Tag: autism and families

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Autism, Discipline and Manners – Is it Possible?

Autism, Discipline and Manners

For the 5th time in just a few weeks, a parent told me that they never “discipline” their child with autism – that their life is hard enough without rules they need to follow.  HUH??   What exactly does that mean?

You read it right.  There are parents (both of special needs and typical children!) that no longer believe in teaching their children manners or rules.  They want to be the child’s “friend” and too many rules will make that impossible.  They believe no one else is polite, so why worry about their child’s manners?   And I’m sorry – I have the wrong attitude – but I wanted to smack them!  You don’t have a child to get a new best friend (but, if you are lucky, you do become that – through hard work, patience, laughter and love!)

I suppose, in a way, I was lucky that Casey had turned 4 before she was officially diagnosed.  I had certain expectations for her and taught those to her before I was told it would never be something she could do.  (Remember – this was 26 years ago – autism information has come a long way since then!)  I was told she would never be potty- trained, never talk, never be able to communicate her needs/wants, need constant supervision.  (I have since thrown away that first book I read – it was terrifying!)

Some of what I was told may have come true, but not much of it.  And through all of the books I read and conferences I went to, I continued to have expectations for her – the same ones I had for Mandy and Rob.  Sure, it was harder to teach her and Rob some things, but I never gave up.  I had to be creative at times to teach them to say please, thank you and excuse me.  I still have to constantly remind them to let others walk through a door before them and to share.

Sometimes, I have to remind them to say please and thank you.  But, that’s what a parent does – you constantly remind your child to act in a certain way.  You don’t give up because it is difficult.  You find new ways to teach them.  Because rude people are not accepted in society.  It may seem to be the norm, now, but it is not acceptable to me.  Autism does not mean my kids have a free pass to be rude little brats.   Nope, no way, not in my house.

Are they always perfect?  God, no!  Am I?  Nope.  Do I let things slide at times that I shouldn’t?  Yep – especially when we are having a hard day or we are tired.  Do I regret it?  Sure – but I’ve never claimed to be a perfect mom.  I do my best and let stuff slide – probably more often than I should, but some days, the little things just aren’t worth the added stress.

Yesterday is a prime example.  I wasn’t feeling well – Casey was in a mood – Rob repeated his anxiety song for almost 9 (yes – 9!) hours straight with no breaks.  By the evening, I didn’t care about how well they scrubbed themselves in the shower or how well their teeth got brushed.  We just needed it done with as little added anxiety as possible.

But, even at that, having autism doesn’t give them a pass on behaving themselves.  Autism causes certain behaviors and I would never “punish” them for those, but other things are not autism.  And I expect them to behave.  When they don’t, I correct them and explain in as few words as possible what they need to do.  Sometimes, saying “That’s bad.” is all I say.  If you say too many words, your child won’t be able to process what you are saying and you will be wasting your breath – and be right back where you started from.

Everyone has rules.  Your child may have autism, but they need rules, too.  You don’t leave the house.  You don’t climb to the roof.  You don’t jump off the roof.  You don’t leave with strangers.  You don’t hit others.  You have to wear clothes when you leave the house.  No spitting.  No running.  Hold an adult’s hand when you cross the street.  You will wear seat belts.  You don’t sleep at work.

Rules keep your child safe.  Will your child understand that?  Probably not.  Will it be easy?  Nope – you may never teach them some rules so you can trust them to do it.  (Look both ways before crossing a street is a tough one for us.  They both glance each way AS they are crossing the street.  It’s a constant battle, but one that I can’t give up on.  It’s a matter of safety!)

Being impulsive is a huge part of autism with some people, so not only will you be fighting the communication aspect, but also their own impulses.  You will get tired, but you have to do this!  You have to teach your child – you have to discipline them.  Imagine how your typical child will feel if they are punished for something, but the child with autism isn’t.  While I know life isn’t fair, that definitely isn’t!  It’s hard enough to have a sibling with autism without feeling as though they are more important or special than you.

Obviously, you will have to figure out what is autism behaviors and what is just being a brat.  Meltdowns from sensory issues cannot be helped, until you know what’s causing the problem and fix the issue – are their clothes uncomfortable?  Are they hot?  Cold?  Hungry?  Anxious?  Are the lights too bright or blinking?  Is it too noisy?  Is someone’s perfume too strong?  Always remember that meltdowns are NOT tantrums.

A child has a tantrum when they are told “no” or something is taken away they want.  Or when they are tired or hungry.  They kick and scream, but know exactly what they are doing.  A child with autism will kick and scream, but have no awareness of who is around them.  Casey never knew I was there until she started calming down.

You aren’t doing your child any favors by letting them do whatever they want at home.  You are making their teacher’s life miserable because, at school, they have to follow rules!   That teacher has enough to handle without the added bonus of a little brat with parents who refuse to believe their angel could be bad.

Autism or not, discipline and manners are important!  I know you are tired and stressed and don’t want to deal with anything else.  I’ve been there!  But, the sooner you start teaching your child, the easier it will be to continue.  Take a breather when you need to – don’t strive to be perfect.  A perfect parent simply does not exist.

 

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Autism and Spinning – A Day at the County Fair!

Autism and Spinning - A Day at the County Fair

 

I can’t believe that it’s fair time here already and that tomorrow, “September will be all done!” as Casey says. I’ll admit it – I am usually excited about taking them to the fair, but this morning, I just wasn’t into it. They were excited – I was dragging and grumpy.

It’s a beautiful day here. Amazing blue sky and perfect temperature to wander around the fairgrounds. When we left home, they were both wearing jackets, but I told Rob he better not wear one (I didn’t want to carry it all day!). As soon as he saw Casey had hers, he had to have his, too. When we parked, I tried to convince him to leave it in the car, but nope – Casey still had hers on, so he had to be like big sis. We walked across the parking lot and I told him to take it off if he got too hot. And he did. So back to the car we went to drop it off. And I got grumpier.

I also knew that the two rides that Rob loves more than anything weren’t at the fair this year and I had been worried all night how he would react when the big boat and the other platform swing wasn’t there. Those rides calm him down so much – I just knew he would be anxious when he didn’t see them.

And, of course, he proved me wrong again. He never even asked for them. They both carefully looked at their choices of rides (these are big decisions, you know!) and started taking turns choosing what to ride next. When Casey chose the Super Loop, i knew he wouldn’t ride it – he absolutely hates any ride that goes upside down. She got in line – and he followed. I pointed at the ride and asked if he wanted to ride. “Yes, pease.” So… I backed away, knowing this was a bad idea.

They were the only two on it. I couldn’t watch as it began it’s slow circle up and back – until they were upside down and it continually went in the circle. Ugh! I snapped a picture, then couldn’t watch anymore. I wasn’t sure if Rob would gt sick on the ride or after. Or if he would be too scared to climb off of it.

You guessed it. He loved the darn thing – couldn’t wait to get back on it again. I’m not sure how many times they rode it. I thought maybe he would follow Casey onto every ride, but nope – the Drop Zone was a definite NO. (It pulls riders up about 20 feet and drops them) He didn’t even say his usual “yes, pease, no fanks.” It was just NO. So she rode it a few times on her own and they went on having fun together.

We did have one rough time. They needed to go to the bathroom and instead of going to the one where the entrances of the men’s and women’s are together (and it’s small – I would know if anyone was in there with him), they ran the other way and he darted into the huge men’s bathroom before I could stop him – and she started going to the women’s entrance – at the other side of this 30′ building. I panicked – how was I going to be in two places at once? So I as I was running back to the men’s entrance, I was pulling out my phone to call Mandy (she was working in a close building) so she could come and wait for Casey while I got Rob.

Somehow, he managed to get in and out in of the bathroom in the few seconds it took me to get Casey to the other bathroom. He was standing on the sidewalk, looking more than a little lost. I’m always where he can easily see me when they come out of the bathroom or off the rides. It must have scared him a little because as soon as he saw me, he leaned his forehead to mine. I felt so bad! More rides cheered him up, though.

The more the ride spun, the happier they were. Big circles, little circles, up and down circles, bouncy circles. They loved it all. I had a hard time even watching some of the spinning they were doing! I’m so glad they love it as much as they do – and that the spinning helps their sensory issues. Some kids get more wired after spinning, but both of them calm down.

If you have a child who loves to spin, try putting them in a swing and twisting it around and around and letting go. Or you can buy a scooter board (basically a piece of plywood with casters on each corner) and have them sit as you spin them around. Or a Sit and Spin toy works wonders, too. The whole point is to find something safe and appropriate for them to use to get what their body needs, or they will go looking for it – and you may not like what they do!

When they were smaller, going to the fair was hard. Rob and Casey both had a tendency to run off and in crowds, it’s terrifying to me. I kept a tight grip on them. Today, when we first got to the fair, they were both walking beside me and looking around. By the end of the day, they were holding onto me in their typical ways – Rob holding my right hand and Casey holding my left elbow.

That’s how I knew it was time to go. When the anxiety and stress of the crowds start getting to them, they seek comfort and security. So we did our usual – one more ride, a stop at our favorite French fry stand and headed home. As much as they both love being there, when it gets too crowded, they are done.

I hope that each of you gets to experience amazing, fun family days like we did today. It didn’t take long watching them have fun for my grumpiness to go away. It’s just awesome to me that they are both able to enjoy an activity like this together. As they got on and off rides, they watched out for each other and waited, so they were always together – just like close-knit siblings. I had tears in my eyes once or twice watching one help the other with buckles or belts as they settled in for a ride.

It’s days like today that remind me autism isn’t always so bad. Yeah, we have rough days and nights at times, but – I have also have three kids (and Cory!) who are very close and love each other more than anything. Isn’t that really what every parents wants?

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How to Help your Child with Autism Sleep

How to Help your Child with Autism Sleep

Autism and sleeping as been a big topic of discussion on our Facebook page the last few days.  One mom asked for some advice and so many offered ideas for what helped their child sleep.  Be sure to check out that post – there are a lot of ideas that I had never heard of, but parents are having success with each of them.

When Casey was a toddler, she would “sneak” out of bed and down the hall to lay by the living room door.  Of course, I never noticed the little green ghost carrying three teddy bears as she ran by me.  🙂  When she did finally go to sleep, she stayed asleep all night.  Now, I think that she was lonely.  Mandy was just  a baby and was sleeping in my room in her crib (because I didn’t want her crying to wake Casey).  As soon as Mandy moved into Casey’s room, she stayed put…. but not necessarily asleep, as she loved to peek in Mandy’s crib and giggle at her.

After Casey got her autism diagnosis, she managed to switch her days and nights – meaning she wanted to sleep all day and be up all night.  She slept at school when she could and on the days when she didn’t have school, I spent my days fighting to keep her awake. (she would hide to sleep – or even lay in the middle of the backyard and curl up!) But even if I did keep her up all day, she still wanted to be up all night, too.  Those were some long nights, but finally, she adjusted herself.

Rob slept through the night as a toddler, but then decided that he wouldn’t sleep in his room at all.  I am guessing he had a bad dream and associated it with his room.  Every night, as soon as he could, he grabbed a pile of blankets and either came to my room to sleep on the floor or he went into the girls’ room and slept there.  For years, he slept on the floor.  I know at times, it drove Mandy crazy, as she got tired of him being there, but Casey never said much about it.

And then it happened.  Rob couldn’t go to sleep.  When he did finally crash, he didn’t stay asleep.  He was up and down all night – singing, playing, opening and shutting doors.  I was grateful that, unlike others with autism, he never tried to leave the house or get into anything dangerous.  He just wandered – checked on the girls, checked on me and laid on his bed and “sang.”

He had piles of blankets – a nightlight – a fan – and a CD player that played the same song over and over and over ALL NIGHT.  If I turned it down or off, he would wake up.  If I turned the light off in the kitchen, he would wake up.  His door had to be open – the closet door had to be open.  And still he sang and wandered.

I can go one night without sleep without too many negative affects.  After so many, I started falling asleep, even if he was wandering – I just couldn’t stay awake any more.  After a while, my body adjusted to little sleep, but I still wasn’t in great shape!  He stopped watching TV before bed time – he didn’t have any electronics at that point in time.  He just couldn’t relax enough to sleep and he didn’t sleep during the day to make up for it.  He just didn’t need much sleep.

But his lack of sleep was causing him to gain weight and I knew it was having other affects on his body.  I talked to his doctor and we tried melatonin.  For a while, it worked really well, but then it stopped helping.  We finally decided his anxiety levels were causing him to be unable to sleep, so we tried anxiety meds.

After many, many years and many tries/fails, he is sleeping through the night.  And since he is sleeping, his anxiety levels are dropping and he is able to try new things.  He also is less likely to overeat.  I can tell him he’s had enough and he’s okay with that.

We have an evening routine that, to be honest, I don’t mess with much.  Casey takes her bath, then he has a shower.  She has her pills and a snack while he showers, then he gets his.  They either play with iPads, rip cardboard or color an hour or so and then go to bed.  We don’t do any exercising after baths – they don’t drink any caffeine (especially Casey – one glass of iced tea at supper will keep her up all night!).  The TV is on, but they don’t watch it often.

They both have fans and nightlights in their rooms.  Right now, they each have a window air conditioner (we have central air, but Casey’s room doesn’t get cool enough and the colder it is, the better Rob sleeps.)  I’ll leave the AC’s in as long as possible, just for the sleeping aide.  I don’t usually take them out until mid-October, especially Rob’s. Casey is okay for hers to come out as soon as the weather cools off – she doesn’t need the noise.

Casey sleeps with several blankets and turns a video on her TV before she goes to sleep.  She has a digital picture frame that is on all night and she sleeps with a stuffed toy.  Most nights, she is asleep by 9:45 or 10.  Once in a while, she has a hard time sleeping and she may be up most of the night.  On those nights, I have to keep telling her to stop dancing in her room.  Her thumping/jumping is right above my head!

Rob has three heavy duty sleeping bags, three really heavy blankets, two extra large lighter weight blankets, and more small fleece ones (8 – 10 is a conservative guess).  He has four pillows and doesn’t sleep with his head flat on the bed – he is often on his stomach with his forehead pressed against the wall, sound asleep.  He needs his fan and night light, but now, his door must be closed and the kitchen light off.  He doesn’t listen to music anymore and doesn’t turn on the TV.  Often, he goes to bed as soon as he realizes Casey has (monkey see, monkey do – comes in handy at times!).  Many nights, he sings for a little while, but is usually asleep by 10:30.  He needs his medications to help him.

So ideas to try:

  • melatonin – you can buy it at Walmart in extended release tablets if your child will go to sleep, but can’t stay asleep.
  • weighted blankets – or just lots of them.
  • sound machine or a fan
  • some people use essential oils such as lavender to help their child relax.  My kids are both too sensitive to odors to try this, though.
  • A simple routine – warm bath, a book, no exciting TV, and a snack (you will have to play around with your routine to see what works for your child.)
  • I just read that an Epsom salt bath could help and that you can also buy magnesium rubs to help your child relax.
  • CBD oil – but talk to your doctor first and be sure it’s legal in your state!
  • turn off all electronic devices a few hours before bed
  • quiet activity, such as coloring or reading, if possible.

Please remember to only change one thing at a time!  If you change a bunch, you won’t know what really helped your child.  If all else fails, talk to your child’s doctor about sleeping aides.  Trust me, I understand that you don’t want to give your child medication unless you have to, but sometimes, you have to – for their sake and the rest of the family!  You can’t be the best parent to your child if you are a walking zombie every day and it will become a safety issue.

 

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The Top 13 Things Having Children with Autism Taught Me

Top 13 Things Having Children with Autism Taught Me

Living with children with autism is a never-ending learning experience.  The therapy that worked today may not work tomorrow and the shirt that could easily be worn tomorrow might be one that couldn’t even be touched last week.  Parents are constantly on their toes for surprising new behaviors and we are always learning new things.  Here are the top thirteen things I’ve learned over the last 30 years as an autism mom.

  1. How to take out a toilet. Seriously, this is probably the one I’m most proud of.  Rob used to have a fascination with what floats and what just makes a large splash.  And since he knew he wasn’t supposed to play in the toilet, he would flush whatever he dropped so he wouldn’t get caught.  I can take out a toilet, remove the offending object (often match box cars) and reinstall the toilet in 15 minutes or so.  The only thing that ever stumped me was a plastic shot glass.  I was ready to permanently remove the toilet and insist they use a five gallon bucket over that one.
  2. How to find the softest shirts in the store. Rob’s severe sensory issues and refusal to wear shirts with sleeves or ones that he deems are not soft enough has caused me to return a LOT of clothes. No amount of washing can make a shirt soft enough for him, so we only purchase the softest ones we can find and cut the sleeves out of every single one.  I’m in the process of discovering a way to use the short sleeves cut from shirts.
  3. How to control a terrible temper. When I was young, I had a temper.  I’m sure my parents doubted I would ever learn to control it, but I did.  I needed every single bit of patience I had some days when both kids were having rough days – and I have a typical daughter, too.  I learned that getting angry really wasn’t worth the effort most days.  But, I also learned that when people realize I could blow up easily, I tend to get their attention fairly quickly – and if people see me crying in anger, they scatter.
  4. Laughing really is the best medicine. And honestly, most things are funny, if not at the time, then a little later.  I’ll admit – I still have a few days that are not funny and never will be.  They are days that I thought I would never laugh again.  But, I made it and so will every other autism parent that thinks today is the worst.  Red Koolaid slowing running down my freshly painted dining room walls is funnier than heck now.  At the time, I was ready to blow a gasket.  And that day inspired the name of my blog.
  5. Cinnamon and pepper never leave your sweeper. Yes, it’s true.  You can change the bags many times.  You can clean the guts of the sweeper.  You can use it over and over to sweep up carpet freshener, but you will always smell pepper and cinnamon until you get fed up and throw the sweeper away.  Also – green, blue and yellow food coloring has to wear off your children and it looks like they have healing bruises for weeks after painting themselves with it.  I never did find the red color.  Another thing I learned from this day – children with autism, when coached by a typical sibling – can climb drawers and cupboards like monkeys and enjoy every minute of it.
  6. The same brand of pretzel in different shapes tastes different. It’s true.  The little midget pretzels are acceptable only in certain brands, while the long rods in those same brands must never be touched.  Likewise, the long rods of another brand are delicious, while the little sticks can never be eaten.  Also – the pretzels that can be eaten at home usually cannot be eaten at any other house. Cherry tomatoes are wonderful snacks, but sliced tomatoes are yucky.  Chicken nuggets and French fries are acceptable meals at any place, at any time, but pizza can only be frozen, from a box.  Waffles should not be heated up, nor have any syrup.
  7. All Sesame Street characters, the Power Rangers and the Wizard of Oz are real people. And if you use them the right way, those characters can teach a child (or adult who is still obsessed with them) almost anything.  For years, Rob used lines from the Wizard of Oz, Lion King and Willie Wonka (the original) to communicate his needs.  I am so thankful that most movies are readily available now because when he was little, it was really difficult to find some of them and he wore them out quickly.  I’ve used silly voices (I’m especially good at Elmo, Cookie Monster, Grover and Ernie) to coach my daughter.  I can use stuffed toys to help her communicate when she is getting upset.  Autism parents do what we have to do to avoid screaming meltdowns.
  8. How to be nice – until it’s time to not be nice. I first heard this line from Patrick Swayze’s character in the movie “Roadhouse.”  It fits an autism parents’ life to a T!  When you have to deal with doctors, therapists, teachers, insurance companies, hospitals, other staff and your children, sometimes, you get fed up.  It’s hard to always be nice to people as our parents taught us to be.  I always tried to be nice, but when people decided they could make decisions for my kids based on charts and not the kids themselves, I learned to be not nice.  I learned to stand up for what they needed and not back down when people with degrees thought they knew everything.  They are incredibly smart (usually) but they don’t know what’s best for my kids.  I know my kids better than anyone!  So I’m nice to everyone – until it’s time to not be nice.  Then, watch out, people.
  9. How to speak up for us. I was a shy kid.  I didn’t like being the first person to speak unless I knew the crowd very well. Standing in the background was easier for me and I was quiet in crowds.  Speaking in front of a class was terrifying and likely to make me sick to my stomach.  After autism, I have been invited to speak at many meetings to share autism awareness and the stories of our family circus.  I enjoy doing these presentations because I know every time I reach one person with awareness, that person will reach another.  I also learned to speak in IEP meetings.  After all, I knew my kids the best and I knew what we needed.  Anyone who has been to IEP meetings, or any type of meeting about your child, knows how uncomfortable they can be, especially for the parents.  I learned to listen objectively and to think before I responded to get the kids what they needed.  It wasn’t easy, but my shyness is officially gone.
  10. It’s ok to ask for help.  I know most people know this, but this is still a hard one for me.  I hate, and I mean, hate, asking for help with anything.  I am always told how strong I am and to admit that I need help just drives me crazy.  But, slowly, over the years, I’ve learned that everyone needs help at times and that the strongest people know when to ask.  I have had a few emotional crying meltdowns because I kept quiet about things and didn’t ask for someone to watch the kids so I could sleep.  It’s still not my favorite thing to do, but I do ask when I need help – whether it’s watching the kids or just someone to talk to.
  11. Sleep is the most precious thing. Go ahead and laugh, but if you have ever had to go without sleep for weeks or months on end, you will understand this.  For many, many years, Rob couldn’t go to sleep at night and when he finally did crash, he was up and down several times each night.  I was lucky – he didn’t try to leave the house or destroy anything.  He just got a snack and lay on his bed, singing.  And by singing, I mean, squealing, laughing and shouting odd phrases until he could fall asleep again.  And on those rare nights that he actually went to sleep, Casey would be up singing, dancing and folding socks.  I am so thankful that I finally found the right combination to help him go to sleep and stay asleep most nights.  I am a new person with sleep.  Without it, I am a grouchy, crying emotional wreck.
  12. Socks are amazing and wonderful. Casey’s obsession with socks has been going on for almost 20 years with no signs of stopping. She easily has 250-300 pairs of socks and is always looking for more.  She has every color, holiday and animal you can think of, I think.  To be honest, I don’t really look at them much.  She can spend hours in front of her dresser or on the floor folding and refolding socks while she listens to music.  It is one of her coping techniques.  It’s also a great way to find kind people in the world.  Everyone who meets my daughter finds out her love for socks – usually because she is pulling up their pant leg to see what their socks look like.  Yes – even to complete strangers.  While this is usually met with a smile after I explain why she is doing it, at other times, it isn’t a pleasant experience.  I still hope the man who screamed at her in a craft store many years ago remembers us.  I sent the kids to the van with their sister and then I had a rather loud, possibly cuss-word filled discussion with him.  When it was over, the manager told him to leave and the crowd clapped for me. 
  13. It is possible to hear the same word/phrase/sound for hours and eventually not notice it. Rob gets fixated on phrases that he uses to help calm his anxiety.  When I sold our van last summer, after having it for 13 years, he said “Get the van.”  And said it and said it.  For the first few weeks, it was pretty much constant.  We drove to a park near our house (a five to six minute drive) and he said it more than 50 times.  I heard it every single time that night, but eventually, I only heard it when he was right in my face or yelling it at the top of his lungs.  It took him almost 6 months to stop saying it a lot.  That phrase still pops out every once in a while.  He has several phrases that he repeats over and over when his anxiety is running high.

Any situation can be a learning experience, if you are willing to think outside the box and laugh a lot.  Parenting is funny but when you had autism to the mix, life really gets interesting!  Now – what cool things has autism taught you?

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Autism and the Every Day Never Simple Questions

Autism and the Every Day Never Simple Questions

Autism is part of our lives.  A huge part – even if we don’t always consciously think about it.  I’m facing a decision  now that should be fairly easy, but autism is causing me to rethink everything.

Several months ago, I lost my sweet lab to lymphoma.  She was just a baby when we got her and she grew up around the noise and unexpected jumps, squeals and screams that occur around here.  Even with that, when Casey had a meltdown, Eve would get anxious, barking and trying to get between Casey and I.  She never tried to bite Casey or even jump on her –  just barked like crazy.

(Picture the scene – Casey jumping up and down and screaming bloody murder while the dog is barking a high pitched bark and bouncing around with Rob rocking and yelling “no fits, Casey!”  It’s a wonder my neighbors haven’t moved away!)

Losing her was one of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with.  She was my best friend – the one who listened as I vented and let me cry on her shoulder.  When Mandy and Cory lived in Texas and it was just Casey, Rob and I in the house, Eve was my buddy.  I talked to her about everything and she kept me from being lonely.  When she died, I felt like I lost part of me.  I had no idea when I would ever feel like getting another dog.

In the last few weeks, I’ve been thinking about it.  I miss having a dog around the house, but I still think about her and wonder if I’m ready for another one.  She had so many quirks (I sometimes think she “caught” autism!  🙂  )  I wonder if I could let go of my expectations of the same quirks in another dog.  I wonder if I will love another one as much as I loved her.  And I wonder if another dog could be okay living in my circus.

I thought about getting an older dog – one that may not be as adoptable because of their age.  But – what if they can’t handle the noise?  the sudden movements?  The kids’ safety is the most important thing to me and a new dog is scary.  So maybe a puppy would be better.  One that could grow up with us like Eve did.

And today I realized that once again, autism is dictating our lives.  It should be a simple decision about whether to get a dog or not.  I get so tired of having to overthink every single decision I make.  Would Rob really wear that super soft shirt?  Will Casey be mad if I switch plans from one day to another?  Even what to have for meals!  (though that isn’t as  bad as it once was – I make what I make and Rob adapts to it or makes a sandwich)

It’s exhausting to have to think through every choice I make.  The kids want to go swimming.  Simple enough, right?  No, it isn’t.  Taking them to the pool without help is not going to happen.  Neither is taking them to the lake (though that would be easier, simply because they will stay together and with me).  I can’t take them to the river alone.

They want to go hiking.  Okay – great!  Outside and exercise… except, again, it isn’t that easy.  If we go  near a creek, Rob wants to sit and watch the water and relax while Casey wants to walk as far as she can.  He will walk, too, but watching water relieves his anxiety so much, it’s hard to drag him away from it.

This isn’t to say we don’t go lots of places without an extra adult, but going to strange places or where there are possible dangers is so much easier with an extra set of eyes on them.  They don’t run off like they used to, but who knows when it might happen again?   We do lots of things, but it’s always seems like it’s a big decision to go.  I’m tired of that.

I just want to decide to do something and do it without trying to think through every possible thing that can go wrong.  I want to take the kids to the pool if they want to go.  (I have taken them, but it’s hard and not something I really like to do.  We have a large aquatic center with a kids play area and sets of water slides – too much area for me to be able to watch them easily.)  Tracie will go with me – but there again, we can’t just go.  I need to see if she’s free and wants to go and plan from there.  I wonder if families who just decide to go swimming and leave know how lucky they are?

I try not to overthink choices too much but it’s hard when Casey and Rob are so different – even without the added stress of autism.  She wants to go – he wants to stay.  She will try anything – he has to think about it and often says no.   They are similar in ways, just like siblings usually are.  But, still, don’t you think it’s exhausting to always have to think about big (and little!) decisions so much?

Don’t you wish you could just say “Yes!  We’re going!” without thinking about the possible sensory issues or meltdowns or safety or food preferences?  I know I do!  At the same time, I wouldn’t change either of the kids.  Autism is as much a part of them as their hair color.  There are just times that I don’t want to have to think about how autism will affect a decision.

Most of the time, I don’t really think about it, I guess.  Our life is autism and I don’t think about a life without it.  I make decisions just like every other parent, based on what would be best for our family.  Autism is just so unpredictable that sometimes, decisions are hard to make.  I wish I could just decide to get another dog and go pick one out.

I asked Casey what she thought about a dog.  She wants a big one.  Rob wants Eve.  So do I.  So like everything else, we’ll see what happens.  I’m a firm believer in things happening when they are supposed to.  When it’s time, the right dog will find us.  Eve will make sure of it.

 

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Autism and a Mom’s Fear of No Fear

Autism and a Moms Fear of no Fear

A few weeks ago, I was reminded again that even though Rob has learned to fear a few things, he still doesn’t have a clue about how dangerous some situations can be.  Just another fun aspect of autism we deal with every day.

Rob was walking with a group from their workshop and never bothered to stop at a corner to look both ways before he stepped off the curb.  Luckily, the staff was quick and there were no cars coming.  But still, I have been trying to teach both of them to look both ways before crossing a street since they were tiny and it just won’t sink in.

Casey will flip her head like she’s looking, but she’s just doing what she thinks I want.  She isn’t really looking at all.  And she’s stepping into the street as she “looks.”  Rob won’t even hesitate to walk across a parking lot or a street.  He doesn’t even pretend to be looking.  I’ve got a grip on both of them or they are close enough to grab when we walk anywhere.

Part of the reason they aren’t scared is that even though I tell them a car might hit them, it’s never happened.  They have nothing to help them understand that they could get hurt and very badly.  I think the only way for either of them to understand the danger would be for one (God forbid!) to get hit by a car.  Even then, I’m doubtful the other one would be more careful.  It’s not something they have ever seen happen, so obviously, it’s never happened to anyone.

They both understand a stop sign.  They just don’t know why it’s there.  I’ve tried saying “Look, I’m stopping at a stop sign” when I’m driving, but they don’t even look up.  When we walk, I say “Look – a stop sign.  What do we do?”  One of them will say “stop” as they walk right past the sign.

I don’t want to even think about the times I walked through parking lots when Rob was a baby.  I would be carrying Rob, with a death grip on Casey and praying that Mandy would hold Casey’s other hand (Mandy is 18 months older than Rob – hardly more than a baby herself when I was trying to get us safely to the car).  I carried Rob longer than he needed, simply because he and Casey would both dart away and it was easier to carry him.  Thank God, we never had a major issue (just a minor one with Mandy when she was older!)

When Casey was 7 or 8, we were all outside playing.  Suddenly, I realized she wasn’t in the backyard anymore.  I thought I would throw up as I ran to the front of the house and the street.  No sign of her – I ran around the house again, calling her name and wondering who to call first to help me find her.  As I was making another circle, I heard her giggle and looked up to see her legs hanging off the porch roof.  She had climbed the wrought iron corner posts and was just sitting there.  I still don’t know how she managed to climb over the edge without falling.

I stood there looking up at her while she laughed and kicked and wondered if I could get her down without both of us falling.  I was heading in to call the fire department (my dad was a captain) and ask for help when I had an idea.  I asked Casey if she wanted a popsicle – and she flipped onto her belly, stuck her feet on the posts and came down.  I couldn’t breathe until her feet were safely on the porch.  “Red!” she said and went inside.

She also jumped off my dad’s boat more than once.  She walked out into water until she had to tip her head back to be able to breathe and keep going (one of us was always thisclose to her – and she always had a life jacket one!)  She grabbed at knives and jumped off the top of their swing set.  She was crazy on the trampoline.  She ran when she had the chance in stores or at school.

Rob was even more of a dare-devil than she was.  He jumped off the roof into a pile of shingles, did a somersault and took off running.  He jumped into pools with no thought of whether he could touch or not.  He climbed scaffolding (yep – I lost him on it once – thank God I heard him giggle as he watched us run around the house looking for him!)  He tried walking down our basement steps with a blanket on his head and fell – earned him a helicopter ride to the nearest children’s hospital when he wouldn’t wake up the next morning.

He jumped down the other steps and broke his collarbone.  He fell and cut his head open – stitches.  We no sooner had a hospital bill paid off than he did something else.

Neither of them understand the danger of strangers.  They have been told more times than I can count to never leave with someone they don’t know, but I worry that if the stranger offered them the right things, they might go.  They know to find a policeman or fireman if they need help and they both know their names and addresses, but would they really look for help?  I doubt it.  Having them disappear terrifies me.

Even though they have both learned to fear some things, I still worry when we go somewhere different.  I’m more relaxed, but still know that any second, one could dart away.  Rob has a healthy fear of deep water now (he jumped into a pool with a friend who is much taller than him and couldn’t touch – scared him beyond words)  Casey is afraid of heights (she insists on riding the Ferris wheel every year at the fair, but it scares her to death when she is at the top!)

I am so thankful they are both learning to be more careful.  I know that they will probably always be somewhat fearless compared to others, but at least they aren’t jumping off the roof anymore!  And I know how lucky I am that neither of them ever tried to get out of the house.  I know several families with more locks on their doors and windows than a vault and still need alarms.

What I really want is to watch them every second of the day, but I know that’s impossible and not healthy for any of us.  They are adults and need some space from me – and I need a break from them.  But still, I think about it – the world is such a scary place – especially when you don’t understand those dangers.

My plan for the future is simple – lots of hair coloring to hide the gray hairs that pop out every time they run across the street without looking or when Rob swings so high or when Casey wants to look at coloring books in a store by herself.  And lots of deep breaths to keep from panicking at their little “thrills.”

Be safe, everyone!

 

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Autism Moms and the Need to Just Chill Out

Autism Moms and the Need to Chill Out

As soon as Mandy sees this post, I can imagine the look on her face – she told me to do just chill out several times today.  I know I need to do that, but you know how hard it is!

She called me this morning and asked if I wanted to bring Casey and Rob to a cookout at her in-laws camp site and then take a long kayak trip.  Oh man!  I haven’t been on the river yet this year and I wanted to go so badly, but the autism mom kicked in.  Who will be there?  Do they know about autism?  What if Rob gets loud?   That was the first time she told me to chill out.  “we got it covered, mom.”

Okay, she thinks no one will be bothered by the loudness, what about taking them on an hour long trip?   We hadn’t tried that, yet – only playing by the camp site.  “I got it figured out, mom,” she said.  Her plan was to tie their kayaks or tubes to ours.  And I wanted to go so much.  I still wasn’t sure about Rob, but I could just take him home if he got anxious.  So I asked them if they wanted to go and Rob was so excited he changed into his swimming clothes right then.  (We weren’t leaving for a few hours!)  I was amazed, as he hates to wear shorts.

As I was driving, I thought about how many times I wanted to do something and really wasn’t sure about the kids so I backed out.  It’s just easier to stay at times – you all know that.  And, really, there are things that I know one or the other won’t enjoy and I either take just one or we stay home.  I did that yesterday – we were all invited to a graduation party and I knew Casey wanted to go.  I thought about taking Rob, just for a few minutes, but he said “No, fanks!” as soon as I mentioned it.  He went to Grandma and Grandpa’s house and Casey went with me.

So we get to the camper and I’m getting nervous.  Rob started singing his anxious song, but he was doing it quietly and only once.  He wanted to see the water, so we sat on a bench where he could watch the river flow by and he got quiet.  He asked for the boat once or twice, but I told him we were going to eat first and he was okay with that.  Casey just watched everything and rocked a little.

When it was time to eat, I asked Casey to wait for Mandy to get her plate and again, I got the “chill out, mom” look from Mandy.  So Casey fixed her own plate (she’s perfectly fine doing that – I was just trying to keep her out of everyone’s way – course, no one was paying attention anyway – they were fixing their own plates!)  They both ate (I was impressed – you can never be sure Rob will eat – especially when he is excited about something).

As soon as we finished, Rob started getting wiggly.  He was ready to get in the boat.  Mandy and Cory got the kayaks ready while I wondered if Rob would actually step down into it.  The water was a little higher than when we were there before and he refuses to get his shoes wet.  Casey got into hers first – squealing “help” a few times – she thought we were going to send her down the river alone.  She calmed down as soon as she saw me get into my kayak and the rope holding us together.

I got us out of the way and turned to see if Rob would get in.  And was amazed when he stepped right in and settled down with his paddle.  Soon, he and Mandy were beside Casey and I and we were off.  We had decided to take them to the end of the campground and see how they were doing.  If either was anxious, it would be easy to get out there.  They both wanted to keep going.  Rob looked half-asleep – he was so relaxed.  He even splashed his hands in the water!

Now that we are home, Casey said long trips are fun, but about halfway through the trip, I had serious doubts about her.  She kept taking big breaths and sighing.  But she never got upset.  She didn’t relax as much as he did, but she seemed okay.

I looked around at the beautiful blue sky, the green trees along the river and the kids doing something together and wondered why I ever thought about not coming.  We would have missed spending a gorgeous day outside with family and friends.  It’s just that autism mom way of thinking.  And I know we all need to just chill out and go places.

Trust me, here – I am not saying you should take your child everywhere.  You know there are places that your children won’t enjoy – just like I knew Rob wouldn’t like the graduation party.  But we owe it to our kids to try new things!  We owe it to them to show them as much of the world as we can.  It may not be easy, but life rarely is – even without autism.

My advice is to try not to be scared at the thought of trying new things with your child.  It’s not that I’m afraid of trying new things – more that I overthink what might happen and worry about ruining other people’s good times.  Like today – if Rob had gotten anxious, we would have just come home.  It wouldn’t have been a big deal as Casey could have stayed with Mandy and Cory.  But I let autism into my head and it’s hard to get out sometimes.

Autism dictates so much of our lives.  It’s a simple fact that we will never be able to change.  What we can change is our reaction to it.  Even typical people have issues sometimes, so why do we worry so much about taking our children with autism into the world?  Take whatever you think might help and go.  Stay a minute, stay an hour – whatever you and your child can handle.  Only by experiencing the world can your child want to more a part of it.  If he/she has no idea kayaking exists, how would you know if they enjoy it?  You might have a star ball player or expert piano player – but only if you let them try.

Take a deep breath, chill out and go!  It won’t always work out, but at least you tried!

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Autism Moms (and Dads!) – Follow your Gut Feelings to Help Protect your Child

Autism Mom - Follow your Gut to Keep your Child Safe

When your child is non-verbal or can’t communicate easily, one of the biggest fears of parents is that someone will mistreat or be mean to their child.  I know that feeling well – and a video I saw last week brought those fears back to the surface.   The video showed a bus driver clearly mistreating a young girl with autism who wouldn’t get off her bus.  To make matters worse, an aide was standing outside the bus waiting for the child – and she left when the driver closed the door.  Why in the world didn’t she get on that bus to help that little girl?  Autism moms, let me tell you – had that been my child, I would probably be in jail right now.

I don’t condone violence.  At one point, Casey had a teacher and a principal that were not a good match for her.  The details are deep in my heart and I’m not sure even Mandy knows what really happened.  She was just a little girl and may not have understood, anyway.   To say I was angry at the teacher is an understatement.  I wanted to smack her – to beat on her.  I wanted to do to her what she did to Casey.  I hated that woman – and came to severely dislike the principal that couldn’t see what was happening.

We were advised to sue the school district.  Even the superintendent knew we would win.  We chose instead to remove Casey from that woman (actually, the school moved her – Casey stayed in the room she was familiar with.) and not take legal action.  This was our choice for many reasons – but when I think about that woman retiring with a full pension – and the other children she may or may not have been abusive to – I am angry.  I am beyond Mama Bear angry.  But, it’s over and done and I can’t change it.

But I can be more careful about the people around my kids.  If Casey or Rob seems to not like someone, I keep a close eye on that person – and keep the kids away from him or her.  I’ve told you before how quickly they “read” people.  It’s always interesting to me to see who they don’t like and wonder what is deep inside that person that the kids can sense.

I listen to my gut feelings now.  If something seems “off” about a situation, I check into it.  If the kids suddenly don’t want to do something or go somewhere that I know they enjoy, I find out why.  Several years ago, there was an issue that concerned me and I just started dropping into where they were and checking on them.  Mandy and my parents would stop in, too.

A few years ago, Rob was involved in an incident.  The details aren’t important now, but what is important is that it shook the trust I had in people.  I understood the staff’s frustration, as I know either of my kids can act up (I’ve never been a mom who says my child would never…  I’m sure they would!)  What I was the most upset about is that I wasn’t told about it until I started asking questions.  Casey kept repeating a phrase about Rob and he was upset.  Unfortunately, by the time Casey got the words out, it had been a few days since the incident.

Rob finally was able to say a word or two and another mom contacted me because their adult child was a witness and had told her what had happened.  I confronted the issue and it was taken care of.  My gut told me the day it happened something was wrong – Rob was just off and Casey was wound for sound.  But, I didn’t follow up on it right away.  (No excuses – except maybe I was just so darn tired of autism)  My gut kept at me and I checked into things.  That situation is resolved and I’ve asked to always be told right away if something happens while the kids are at work.  (Like I said, I know things happen – I just really hate not being told what’s going on!)

Even if your child is non-verbal, you will see signs something is wrong.  Maybe they get upset about getting on the bus all of a sudden.  Maybe they won’t eat at school.  Maybe they can’t sleep at night or a new behavior emerges.  High anxiety is a possible sign of a problem somewhere.  It’s hard to know what the problem might be until you start digging.  If your child refuses to get on the bus, start with the driver – has something happened?  Was there a change in the route?  Is it too noisy?  Ask the other kids on the bus – or their parents.  If the bus has a camera, ask to watch the video.

As your child with autism grows up, you will learn to become part private detective.  It’s exhausting at times, but a necessary thing to do.  Visit the school.  Become friends with your child’s teacher.  If you have concerns, voice them.  Most teachers are wonderful, but there are always a few that aren’t.  If you don’t think your child’s teacher is a good match for your child, speak up.  Talk to the teacher – talk to the principal.  No, these are not easy conversations to have, but you have to do it!

Drop in your child’s class/school.  If you are told this isn’t possible, do it anyway.  You have the right to see your child at any time.  If a school refuses to let you visit, that’s a giant red flag – always follow up on that!  Take someone else with you and go!  (if a situation gets tense, always take someone with you  when you go – a witness might be needed)  Climb the chain of command if you need to.  Schools want only the best for their students –  if a teacher is a problem, they want to know.  (at least, good schools do!)

You know your child the best.  If you get a weird vibe that something is wrong, don’t ignore it or assume you are just being over-protective.  So what if you were wrong?  You laugh about it and move on.  But – what if you are right and you do nothing?  Your child can’t help themselves – you have to do it.  Do whatever you have to do to make sure your child is safe.  You might realize he/she is only anxious because puberty is starting or they are going to go through a growth spurt.  Or you may save them from a traumatic situation.

Trust yourself.  Trust your instinct.

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Happy Mother’s Day to all Amazing, Awesome Autism Moms!

Happy Mother's Day to all Amazing, Awesome Autism Moms

Happy Mother’s Day, to all the awesome autism moms!   The one day of the year when you get to sit down, relax, have a cup of coffee (or a can of coke or glass of wine!), read a book, take a nap or watch an entire movie.  Wait – why are you laughing?   Honestly, I couldn’t even type that with a straight face.

To be honest, I had a completely different thought in mind for this blog earlier today and it just wouldn’t come out the way I wanted it to.  I decided to give up on it for a while and went to celebrate Mother’s Day and my brother’s birthday with family.  The cookout was going to be at a pond on the family farm.  I wasn’t worried about either of my kids going into the water (as much as Rob loves water, he won’t get his shoes wet – and so far, he isn’t willing to go barefoot at all!)  but I was worried about keeping him entertained and not getting into everything or singing his stress song at the top of his voice.

As soon as we pulled in, they both jumped out of the car and ran to the gathering.  Rob was amazed to see the dock over the water and immediately sat down to watch the water.  He was even more excited to see my niece and her cousin in a paddle boat and I knew he wanted to go for a ride.  He didn’t say anything about it, though, so I let him watch until after we had eaten.  The roughest part of the evening was his discovery of a pile of magazines he was bound and determined to get.

I told him no magazines.  He tried to “sneak” past me.  (He doesn’t seem to realize his sneaking skills are severely lacking – and he’s 5’10”!)   So I used my stern mommy voice and said no magazines, yes boat ride.  That finally got through to him, but he was still thinking about them.  We got him into the paddle boat and within a few seconds, I could see his anxiety levels dropping.  He paddled as hard as he could and then just stopped and we floated.  He put his fingers in the water and talked about fish and turtles.  I was shocked that he put his hands in!

It was as we were floating around that it occurred to me what I really wanted to say today.  What other people might see as little victories mean the world to me – and to every other mom (and anyone who loves someone with special needs!).  That’s what I want you all to celebrate today!  Yes, your life may  be harder than someone else’s – but it isn’t as hard as other people’s.  There are times I get so tired of doing baths/showers every night and I get grouchy about it.  But – then I think of the people who have to use lifts to get their loved one into a bath, if they can even do that.  I think of the parents who would love to be giving their child a bath every night, but can’t.  It’s all in perspective.

Give yourself permission to be whiny at times.  We all do it, but the guilt autism moms (and dads!) feel at being tired of things keeps us from talking about it.  Talk about it, anyway.  Brag to everyone about the smallest steps forward your loved one makes – if someone isn’t excited for you, ignore them and brag to someone else!  You have every right to brag, too!  You are a proud autism mommy – show the world!

When I share our story, I try to tell you how our lives really are.  Casey and Rob have had so many issues they had to deal with as children – and as adults.  I don’t sugar coat anything.  For a while, life was hell.  Some days, Casey screamed the day away.  I couldn’t figure out how to help her – and how to be a good mommy for Mandy and Rob, too.  I hated that I wasn’t a good enough mom to know what to do for her.  I hated that I had to depend on a doctor that was two hours away to help me with ideas and medications.  But – look at her, now!

I write to give each of you hope.  Our kids change quickly – and we may never know why.  I’m still trying to figure out the changes in Rob, though I’ve mostly decided to just love every minute of it!  We went to Prom last Friday and he is smiling in nearly every picture – even wearing a shirt with sleeves!  He danced the Twist with us and tried the Cotton-Eyed Joe.  The moment that brought tears to my eyes was when he slow danced with me, then Mandy.  He put his hands on my shoulders and swayed back and forth.  It’s the first time he’s ever shown any interest.

Instead of wildly dancing (by that I mean she runs back and forth like a deer – flying low and leaping), Casey stayed right with Mandy and I and she danced like we were.  She tried to follow the line dances (she doesn’t know right from left, no does she care!) and mimicked what we did.  Another proud autism mom moment.  And that’s what my Mother’s Day is about.  Quick, fleeting moments that may not mean anything to other people, but that mean to world to me.

Rob let his fingers touch the water.  Casey sat politely and waited her turn to fix her plate at supper.  Rob rubbed the dog’s head.  Casey played in the gravel and watched the little boys with a smile on her face.  He paddled a boat and looked for turtles.  She got in the boat, even when she was scared of the water.  They both said good bye and thank you as we left.  Little moments.

I hope each of you enjoyed little moments in your day.  I was lucky enough to have all of my kids with me at lunch – to see my parents, my brother and his family, and my extended family.  I hope that each of you has a big support system that you can rely on.   I know that isn’t always possible, but remember that even if your “family” isn’t around or can’t understand, others will be willing to help you.  Family isn’t defined by blood – it’s those people who walk into your life and never leave.

So -Happy Mother’s Day to all the autism moms out there.  And to the dads who are doing both roles – and the grandparents.  Today is a day to celebrate little victories and all of your hard work in those small, huge steps.  I hope you get plenty of hugs – no matter how you get hugs!  They might be tight bear hugs, or forehead to forehead, or light squeezes, or just a lean.  However your child shares love – enjoy every precious moment!

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Why do We Judge Other Autism Parents?

Why do we Judge Other Autism Parents?

I follow several Facebook pages of parents with kids with autism.  Some are just starting their journey and some have an adult child, like me.  The other day, I read a post by one of the mom’s that really got to me.

She was venting because another autism mom attacked her for being happy that the spring break was over and her son was back in school.  She was amazed that anyone, especially someone who has a child with autism, could be upset with her because she was happy to be back in their routine.

The other mom said the break was “only” two weeks – what kind of parent can’t handle being around their child for only two weeks?  She went so far as to say the mom should be ashamed of herself for wanting to be away from her child.

I posted a reaction – anger.  My response was simple – every parent, regardless of whether their child has special needs or not, is ready to get back in the routine after a long break.  Any parent who says they  never need a break from their kids is lying – to themselves or you.  We all need a break – from the kids, from our spouse, from our jobs.  Autism just makes it that much harder.

And, even more important, that mom had no idea what the other home was like.  She might be lucky enough to have an “easy” (is there such a thing??) child with autism, but none of us know what others’ lives are like.  As much as I share with my autism mom friends, they don’t know what it’s like in my house, day after day.  They can imagine, just like everyone else.   And, while I may have a good idea of what their lives are like, I really don’t.

I can picture what it’s like having a child who is blind with autism.  I can try to imagine what it’s like to live with a child who may become violent.  I can try to imagine conversations with a high-functioning teenager.  They can try to picture my life with two moderately affected young adults.  It just doesn’t work.

So why do parents judge each other?  We are all in this together.  What good does it do anyone to toss negative comments around?  We all have to deal with enough negativity with the rest of the world.  We need to let go of the whole judging thing.

I’ll admit – I’ve thought before that someone is handling a situation in a way I wouldn’t.  I can say I would “never” do something – but I’m not in that home.  There is no way I could possibly know what those parents go through every day.  Have I thought people were crazy to do things they do?  Sure – as I’m sure people have thought the same about me.  I’m ok with that – some days, I’m sure I’m crazy.

You wouldn’t tell a typical parent how to raise their child.  Why would you try to tell a special needs parent what they are doing wrong?  Why would you attack someone for voicing their feelings?  Sure, you can say you would feel differently, but don’t make anyone feel bad because they don’t do things your way.

It’s impossible for anyone to know the journey we’ve walked.  Even the people who were right there with  me, but didn’t live in the house, can’t always know it all.  I’ve always been open to hearing the ideas that other people have, but I don’t think I should be made to feel bad if I don’t follow all of their advice.  I know Casey and Rob better than anyone (except Mandy!) and I’ll always do what I think is right for them.  It may not be what other parents would do, but so what?  Other parents are not my responsibility.  It really is that simple.

I feel so bad for parents who are truly doing the best they can that are getting ridiculed or judged by other parents.  News flash – none of us are perfect – we are all stumbling through this journey as best we can, just like every other parent in the world.  Instead of offering judgment, why not offer an ear?  a hug?

My rant is over.  I just hate to hear about parents getting attacked for sharing their feelings.  If we can’t share online, somewhat anonymously, then how can we share with our friends? I want my friends to know that even if I don’t feel the same as they do, I’ll always be here to listen.  I won’t have the answers they need, but I can offer a hug or a shoulder to lean on.