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Autism and the Art of Letting Go

Autism and the Art of Letting Go

When you have a child with autism, fear is never far from your mind. Fear for their safety. Fear they will need something and not be able to communicate that need. Fear they will be teased. Fear they will be lonely. The list goes on and on. But, despite the fears, you have to let them go. You have to let them try new things, go new places, meet new people. Will it always be a good experience? Probably not… but you have to let go.

One of the pages I follow just had a post from a mom who is upset that her son’s teacher wants to transition him to another class. She is actually pretty mad about it. She thinks her son is not ready and is not telling everyone how much he is regressing, despite glowing reports from his therapists and aide. She asked for help in forcing the school to do what she wants.

The thing is, I completely understand her fear. It’s terrifying to let your child be near new people that you don’t know. It’s scary to change a routine that he/she depends on. And really, as autism parents, we learn to live in that routine and we don’t want to change it, either. It’s what we know. But, your child deserves the chance to try. By holding your child in the same place, it may be easier on you, but it also keeps your child from growing. It’s not fair to your child.

I’m sure this mom sees behaviors at home that the school doesn’t see. I’m also sure that her son shows more skills at school than he does at home. Every child does. I’m constantly hearing about things that Casey and Rob will do for others, but when I ask, they look at me like I’m speaking in German. Let’s face it – kids always act worse for parents because they know no matter what, we’ll love them forever. When I was teaching, so many parents would say they had no idea their child could do something because they refused to do it at home. It happens.

But, if your child’s teacher and therapists are seeing amazing progress, it’s time to let go a little. No good teacher will move a child before he/she is ready. Ask for a meeting with the teacher and therapists and listen to their plan. You may not like it, but you can ask questions and share your concerns. Go meet the new teacher. If it’s a new school, tour the entire school and take your child to visit.

The change in routine may not be easy and you need to understand there may be a few rough weeks or months, but ultimately, pushing your child to stretch and learn is what you need to do. You know how you feel when you try something new and really like it? Your child deserves the chance to find what they like, too. They need pushed to keep learning and growing.

Try not to let your child see your fears. Make the change sound like fun and, if you have to, pretend you are excited about it. Do what you need to do to alleviate your anxiety. If the teacher is a good one, he/she will completely understand your anxiety and will do everything they can to help you. Visit the class and see the children who will become your child’s friends. See how the teacher runs the class – you’ll be able to offer her/him ideas on how your child will fit in the best. You can share your child’s strengths and your fears.

With autism, change is rarely easy. Life is unpredictable and it won’t hurt your child to learn that. The good thing with letting go is that you can prepare your child (and yourself!) for changes and grow together. It’s scary. But letting your child try is the best thing you can do for him/her. Remember – always reach for the stars. You won’t get there if you keep your child in one spot forever.

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Autism, Big Steps, Little Steps and a Happy New Year

Autism, Big Steps, Little Steps and Happy New Year

Happy New Year! I realize I’m about a week late wishing that for all of you, but the last several weeks, have been busy and fun and full of family time. While I love sharing our lives with you, sometimes, it just doesn’t seem to happen.

We had so many huge steps forward for both Casey and Rob over the last month. December is a happy month, but for Casey, it also tends to be very stressful as she has a list in her head of what needs to happen for it to be a perfect Christmas and until those things are checked off, she is very serious. This year, though! It was truly amazing! She still had things she wanted to do, but she wasn’t worried about getting everything done. She laughed and enjoyed her way through the month!

She seemed to finally realize that I would make sure everything (well, most everything! 🙂 ) she wanted to do would happen. She didn’t worry about going to light shows. She didn’t repeatedly ask about opening presents – or going to grandma’s for lunch – or Santa coming. Maybe, in some strange way, the pandemic has helped relax her need to control everything. She has finally learned (by way of COVID) that she simply can’t control everything.

We even changed our usual routine of going to my parent’s house for supper on Christmas Day. They came to our house instead and we had supper at their house the day after with my brother and his family. And when she was opening her presents, she was smiling! She giggled at the new Big Bird, she studied the new color by number books, she carefully pulled tags off of new clothes. Usually, she flies through her presents – she has a need to see what she has gotten. This year, she took her time. The pictures of her smiling as she looked at her new things mean so much to me. I truly don’t know when she last smiled in a picture on Christmas morning.

This was also the first year that Rob wrote a letter to Santa! And, on Christmas Eve, he was the one who almost caught Santa. He was asleep and then stumbled from his room. He asked me for Santa and I told him he needed to be asleep. He flopped back on his bed, sound asleep again. I have had my doubts that Rob really believes in Santa, but after that, maybe he does. He was excited to open presents, too, and was thrilled to get an entire set of the power rangers he asked for, plus his signs and Legos. And, plenty of stuff to rip/cut up.

They both went to a movie, again. Rob ate snickerdoodles! They both played Charades with us. Rob is learning (some days with a lot of prompting!) to use a quieter voice when he is sensory seeking. Casey is carefully painting her crafts and not just throwing paint on to say it’s done. Rob was in a store with Mandy and told her “It’s time to eat!” A complete, non-prompted sentence! He is singing songs and chose to wear a brand new shirt! They are both handling changes in their schedules with no reaction.


Last year was a tough year for a lot of reasons. Sometimes, in the midst of sadness, it’s harder to see the little steps forward that our kids make. It’s easier to get swept up in all the negativity and the list of what they aren’t able to do, yet. Notice – I said “yet.” Not today doesn’t mean not ever. Always, always dream for your kids and help them reach for the stars. It’s hard and it’s exhausting, but you will never regret it.

Our wish for all of you is a year full of big and little steps. Celebrate them all! Share them with the world. Your steps forward might be just the encouragement another person needs to keep fighting for their dreams! Have a happy and safe 2022!

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Autism, Holidays and Growing a Thick Skin

Autism, Holidays and Growing a Thick Skin

At our last autism support group meeting, one topic that came up was how to deal with the comments – the stares – the outright rudeness of some people when our children with autism might act “different” than others while out in public. Or even at family/friend functions. How do you handle the questions, the comments. How do you not feel like crying when someone is mean to your child?

It really is one of the hardest parts of autism to handle. Just being a parent makes you want to protect your children from mean people. Add in the autism (cause, you know, someone different either brings out the best or the worst in people) and it can be so tough. And, unfortunately, it seems the mean people always find you on days where you are already stressed and near tears. The holiday season just adds more stress and more opportunities for those “helpful” people to make you want to cry and never leave home again.

Don’t let them do that to you! Your family has just as much right to be at every activity as everyone else. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, you will get mad. Yes, you will cry. And yes – you will eventually develop a thick skin and will learn to let those comments roll off your skin. You will also learn to give a death stare to people. Most people will look away quickly once they realize you overheard their nastiness and don’t care. Besides, you can always hope karma gets them later. (yeah, maybe not the nicest thing to think, but…. it’s better than smacking them yourself!)

So back to our meeting. I felt so bad for one young mom. She has a little guy (that’s his picture with the blog) and took him to a Christmas activity. It was crowded and overwhelming. This poor mom heard the comments about her sweet little boy. Instead of helping her – or encouraging her for being brave enough to try – people weren’t kind. She took her son and went home ready to cry. Her comment was she thought she would just stay home from now on. Been there, felt that so often. I’ve cried leaving places. I’ve cried once I got us all safely home and could hide from the kids. I’ve ranted to myself. It took years, but I have that tough skin.

It’s rare now that someone’s comments get to me. It does still happen, though. Not as bad as it used to – and usually, if a comment hurts me, it comes from someone that I never expect to make such a comment. It takes longer to develop that thick skin around family and friends, but your first priority is always your child. Some families take a little longer to learn how amazing your child is.

Another mom and I shared that we knew how these young moms felt. We understood how hard it is to let the world see your child and not know if the world will love and accept him/her or will be cruel. We also know it’s important for your child to be able to explore the world. You will never know what your child might like if you don’t try. It may take several tries before you know for sure. It might mean you try and then wait a long time to try again. Only you will know, but – don’t let the rude idiots of the world scare you into staying home.

I’ve lost my temper with a few people who made comments about Casey and Rob. I’ve (not my finest moment) yelled at people in stores. I’ve stopped moms and embarrassed them by telling them what little jerks their children were to mine. I’ve developed a death glare for those that I catch staring. I’ve ignored some people. I’ve replied to some comments by saying “Thank you for showing me there are worse things in the world than autism. My child could be rude and mean like you.”

Remember, I’ve been doing this for more than 30 years. It takes a long time to learn to ignore what other people say and think. You will get there, though. Keep trying new things. Meet new people. Learn to glare. Learn to stand up to bullies. Remember that no one’s opinion really matters. You can do this. I’m sure of it.

If all else fails, ask a veteran autism parent to go places with you. You can learn from the best. 🙂

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Autism and Making New Christmas Traditions

Autism and Making New Christmas Traditions

So many wonderful Christmas traditions involve large, loud gatherings or crowds at stores. When you have someone with autism, those are definitely not places you want to be (well, you want to be there, but it’s not always possible!). Sensory meltdowns are real and can ruin a day quicker than almost anything.

We never had huge holiday parties. My family is small and everyone understood if Rob or Casey needed to run upstairs to my or my brother’s old bedrooms for some quiet. So telling people we weren’t coming to their party wasn’t an issue when Casey and Rob were little. It’s actually more of a problem now. People just don’t seem to understand that just because they are adults, the autism didn’t go away. They still have the same needs – they are just more capable of handling sensory needs now. But – that took us years of practice, years of finding what they needed, and years of hiding from the world.

We started our own traditions. I absolutely love holidays and birthdays and always want them to be special. I had to figure out how to give each of the kids a special time – within their abilities. It wasn’t always easy, but I think I managed to do it. Now, Casey and Rob are both more willing to try new places (especially if Mandy and Cory are with us!) but we still need to be aware that crowds will get to Rob quickly. And that noises (like fire trucks in a parade) are painful to both of them. She is okay, usually, with temperatures, but he gets hot easily.

A crowded mall to see Santa is not an option for us. Luckily, Casey got to see him in the parade and – this completely amazed her – when we went to a local light show, Santa was sitting in a sleigh at the end. And – he knew her name! He waved and said, “Hi Casey! Hi Rob!” She couldn’t stop smiling and giggled the rest of the evening because he knew her and he said hi! (I’m fairly certain Rob knew why Santa knew her name, but he didn’t ruin it for her!)

Casey is like me and loves all things holiday. (as a side note, I have to mark out all of the holidays that calendars have printed in them because she wants to celebrate them all!) She has been wearing Christmas shirts since the day after Thanksgiving and is dropping hints that she doesn’t have enough of them. Her calendar is full of Christmas things to do – bake cookies, see a movie, several light shows, go shopping. The list in her head is long and she wants it all to happen. Luckily, none of it is impossible and Rob is willing to do most of it, too. (He likes making ornaments, but he’s a one and done kinda guy!)

Look near you for drive thru light displays. There are so many near us that we rotate each year. And – they aren’t expensive – even better! Plus, the drive thru ones let your child feel safe while the rest of you can enjoy the displays. Check local zoos for sensory days. The zoo we went to last week has a huge light display and several days throughout the season are designated as sensory friendly. The music is turned down and all flashing strobe lights are turned off. Most places do something similar.

Many malls offer a sensory friendly Santa visit, too. If your mall doesn’t, ask if you can schedule a time for your child to meet Santa outside of his usual spot where the crowd may be thinner and there will be less noise. Again, most places are happy to accommodate your child’s needs – but you have to ask.

If you are invited to a party and want to take your child, just explain your needs to the hostess/host. Again, most people are happy to help – they just don’t know what you need until you ask for it. And if someone doesn’t want your child there, do you really want to be there? I sure don’t. We are a package deal. 🙂 (not that there aren’t times you need to go places alone to get a breather – I mean, do you want to be around someone who doesn’t accept your child?)

Or better yet – start your own party traditions. You can keep it small or invite the whole town. Rob and Casey never minded how many people were here because their rooms were off limits to guests – they always had their safe place to go to. (Again – your child may be different. I can think of three or four young adults I know that would hate having their home invaded by guests!)

My point is – your Christmas doesn’t have to look like mine or your neighbor’s or the rest of your family to be an absolutely amazing, magical time. People seem to spend too much time comparing their lives to others and feeling bad when they aren’t “keeping up.” But – did you ever think that other people may feel they aren’t keeping up with you? Yes, your life with autism may be a lot different, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t an awesome life. You don’t know what others are thinking – be proud of your family’s uniqueness! Flaunt it. Wake up the world!

Find the Christmas traditions that work for you. Big, little or no party. Shopping online or in stores. Visit holiday events or watch them on TV. Our lives are special and any tradition you decide will be special, too, because it’s completely right for your family. As so many other people are running around like crazy trying to do everything and find the perfect gifts, you will be home quietly watching a Christmas movie in your PJ’s and drinking hot chocolate. Autism doesn’t ruin holidays – it can make them even more special.

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Autism and the Wild and Wonderful Holiday Season

Autism and the Wild and Wonderful Holiday Season

The holiday season is full of so many fun and amazing events, but for those of us with a special needs family member, it might not be the kind of excitement you think of. It can be a painful, stressful and scary time for those with sensory needs or the need to keep a set routine. Even school schedules change during this month! And, as we all know, if autism makes life difficult for one, it affects every one in the family.

The holiday season is the time to relax your standards and focus on having fun with your child – whatever that fun might be. Whether you are able to visit Christmas light displays or special holiday events at your local library is something only you will know. I would also encourage you to try new things, but to be okay if it doesn’t work out. Stop in a party for 5 minutes. Go to a candle lighting. Go to a parade. The thing is – you never know when your child will surprise you with a new skill or ability to go somewhere.

If you know your child can’t handle the change in routine or the noise of going somewhere, plan special things at home. Make a mess making cookies or have a family movie night. All of my kids used to love bringing sleeping bags and pillows into the living room and watching a movie together. Each of them got to request a special snack for the movie and they slept in the living room together when the movie was over.

Try to create a special ornament. If you aren’t crafty, or your child has fine motor troubles, look for a craft kit that has everything you need. There are so many options of ones that are foams pieces that are stickers. All you have to do is peel the back and let your child create special gifts for everyone. These are pretty reasonably priced, too! Or you can mix up salt dough and let your child squeeze and mold whatever they like. Both of these activities offer occupational therapy benefits, too!

Make a paper chain to help your child understand how long it will be before Santa comes. Or how long he/she will be out of school. Again, let your child help! I know it’s easier to do it yourself, but your child needs to try – and needs you to encourage him/her that they can do anything they want. Some stores sell paper strips that have a sticky spot on one end to make the loops.

The whole point is to make your holiday a happy one – one that is perfect for your family. It may not look like the “picture perfect” one that Hallmark promotes, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be amazing. Instead of thinking about all you might be missing, think of what you may be missing that you didn’t want to do anyway. Business party? sorry – no one to stay with my child with autism. Extended family party (you know – the ones where you only see these people at Christmas) – sorry, it’s too loud for my little one. (And – you also get to avoid those family members who want to tell you everything you are doing wrong for your child!)

While a lot of what I’m sharing here is things to do at home, I really do encourage you to take your child new places. Trust me – I know the stares you may get are hard to handle, but really – what does it matter what those people think? I’m sure every single person who makes a negative comment about your child has something about them that you could comment on. It takes a while, but after so many years, I honestly couldn’t care less about what people are thinking or saying. It’s their problem, not mine. And if I’m trying to help Casey or Rob, I don’t let anyone distract me from that.

If you are new to the autism journey, you may feel that you will never be able to handle the stares or comments, but you will. You’ll develop a thick skin and a look that could kill a snack. Go out and enjoy everything the holiday season has to offer you and your child. Plan for short trips and stay as long as you are all happy and comfortable! You can do it and your child will learn and adapt. Sometimes, it takes years, sometimes, you will be surprised. Don’t let autism rob you of a wonderful Christmas season!

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Autism and a Rough Week

Autism and a Rough Week

I am still a firm believer that whoever decided we need to change the clocks twice a year need to live with a person with autism for a week after their decision and see just how much it messes up lives. It’s been a rough week here (and I’ve heard from other moms that their weeks haven’t been very good, either). I wish I could completely blame our week on the time change, but unfortunately, I think it’s more that I missed signs that Rob and Casey needed help.

I mentioned last week about Casey’s behaviors being out of control a few evenings and that she is just on edge. She is doing better, but is still fixating on things. She wants laundry done every day. She wants her PJs in the bathroom as soon as she gets up in the mornings. She is getting up in the middle of the night to put the clothes she is planning on wearing in the bathroom. It’s been getting worse and I just missed it.

Rob has been slowly changing. He’s a louder at home and needs his verbal stims to calm his anxiety. Unfortunately for the rest of us, he needs to yell some of his phrases at certain points. He’s anxious and obsessed about getting things to cut and rip up which caused issues at his day hab. He wants tight hugs – and to be left alone. And it all happened so slowly, I missed it.

I’ll admit – I’ve been too focused on my own grief and the pain in my foot. I just missed the signs that Casey and Rob needed help, especially Rob. Yes, he got louder, but it didn’t seem to be too bad. Casey is more obvious when she needs help – Rob withdraws. And I didn’t see it.

After the issues at his day hab, I realized that he has been struggling for weeks, too. He may not be able to voice his grief and anxiety about losing the baby, but he feels it – and he definitely knows that I’ve been crying. Everyone around him has been upset for over a month. He is so sensitive to what people around him are feeling – I was just dumb for not realizing he was feeling it, too. It breaks my heart that I didn’t realize it. If it hadn’t been for autism, he would have been able to share his feelings. And some days, autism just sucks.

At their last doctor visit, we made the decision to reduce meds for each of them. It was the right decision at the time and they were doing well. We lost Raylan less than two weeks later. I should have immediately bumped their meds back up, but honestly, I just didn’t think of it. I didn’t think of much of anything that week but just getting through. I couldn’t see Mandy and Cory (no visitors at the hospital) and they were all I could think about.

A few days ago, I put them back on their full doses of meds. Casey said she was okay with her little pill, but I can see she isn’t. While I know it takes a while for Rob’s to build back up (and his reduction was much larger than hers!) he seems more like himself already. He is sleeping better and that will help if nothing else. He even happily put on a new shirt (a hoodie – I haven’t seen him in a hoodie since he was a little guy!) and smiled for our family pictures yesterday. He even seemed to enjoy it.

I’m sure we still have some rough times coming, but I do think this is the best for both of them right now. I can try to reduce their meds again in January or February, when life settles down a little and our loss is a little less painful. Trying new doses or medications is never a favorite or easy thing to do. It’s so hard to know if any changes that are seen are from the medication or just life itself. It’s always a guessing game – a gamble. But one that is necessary in our lives.

I know many people are completely against giving their child medicine for behaviors or anxiety. I understand that, but – would you withhold medication for a heart problem or diabetes? It’s the same thing – their body needs help and as their parent, you need to understand that your child on medication is not an issue of bad parenting, but rather a body that needs help. I am in no way saying medication is always the best choice, but if you have exhausted every other option, don’t refuse to consider it.

Casey and Rob are both happier when their meds are working. They both know their pills help them and will just stare at me if their pills aren’t ready for them at the expected times. They may not be able to verbally tell me, but their actions let me know. And that’s all I need.

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Autism and Awesome Surprises

Autism and Awesome Surprises

This has been an up and down week. I ended up in a boot for an injury from a few months ago, Casey had a really rough evening a few nights ago, today was supposed to be the baby shower and the time change. Despite all of that, I just had something happen that proves again that autism can always surprise you in good ways!

Rob has had a few loud days this week, but nothing that would make me want to increase his meds back to what they were. But, my little guy has shown his sense of humor, his wonderful singing voice and an even better surprise this week, too!

One day when I went to pick them up, a staff person came out with them, so I knew something had happened. It turns out Rob had taken a deck of cards and wouldn’t give them back to staff. I looked at him, said “give me the cards” and he opened his lunch box and handed them to me. I was surprised he handed them over so quickly, but didn’t really think much about it beyond maybe he was growing up a little.

Until we got home and he rushed to his room – to pout, I assumed. When I noticed he hadn’t even stopped to get his pills and snack, I peeked in his room to see him dump out another (bigger!) deck of cards! The little turkey happily gave me the smaller set and kept the larger one for himself. While I did take them away and told him he had to take them back the next morning, I had to giggle to myself that he thought things through so quickly that he kept the larger one for himself and handed over the smaller deck. That’s a lot to think through – especially when I was waiting for him to hand the cards over in the parking lot. 🙂

As we were coming home one evening, Alabama’s “Dancing, Shagging on the Boulevard” was on the radio and Casey and Rob were both dancing in the car. When we got home, I heard Rob singing “Dancing, shaking that big ole barn!” 🙂 He rarely sings when I can hear him and I wish he would do it more – he has a beautiful singing voice – just like Casey does! 🙂

But, really, the coolest thing of all just happened a little while ago. Every year, I struggle to think of what he might like for Christmas. He will only say he wants “presents” with no comments beyond that. So, I guess what might make him happy and hope for the best. Today, though – today! He wrote a letter to Santa! The first one he’s ever written! I’m so excited and happy. It took 29 years – but it did happen!

And this proves what I’ve been saying for years – you never know when something will click and your child will have a new skill! It’s hard to be patient. It’s hard to keep going over and over and over the same things every day and not be exhausted. It’s hard not to be impatient and discouraged. I get it. I struggle with that every day, too, but it’s days like today that remind me all of that hard work is worth it. Honestly, Rob didn’t see the big deal in writing his letter – he looked at me like I had lost my mind. (And yeah – he might be close to the truth there! 🙂 )

And now, something else. Casey is struggling. Today was supposed to be Raylan’s baby shower and she’s having a hard time with not being an auntie today or having the shower. She had a major meltdown a few nights ago and is close to one again. She is laying on the couch listening to Christmas music as she tries not to cry. Rob just came in and sat down close to her and said, “It’s alright, Casey. It’s okay, Casey.” I could cry – usually when she’s upset, he laughs at her and says something like “no fits, Casey!” just to make her even angrier.

So please – keep dreaming for your child. Keep fighting for what they need. Keep your faith that one day, they will gain the skills that you are working on so hard right now. You never know when your surprise will come!

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Autism and Self Care

Autism and Self – Care

Those of you who read last week’s post know what the last month or so has been like for our family. And in the middle of our grief, self-care has become even more important – and the first thing that I stop doing.

When you have a child with special needs, that child (or children!) can become the only thing you think about. Your life revolves around what you want for that child and, sometimes, even your other children suffer for that. While I don’t think I ever focused so much on Casey and Rob that Mandy suffered, I know there were times that she didn’t get the attention she deserved. I know even more that I didn’t focus on myself enough at times and I burned out. Luckily, my family stepped in to take over for a few hours and let me regroup and recharge.

The thing is, self-care looks different for everyone. For some people, being with a lot of people helps. For others, large groups are too tiring (that’s me!). You will need to find your own way to take care of yourself.

I’m struggling to make decisions and I know it’s because of my grief. I know I need to make choices soon and my head is too fuzzy to think which choice would be best for us. The gray, rainy days are definitely not helping me, either. I need to start looking for a new job, soon, but the thought of trying to make arrangements for Casey and Rob every day again is just too much for me to deal with right now. I can’t even think what I should do. So, I’m going to take a deep breath and focus just on the next hour. Write this, take a shower, make lunch.

And then I’ll figure out what to do next. I have a list of things that need done around the house, but I’m going to focus on me and what I need right now. I know it sounds selfish, but I also know it’s what is best for me – and that means for Casey and Rob, too. I can’t be the mom they need if I’m falling apart – so me, first.

Self-care for me today might be finishing a puzzle I’ve been working on. Maybe taking a nap. Or making a Christmas wreath. Maybe I’ll finally start the book that has been sitting here for weeks. Maybe I’ll put a Christmas tree up and enjoy the bright colors. Or maybe I’ll call Tracie and talk for a few hours. All of these sound good to me right now. The best thing is, I don’t have to decide right now. My motto lately has been if I don’t need a decision this second, it can wait. I don’t care about most things right now – only my family.

For you, self care can be anything that makes you feel calm and happy. Exercising is a good one (I enjoy that – it’s great for stress relief, too!). Sleep is another. Maybe it’s a hobby you haven’t made time to enjoy in a while. Maybe it’s finding someone to watch your child while you soak in a hot bath or enjoy some online shopping. You know what makes you happy. The problem is – you let everyone else be more important than you.

And that’s going to cause problems. I guarantee you will crash at some point. I don’t know how or when, but you will. It won’t be pretty – and it can be avoided if you take care of yourself now! Before it’s too late. Please, let someone else handle things for a few minutes and do something you love. It’s not just important for you – it’s desperately important for your child, too. Like I always share – you can’t be what your child needs if you burnout.

It’s a hard lesson to learn and one I still struggle with at times. It’s hard to be selfish about doing what you love when so many other things are pulling at you. But, in this case, being selfish is what you need to be. It won’t matter tomorrow if the house is dusty or the dishes still need washed. It will matter if you are crying in bed and unable to get up because you are just done.

Focus on you – just for a little while. I promise you – life will be easier if you do.

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Autism and Grief

Autism and Grief

A few weeks ago, I got a call that no parent or grandparent wants to get. The baby that we had been dreaming for and talking about for six months had passed away. Rob hadn’t fully gotten the idea that a baby was coming at Christmas, while Casey was very much looking forward to being an “auntie” and to the baby shower that was planned. I am still struggling at times to believe that my grandson is truly gone.

The first few days after the call were the worst. Rob was scared that Mandy and Cory were in heaven, too, while Casey couldn’t understand why I was crying when Heaven is such a happy place to be in. She also thought that only old people went to Heaven – she never knew that a baby could go, too. The more I cried, the more upset they became, so I struggled to hide my tears from them – to be strong and make sure they understood that Mandy and Cory were okay and that they were safe.

Rob asked if I was sick. Casey wanted to know if she could be an auntie another day. Rob wanted to see Mandy and Cory. Casey wanted to talk about the baby in the only way she could – by telling me everyone else who is Heaven. I listened and assured both of them that I was okay, just sad – that everyone was just very sad and that it was okay for us to cry.

For people with autism, it can be very hard to understand emotions – especially strong ones like grief. They may react in ways that most people believe are inappropriate, such as giggling or smiling. Casey will do this at times when someone is sad or mad. She gets nervous and laughs. If this happens to someone you know, it’s best to not react to it. They can’t help being nervous and if you call attention to it, the nervousness will only get worse.

If you have to tell someone with autism about a person passing away, be sure you know what you believe before you tell them. Our family believes in God and Heaven and I share that with Casey and Rob all the time. They don’t understand why no one who goes to Heaven comes back – they believe it’s a real place, like to visit on vacation. When I had to tell them the baby was gone, I told them he went to Heaven and that I was sad because I missed him.

Please don’t use phrases to avoid saying someone had died. Never say a person “went to sleep” and isn’t coming back. You are just asking for trouble – your child may never sleep because of the fear they will go away and not come back. And don’t avoid telling your child someone has passed away. Your child will notice the absence and may start to believe they were bad, so the other person has decided not to visit them. It seems silly to us, but to someone with communication issues, it may seem perfectly reasonable.

Have an honest talk with your child, even if the discussion is just you talking. Your child understands more than you know. It won’t be an easy talk to have. Let yourself cry if you need to. It’s okay for your child to see you upset. Be ready for some anxiety on their part. Maybe questions. Maybe tears. Remember that grief hits people differently and whatever reaction they have is okay. Remember to take care of yourself, too, and allow yourself to grieve.

Hug your family tighter. Tell everyone you care about that you love them.

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Autism and Fun at the Fair

Autism and Fun at the Fair

Finally! The day Casey has been waiting for for two years! They got to go to our county fair Friday and ride till they dropped. She was so upset last year when the fair was canceled and has been asking about this year since last fall. Even Thursday evening, she wanted to be sure it was still happening.

We usually go on Sunday morning and beat the crowd, but with the rain predicted today, I surprised them and we went Friday. It was the perfect day – not many people and a beautiful day to be outside. We had a few minor bumps (the rides didn’t open when I was told they would so we had to kill an hour wandering around – Rob’s least favorite thing to do!)

He has two reasons to go to the fair. Ride until I say we have to leave and to get some French fries. He doesn’t care about other “fair” food (he will eat some of it, but he doesn’t go to the fair for anything but to ride!) He couldn’t tell me, but I know he was disappointed that neither of his two favorite rides were there. He hates heights, so that eliminated two other rides (though I can’t figure out why it’s okay to be high if you are being spun like a top!) so really there are only four rides that he enjoys. That’s okay – he got spun until I thought I would get sick.

Yep – I spent my time safely on the ground, trying to remember if I ever really liked rides. I don’t mind some of them, but I hate heights and spinning makes me sick. But – as I watched them, I couldn’t help but think of the way it used to be taking them to the fair. Casey never darted away at the fair, but because she did so often in other places, I was scared to death she would there, too. Rob darted away. He hated crowds and noise, but he loved the rides and he was fast – so, so fast.

It’s crazy. I don’t know why I did this, but when they were little, we spent hours there. So many hours…. and why? Part of it was Mandy, of course. She liked more about the fair than just the rides. And, for the most part, Casey and Rob would take breaks from rides to walk around a while. Rob has just matured to the point that he knows what he wants and truly sees no reason to be there if it’s not to ride. 🙂 I finally realized it was fine to go home when they needed to go. I could always take Mandy back to have fun with her friends.

Casey likes to ride, but she’ll look around, too. Not because she is very interested in it, but because that’s what she has decided you are “supposed” to do, but only with certain people and at certain times. When she is with Rob and me, rides are all that’s important. The crowds and noise start bothering them and we leave. I can see the signals of overload. Their eyes look dull instead of happy. They are shutting down. Time to go.

For the last several years, Rob isn’t ready to stop riding when she is. Usually, we compromise with two more rides, then fries and home and he’s okay with that. Casey is a little more able to know when she’s reaching her limit and wants to leave. He is just so happy about the rides and the sensory input he gets, it takes him a little longer to be done.

I am so proud of how well they did. They both stayed right with me and waited patiently for their turn to get on rides. I was even able to have them sit at a picnic table while I walked about 15 feet away to get their drinks. When they were little, I never dreamed that day would come. When they couldn’t wait in lines…. when they didn’t want to leave…. when they would run from me. It’s all so different now. Remember us when you are feeling like things will never change. They do!

Rob even asked for the fair again yesterday. The only thing he asks about is Hopewell – for him to ask to go to the fair again is huge to me. The weather today is preventing a return trip, but hopefully, they’ll get there one evening this week and enjoy more spinning and swooping.

Casey loves the fair for many reasons, but mostly, it’s because that’s what you are supposed to do the first Sunday of October. She does enjoy the rides, but again, she enjoys it because she loves going anywhere. For Rob, the fair is different. He craves the sensory input from the rides. All of that spinning is calming to him. It feeds his proprioceptive needs unlike anything else. As fast as I can spin him in a swing, it’s nothing compared to those rides. He loves the way those spins make him feel. I keep telling our neighbor I’m going to purchase one of those giant swinging boats for our backyards. Rob needs that in ways I can’t understand. I only know how different he is after a few hours of it. Calm. Happy. Relaxed. I love seeing him like that.

If you are planning a day out with your child, I highly suggest you take a picture of your child with your phone as soon as you get there in case he/she does dart away, you will have a picture to show people to help find them. Also, you can safety pin a tag on the back of your child’s shirt with your phone number on it (Many kids won’t like this – you may have to get creative about where you put a tag) You can also purchase necklaces or bracelets, if your child will wear them, before you go with vital information.

And I love spending a day like this with them. It’s a dream I wasn’t sure would ever happen. I don’t take days like this for granted. Autism taught me that – take nothing for granted and enjoy it all! 🙂