty.  You can’t take care of your person with autism if you are burned out.  Helping yourself will help your child, I promise.  Do what you love and I guarantee dealing with autism will be easier.

Resolution #3 – I resolve to thank the people who help with Casey and Rob more.  And to thank the friends and family who send me texts or messages just to say hi and see how we are doing.   I can never tell you how much those quick messages mean to me – bright spots in my day.  I’ve made so many new friends thanks to autism and I hope that my messages to them help, too.  A simple hi or a smiley face can truly brighten someone’s day.

To the people who work with Casey and Rob – thank you!  You don’t have an easy job.  I hope you understand that sometimes, when I am angry, I’m not angry at you – I’m just tired and stressed and don’t want to deal with autism anymore.  Please know that I get tired of hiding paper clips and Q-tips and juice boxes at home, too.

Resolution #4 – I resolve to spread more awareness of autism.   By writing this blog, sharing our circus and keeping up with our Facebook page.  By taking the kids wherever they want to go with whatever supports they need.  By telling those who stare why Casey and Rob are doing what they are doing.  By controlling my temper when the stares are accompanied by rude comments and by losing it when I need to.

We all benefit with more awareness.  It won’t be just our autism families who are helped.  Any family who has someone a little different might find a more accepting world.  A kinder world – isn’t that something we all want?

Resolution #5 – I resolve to follow my own dreams and not let autism take over my life.  This is a little like doing things for myself, but on a much larger scale.  It’s much easier to take five minutes to crochet or meditate than it is to spend hours planning how you can reach for your own dreams.  It’s hard for me to write as much as I would like – real life tends to get in the way at times.  This year, I want to reach for my own dreams and not just push the kids to reach for theirs.

This resolution works whether you have a special needs person in your life or not.  As parents, we always put the kids first.  I’m not saying to ignore your kids, but you do have the right to follow your dreams, too.

So, as we count down the last days of the year, think about what you really want your resolutions to be.  Take small steps and allow yourself to make mistakes – progress is rarely a straight and narrow path.  Just like the progress our kids make – it is often a small step forward, a step back, a step to the right, a step forward.  You can do it!

Happy New Year!  Thank you for following our journey!

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An Autism Mom’s Christmas Wish for You!

An Autism Mom's Christmas Wish for You

Only two more days till Christmas!   My wish list for each of you and your families is below.

  • A few hours of uninterrupted sleep.
  • A child who will wear clothes all day.
  • An understanding family who will have a quiet place for your little one to relax.
  • A meal that has something your child will eat – and if you have to take it, an compassionate hostess that understands your needs.
  • Gifts that your child will enjoy – whether it’s age- appropriate or something odd (like bubble wrap!)
  • A family photo
  • Lots of laughter!
  • A nice afternoon nap – for you and your child!
  • A few minutes for you to breathe deeply and remember just how far your child has come.
  • Strength and patience to not smack people who won’t accept your child.
  • Teachers, therapists, doctors and staff who love your child and are willing to do their best for them.

May each of you find the peace, joy and love that is the true reason for the season.  Merry Christmas to all!

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How to Help Families with Autism Enjoy the Christmas Season

Helping families with Autism Enjoy Christmas

This is such a busy time of year for everyone and, unfortunately, all of the craziness can be especially hard on the families who live with autism every day.  Now is the time for each of us to practice patience and acceptance even more than we usually do.  Here are some ideas to help everyone have a more Merry Christmas.

Please, if you are having a party, do invite the family with autism.  True, they may not come, but just being invited means so much to us!  Life is tough enough without sitting home and knowing that others just don’t want your family at an event.  Invite them – and be ready to accept them into your home!

Be understanding if they bring their own food for their little one.  Picky eaters don’t become “non-picky” just because it’s a party.  Don’t be insulted if they bring snacks – it isn’t meant to be that way.  It just makes having fun easier when they know their child has something to eat.

Perhaps you could light fewer scented candles.  The smells of the party guests (perfumes, colognes, etc) will be strong enough for anyone with a hypersensitive sense of smell.  If you have a place, maybe you could prepare a quiet spot for your guests.  It can be an empty room or just a spot in the corner for them to feel safe.

Speak to the child with autism!  Just say “hi” and smile.  You can’t imagine how happy you will make the parents by simply saying hi.  So many times, our kids aren’t spoken to because they may not answer.  So what?  Say hi anyway.  The child will know you spoke – and may even say a quiet hi back!

If you are buying a gift for the person with autism, talk to the parents first.  An adult with autism may still love child’s toys – like Casey with her Sesame Street friends.  Now isn’t the time to “force” the person to be an adult.  Buy what they like and enjoy the smiles when they open your gift.  As I’ve said before – Casey and Rob are getting some odd things for Christmas (think bubble wrap and children’s toys) but I don’t care.  I can’t wait to see their excitement Christmas morning, after they see what Santa brought.

Be sensitive to a family’s traditions.  Casey still believes in Santa and I don’t want anyone telling her different.  She can’t wait to hear sleigh bells Christmas Eve and pretend to be asleep so Santa will stop at our house.

Be understanding of the over-excited child at a parade or school function.  Most people seem to assume the child is being a “brat” and that parents can’t or won’t control him/her.  You may simply be seeing a child with sensory issues.  And if you do happen to see a child (or adult!) having a meltdown, don’t judge.  Offer the parent a smile and help, but remember, we deal with this every day and don’t be insulted if we decline the offer.

Parents- you know your child best.  I know not to take Rob into crowds for too long or his anxiety will ruin the day for all of us.  He doesn’t enjoy parties and even at our family dinner, he will join us for short periods of time, but he also stretches out in my brother’s old room for some peace and quiet.  And that’s ok.  Casey is always right in the thick of things, but once her plan has been finished (eat then presents) she just sits and watches the silliness.  She will join in games, sometimes, but others, she just watches and laughs.

While Rob is a picky eater, I don’t have to take anything special for him to eat.  He likes ham and rolls, so he nibbles on those and disappears upstairs again.  He likes to open presents, but when he’s done, off he goes again.

If there is something special Casey wants to do, I’ll find someone to take her or someone to stay with Rob so I can take her.  She loves going to see “The Nutcracker” every year when my niece, Anna, is dancing, but Rob won’t even consider it.

I have a hard time with this, but I’ll share my advice with you.  Parents, it’s ok to do things without your child.  I always hate feeling like I’m leaving them out, but it’s ok that I want to enjoy things without worrying about their needs.  Maybe one of your holiday traditions can be a dinner and movie without the kids.  Or just a drive around to see the light displays.  It’s hard to leave them, but it’s ok.

When you are taking your child to a new place, take whatever they might need to enjoy it with you.  Pack a bag of snacks or fidgets or whatever they like.  If they are happy and relaxed, you will all have more fun.  Who cares what others think?  Even parents of “typical” kids are giving them iPads or cell phones to entertain them while waiting – why shouldn’t you do the same?

Expect that your child might be “off” for a few weeks. When Casey was little, December was not a good month at all.  The meltdowns and screams were terrible. It wasn’t until she was older that we discovered why.  She was never sure she had been “good” so Santa would stop.  She knew how upsetting her meltdowns were to me and was worried Santa would think she was bad.  It was heartbreaking for me to discover that.  She was (and still is!) such a literal thinker.  Good or bad – there was no middle ground.

As for us, we are excitedly waiting for Santa to bring some unusual gifts our way.  We are singing Christmas songs and planning a big day of baking soon.  We still have some gifts to finish creating (aren’t those the best kind?) and Christmas movies to watch.  We have Christmas socks (imagine that!) and Christmas shirts (with Rob saying “no fanks, please, mommy Jen”) and are counting the days till we are all together at my parent’s house.

I hope each of you can find the peace and joy of the season amid the chaos of autism.  Enjoy every special moment that is unique to your family!

 

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Autism and Odd, But Fun Christmas Traditions

Autism and Odd, But Fun, Christmas Traditions

Every family has their own traditions for holidays or other special days in the year.  An autism holiday tradition  may not be like other families, but they are what works for us.  Each family needs to find what works for them and makes their family happy.  Who cares if it isn’t something that anyone else would understand?

Our family does have a few traditions, but we are also very good at flying by the seat of our pants at times.  We decorate the weekend after Thanksgiving and the kids help with the trees in their rooms and our “family” tree in the living room.  Each of the kids have gotten special ornaments every year for Christmas so they have big collections.  Looking at that tree is like watching them grow up all over again – from the Baby’s First Christmas ones to the Power Rangers to the Rug Rats to Pooh and Dr. Seuss.

Another tradition is to open presents from each other during the day on Christmas Eve.  I started this when they were little and just couldn’t wait until the next day.   Casey, Rob and Mandy would exchange gifts and it was often enough to keep them busy for a few hours.  I also wanted Casey and Rob to understand that Santa didn’t bring everything.

Santa still comes to our house.  I don’t think Rob ever really believed that a man came into our house on that night, but Casey still firmly believes in Santa and the magic of Christmas.  Thanks to that, the magic will never truly leave our home and I’m so glad for that tradition.   I love watching her eyes when she discovers that Santa came again.

Last year, for the first time, Rob got up in the middle of the night and raided his stocking.  He was always the one who went to sleep and had to be pulled from bed the next morning to open presents.  I can’t wait to see what he does this year.  Casey is always too excited to sleep on Christmas Eve and as a result, after she opens presents, she goes back to bed.  She used to say “Get up in da dark” for days before Christmas, while I reminded her to get up in the light!

Another Christmas Eve tradition for our family is a long drive to look at decorated houses around town.  Casey has already asked about this year and giggled when I told her we would go.  When they were little, I would give them  baths and bundle into new Christmas pajamas before we left, but that doesn’t happen anymore.  They both enjoy the quiet ride to see the lights and it helps relax them before trying to sleep.

Every year, I try to take them somewhere special to see Christmas lights.  Casey still wants to talk to Santa, but I have to be careful as Rob is likely to pull his beard off to see who is really there – or completely ignore him.  He has never been happy to see Santa or sit on his lap.  I may have one picture of him near Santa, but that’s ok.  I know many families really want pictures with Santa but it’s never been a real concern for me.

Last week, we drove to a nearby county to see their decorated courthouse.  I thought Rob might like it, but that it wouldn’t interest him for long.  I knew Casey and Mandy would like it.  I was so surprised!  Rob giggled and laughed the whole time we were there.  I took several pictures of the three of them together and in each they are laughing together.  Seeing that was truly this mom’s Christmas joy!  The only thing that would have made it better was if Cory had been able to be there, too.

Your favorite traditions may have to be altered a little for your family but that’s ok.  If your little one wants a tree decorated with socks (how Casey would love that!) or with blocks, who cares?  Decorate how you want to and enjoy the smiles and giggles.  You may have to hide special items or put them up high to protect them, but that’s ok.  I remember one year that the kids decorated the family tree and all of the ornaments were from their height down.  While I laughed about it and how cute it was, a friend commented that I needed to “fix” it.  Why?  The kids worked hard on it and were so pleased with how it looked.  Why in the world would I want to change that?

Traditions are wonderful additions to family life, but they are supposed to add to the love and fun, not cause more stress.  Stop worrying about what other people might think of pumpkin shaped cookies at Christmas and think about how much fun you had making the cookies with your family.  If church isn’t an option, you can still read the story of Jesus’s birth and play with a nativity set.  We are so used to adapting our lives to autism – I don’t know why so many people forget that at Christmas.

Autism isn’t going to take a break for the holidays (But how cool would that be?  Maybe… or maybe not) so why would you try to force a “normal” Christmas?  And how many families have those perfect holidays, anyway?  Personally, I think “Christmas Vacation” is probably a good idea of how many holidays are – we just don’t inside other houses.  We don’t see how other families have to adjust their ideas also.

The only thing you should worry about is a happy day for your family.  Never compare your holiday to anyone else’s and don’t assume everyone else has it all together.  This time of year is busy for everyone and really, you have the perfect opportunity to find the peace and joy everyone wants at Christmas.

No one expects autism families to attend every event or join in every party.  We have the perfect excuse to say, “No, thank you.  We appreciate the invitation, though.”  We can stay home and create our own traditions.  How about piling blankets in the living room and watching Christmas cartoons together?  Create ornaments every year or take a walk in the snow.  Stop and take  a deep breath.  Find the joy of the season in your own unique ways.  I’d love to hear what traditions your family enjoys!  I’m always looking for new ideas!

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Autism – How to Find the Perfect Christmas Gifts

Autism - How to Find the Perfect Gift

Over the last week, I’ve read several posts by parents or grandparents of people with autism wondering about Christmas gifts for their loved ones.  I’ll admit – I don’t have the perfect answer, as I struggle with Rob every time I want to buy him a gift.

The conversation goes something like this.  “Rob, tell me what you want for Christmas.” “The presents.” “What do you want in the presents?” “A present.” “But, what kind of present?” “A present.” “A CD?” “CD.” “New Legos?” “New Legos.” “Crayons?” “Crayons.”  And on and on.

Casey, on the other hand, has been able to tell me what she wants for several years.  She is a very detailed list maker.  This year, an orange t-shirt, a blue turtleneck, jeans, Elmo book and “da biggest Grover” top her list.  And, she tells everyone different things to be sure she doesn’t get duplicates.  She is a planner, that’s for sure.

So, I struggle with Rob.  I try to think of what he is interested in, but right now, paper clips and cardboard are the top of his list.  He loves the original Mighty Morphin Power Rangers and the Wizard of Oz.  He doesn’t care about clothes (unless I want him to wear new ones!).  Dr. Seuss books are always a hit, but he has his favorites, so why buy more?

He doesn’t watch DVD’s or TV.  He doesn’t listen to CDs anymore, as he uses his iPad.  He plays with Legos and loves small wooden trains.  He doesn’t wear his hats anymore and he has a huge pile of soft blankets.  He collects magazines, but I can’t figure out which ones he will save and which ones he will rip up.

He loves street signs and bubble wrap and popsicle sticks.  He loves McDonalds and fruit and frozen pizza.  I’m sure you are beginning to see my dilemma.  The funny thing is, he loves to open presents.  He used to open one and be done, but now, he rips through them and enjoys it.  So I want him to have things he enjoys in those packages.

Maybe he just likes the surprise of opening the gifts.  I remember one birthday, he shared he wanted Ryan and Kelsey and Kenzie to come over.  Among the gifts were a jar of pickles and a huge pile of crayons and cardboard.  He was the happiest little guy in the world that night.  Ryan’s parents told me they tried to talk Ryan out of buying pickles for Rob, but he giggled when he opened that gift because he was so excited.

One Christmas, he got a Cat in the Hat hat and Hulk hands and insisted on wearing both the rest of the day.  That’s the excitement I want to bring to both of them on Christmas.  Something that will bring smiles and giggles and that they don’t want to put down.

That’s why, a long time ago, I decided that what they liked was what they were going to get, whether it was “age-appropriate” or not.  If Casey wants Sesame Street, she’s going to get Sesame Street.  If Rob wants a toddler train set, that’s exactly what he is going to get.  I’m tired of people saying they don’t think it’s right for adults to play with toys.

I’ve heard parents say they don’t want to feed their child’s obsession with toys.  What about the parent’s hobbies?  How many of them collect things?  Or have a hobby they obsess over?  Golf, TV shows, books.  They enjoy those hobbies, so why can’t our kids just enjoy their hobbies?  Why do people insist on calling their likes “obsessions” and want to change it?  A diagnosis of autism doesn’t change the fact they are a person with their own personality.

Rob got a stop sign and a railroad sign for his birthday.  He was happy to hang them in his room.  His helmet from Halloween has been added to his Wizard of Oz collection.  He may get some odd things for gifts, but he is happy and isn’t that what we want for our kids?

When you shop for gifts for your children, stop worrying about what other people think.  When you buy gifts for “typical” people in your life, you buy what they would enjoy, even if you don’t care for it.  Why can’t buying gifts for your kids be just like that?  If your child loves baby rattles, who is it hurting to give them rattles?  The only thing you should worry about is how hard your child will laugh as they open their gifts.

Sometimes, people with autism don’t care about getting gifts at all and that’s ok.  Buy a few things for them, just in case this is the year they want to join in, but don’t stress over it.  Christmas is a time for peace and joy, not trying to force someone to enjoy an activity.  I know all about the guilt of trying to spend the same amount on each child.   I do, but Rob and Casey’s gifts might seem odd to others.  Again, I don’t care.  I want to see joy on their faces whether it’s a box of paperclips for Rob, the newest Sesame Street toy for Casey, a craft item for Mandy or a car part for Cory.

I don’t know what it is about Christmas and other special days that causes autism parents to stress over things we don’t think about it all any other time of the year.  Maybe it’s that daydream of the perfect holiday and we want everyone to enjoy it like we see in movies.  Perfect holidays are different in every house.  Every family has their own version of happy days.

So, this year, buy the box of paper clips or socks or baby doll or race car your loved one would enjoy and don’t worry about what others think.  Buy (or don’t buy) and let the stress of the perfect Merry Christmas go.  Perfect and normal isn’t nearly as much fun as watching someone’s eyes light up and hearing their giggles as they open their gifts.

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Autism and the “Can’t be Found” Christmas Spirit

Autism and the Can't be Found Christmas Spirit

Last week was not a good one for me.  Several weeks ago, my beloved chocolate lab was diagnosed with lymphoma.  On Monday, I had to say good-bye to Eve.  Many think dogs are just pets, but for me, Eve was the one who helped me through some very dark days and was my strength through tough times with autism.

Casey and Rob didn’t say much about Eve being gone.  After all, she was in Heaven with Bingo and Molly – why should they be sad?  She was happy and pain-free.  So I did my best to hide my tears from them and pretend that I was ok, when inside, all I could do was think about her and how many times she had cuddled me when the world was just too hard.

I love Christmas and all that goes with it.  It is tradition in our house to start decorating for Christmas the day after Thanksgiving.  Since I’ve worked in a school for many years, I usually had a five day break and plenty of time to get started.  I had told Casey that we would put her tree up in her room on that day.

Of course, with her never-forget mind, she reminded me about the tree.  I was tired and really not in the Christmas spirit at all.  I told her she needed to put all of her laundry away before we could put up the tree, thinking she would never actually do it.  She ran to her room and came back giggling about her tree.  I didn’t believe she had cleaned her room, but it was done and her eyes were twinkling with excitement about having a “big” tree in her room.

So, still feeling no Christmas spirit at all, I told her she had to help carry the tree upstairs.  She always says no when I ask her to do something – usually as she is going to do it – but today, as I’m thinking about hitting the chair and curling up with a blanket, she runs to the basement and waits for me to show her which boxes.

It didn’t take long to get the tree set up and she wanted to do everything herself.  I sat on her bed and untangled ornaments for her.  She sang and danced back and forth as she carefully placed ornaments in just the right spot.  Soon, she had me giggling, too, as it was impossible not to laugh at her excitement.

She picked up an ornament she had made in church and talked about Jesus’s birthday and having a cake on Christmas Day.  (She always mentioned everyone in Heaven that would be at Jesus’s real birthday party!)  She laughed when she said “Eve party hat?”  I laughed, too, because Eve never liked things on her head.

In just the few minutes it took her to decorate the tree, she had helped me find my Christmas spirit.  I thought about how Eve loved tearing up wrapping paper every Christmas morning.  She always had presents, too, but she loved waiting for the big pile of paper to dive into.

I sat and watched Casey as she leaned close to the tree and backed away giggling.  I wondered what she saw that made her giggle so much.  I knew she was looking at herself in a blue bulb, so maybe she thought she looked like Cookie Monster.  And I thought about the myth that people with autism don’t feel emotions.

It’s true that we only put up her tree because it was what we were supposed to do on the day after Thanksgiving, but in that half hour, she reminded me that Christmas is a time to feel blessed.  She didn’t have to say many words – she just had to be herself and let her own Christmas spirit shine out.

I feel sorry for the people who don’t really look at our kids – the ones that dismiss them because they have autism.  Too many people believe our kids have no emotions, no dreams, no way to communicate and it’s such a loss for them.  I know how difficult it is sometimes to see beyond meltdowns or sensory issues, but I bet you can see a sparkle in their eyes when they are teasing you.

So, I’m urging each of you to let your child (no matter how old they are!) to lead you to your Christmas spirit when the holiday season becomes too stressful with shopping, finances, extra social activities and everything else we need to do this time of year.  Let them lead you to peace, joy and happiness.

Maybe we should all try to follow their lead.  For the most part, our kids want simple lives – and wouldn’t we be happier if we simplified our lives?

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Autism and Being Thankful for Little Things

Autism and Being Thankful

Thanksgiving is only a few days away and for the last two weeks, Casey has been patiently reciting everything she wants to eat that day – turkey, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce – and on and on.  When you ask what she is thankful for, she is as likely to say Elmo as family or friends.  And that’s ok.  Sometimes, the things I’m thankful for may not make sense to anyone else, either.

For several years, I was thankful for unlimited texting and minutes on my cell phone.  Mandy and Cory were in Texas and we missed them so much.  It helped Casey and Rob to hear their voices.  Skype was another thing to be thankful for – the pictures of Casey and Rob smiling when they saw Mandy are priceless to me.  The absolute love they have for Cory and Mandy disproves the whole “people with autism don’t feel emotions” stuff.

I am thankful for camp weekends.  I just picked the kids up from Echoing Hills.  They had another great weekend there and enjoyed going to the local Lions Club Minstrel Show (who would have ever imagined Rob would like that?).  When they saw me, they smiled their beautiful smiles and leaned for hugs.  I got tears in my eyes when I saw a volunteer from the camp to go the car and say goodbye to the kids and ask for hugs.  The volunteers and camp employees are blessings to our family – I just hope that they know how much we love them!

I am thankful that, despite terrible meltdowns and way too much head-banging, Casey never got hurt.  She put her head through two glass windows  and never got a scratch.  I am thankful that my “no fears” son never did any permanent damage, despite stitches, broken bones and a helicopter flight to the children’s hospital.  I am also thankful for hair coloring – I am not ready for all those gray hairs to show!

I am thankful for the friends and family who support me and the kids.  Some, I haven’t seen for years and some I’ve never met.  But, thanks to the internet and Facebook, I’ve met people who know exactly what I mean and understand without judging.  I know many families who pull apart when a person has special needs – my family is close and I lean on all of them (and that includes the ones who live far away!)

I am thankful that Mandy doesn’t resent her sister and brother.  Growing up between two siblings with autism wasn’t easy for her, but she is still their biggest defender and one they run to when they need something.

I’m thankful for a best friend who lets me vent, cry on her shoulder or threatens to kick my butt when I need it.  Casey and Rob love spending time with Tracie – and ask for her when mom says no!

I’m thankful for a job and co-workers that support us.  When there is a problem with the kids, I’m able to go deal with it without repercussions at work.  My co-workers know that sometimes, I just need a hug and they are always willing to do that for me.

I am thankful for the day hab where the kids spend their days.  They enjoy being there and have made friends.  I am also thankful for the staff that doesn’t show their frustration with Rob or Casey when they are having a bad time.  (Rob’s obsession with paper clips is also causing my gray hair!)

I am also thankful for Sesame Street, ipads, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, wind pants and muscle shirts, heavy blankets, head phones, Wizard of Oz, Willy Wonka, legos, color by numbers, cardboard, bubble wrap, slippers, wonderful doctors, coloring books, crayons, clay, socks, ice cold coke, snickers bars, dark chocolate and cheese crackers.  Without these, our days would be very long!

Sometimes, life with autism makes it really hard to find anything to be thankful for.  Between sensory issues, meltdowns, therapies, doctors, school, work and home, sometimes, getting through the day is all you can think of.  Been there, done that.  Sometimes, downing a coke is all that kept me going.  I know it isn’t good for me, but I figure it’s better than other options.

Maybe you can be thankful your child didn’t get hurt during their latest meltdown.  Be grateful for the silence when they finally wear themselves out.  Be thankful that they are willing to eat something – even if it is the same things day after day.  When you are exhausted, look for the smallest things to give you hope and strength to go on.  Be thankful that no matter what, your child loves you more than anything – even if they can’t say the words.  Look in their eyes – you will see it.

One last thing I am very thankful for – for the opportunity to share our lives with each of you.  My greatest hope is that readers can find laughs and hope in our journey- to know that they are not alone and that life does get better.  Only through sharing awareness can we get the acceptance our kids desperately need.