Tag: autism holidays

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Merry Christmas from Autism, Apples and Koolaid

Merry Christmas from Casey, Rob and me!

I can’t believe that I’ve let it go so long without writing again. I have no excuses, really, beyond being tired and busy. And, sometimes, I just don’t know what to talk about that might interest anyone. The last several weeks, life has thrown some curves our way and it’s been hard to think about much beyond those curves.

It is interesting, though, how autism makes problems unique. I discovered early in November that my well had dried up and I needed to have a new well drilled. The cost was crazy, but even more worrisome was trying to get Casey and Rob to understand to be even more careful with water. Luckily, the company who was drilling our well understood my situation and brought a trailer with a water tank that I could have refilled every few days.

That was such a relief, but it was still hard to remind Rob his showers couldn’t be the long, hot ones that he and I like so much. He needed to jump in, wash, and get out. I was so proud of them both – even though they weren’t sure what it meant to be low on water, they followed along as I rushed them through baths and showers. Casey was happy that she still had a load of laundry waiting when she got home!

But there again, water and the cost of a new well and trying to get a tooth fixed for Rob (again!) and worries for family and friends just seemed to take over the last month. Some days, I felt like I was losing my mind – that if one more thing happened, I would just sink into a blob of goo all over the floor. Those minutes didn’t happen often, but it was exhausting when I did feel that stress. I know what I need to do to relieve stress and, mostly, those ideas worked. But, it also made me tired.

Casey always has a long list of Christmas “must-haves” and, early in the month, she was full-on reminding me every single day of what she still wanted to do. So for a few weeks, we were somewhere every night, either taking baths at grandma and grandpa’s house or visiting a Christmas light display or shopping. We managed to get everything she wanted, except for one, and I’m hoping to take them to those lights tonight or tomorrow. For some reason, she hasn’t mentioned it, though. Maybe she’s tired, too.

She’s happily munching on “Grinch” cookies now and reminding me that she’s going to get presents Tuesday. (When they were little, we started the tradition that the kids exchanged gifts on Christmas Eve and they will also get their gifts from me that day.) And presents Wednesday. And presents Thursday. The funny thing is, she doesn’t care about the cost of any present. She would be thrilled to open nothing but socks and color by number books.

Rob is the same way. He doesn’t care about the cost of gifts. He wants what he wants. Basically, stuff to rip up and Legos. He hasn’t mentioned presents and he won’t. He lets Casey plan everything and just follows along with whatever she says is next. He enjoys going to the light shows, but he’s not worried about getting to all of them. (That could be because he knows she’ll worry enough for both of them!)

We are ready to relax and have some fun. Our Christmas may not look at all like yours, but it works for us. Casey and Rob are excited and happy with our plans and that’s all that matters to me.

May each of you have a very blessed Christmas! We are so happy you are enjoying our adventures!

If you would like to read more adventures, check out our book, Autism, Apples & Kool Aid. I think it will make you laugh and remind you of what is really important in our crazy lives with autism.

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Autism and a Very, Merry Christmas

Autism and a Very Merry Christmas

As I sit here writing this, I can hear Rob in his room saying, “Trrreeeeee.” He’s happily building Christmas trees with his Legos. Casey is listening to Christmas music on her iPad. All of the trees are on and everything is ready for Christmas, except to finish baking. This is the most magical time of the year in our house.

We have visited several light displays. Casey and Rob have shopped and wrapped presents. Casey carefully looks under the tree several times a day to make sure her presents are still there. She never touches them, but she does encourage Blue, our dog, to nose through them so she can peek at other presents easier. (Blue loves to unwrap presents!) Casey knows the plans for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and the day after Christmas.

Some of the coolest moments happened a few nights ago. Santa Claus visited our ASK Autism group and everyone got to meet him and have their pictures taken. Because we are a small group, even the children who are scared of Santa were able to talk to him. Casey was so excited that she couldn’t sit still and when she heard Santa’s sleigh bells as he came in the door, she jumped up and watched with a huge grin as Santa came closer.

Rob sat near Santa and, after some encouragement, told him he wanted Legos for Christmas. He was happy, but not nearly as excited as Casey was. She told Santa she wanted a big Grover and a Big Bird. Then she watched as the smaller children (yep – she managed to talk to Santa first) went up to Santa.

Rob will take the week as it comes. He’ll do whatever, whenever and go with the flow. Casey will have some stressful moments when the excitement gets to be too much for her and she needs to decompress. She’ll be on edge, wondering if she’s been good enough for Santa to bring her gifts and won’t sleep on Christmas Eve until she is sure he has visited us. It’s hard to watch at times. I tell her all the time she’s been so good that I’m sure Santa will leave her some amazing presents, but as much as she loves holidays, she gets anxious about them, too.

She will want to be sure everything she thinks is important happens and she’ll be very serious. She will have fun, too, but she will constantly be thinking of the next activity. It’s a hard week for her, even as she loves it all.

Our Christmas won’t look like yours. Santa will bring things my kids enjoy – socks, Sesame Street, crafts, construction paper, Legos and cards. I don’t care that some people won’t buy things that aren’t age appropriate. I buy what they like – same as I would anyone else. I hope each of you does the same and are able to ignore people who insist that you buy things for your child’s age and not their interests.

We usually have a fairly relaxing holiday that is spread out over a few days. This works best for our family. We don’t go to a lot of parties – we choose things we can do without large crowds or lots of noise. Sometimes, it’s a tough balance between the needs of my “go go go girl” and my “stay at home son” but we manage pretty well, usually.

Merry Christmas to each of you! May your holiday be filled with love and laughs!

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Autism and a Question

Autism and a Question

Who makes the rules? I know that seems like an odd question for a Christmas post, but really, I do want to know. Who makes the rules? The rules that decide why behaviors with autism aren’t “right”? Who decides?

I took Casey and Rob to see the Wild Lights at a zoo last night. Casey was so excited that she giggled the whole drive (about an hour and a half). Rob reminded me the whole way where we were going and he was going to see “boo” (blue) lights and a lake.

Our first stop is almost always a train ride that loops around a small part of the zoo. We got in line and Rob was so excited that the line was along the tracks and he could watch the train coming and going as we waited to buy our tickets. They both had huge smiles on their faces. Rob was humming and bouncing, but not moving out of one spot. Casey was smiling and rocking slowly back and forth. Both were obviously excited.

In front of us was a man, woman and five kids, ranging in age from maybe 1 to 6 or7. All of the kids, except the baby who was being held) were dancing around and squealing – just being kids, until the oldest decided to climb over the rope barrier and pull at the strands of lights covering the bushes. Then the other ones followed suit. Casey and Rob just watched, but really, couldn’t have cared less what the kids were doing. The parents, meanwhile, are completely ignoring the fact their kids are pulling lights off of the bushes.

Finally, the mom yelled at them and made them come to her. Casey giggled at the kids getting into trouble, but it wasn’t obvious. So the little angels are standing in a group whining for everything under the sun and the mom glared at Rob. He was standing well out of their way (he hates getting too close to anyone!), but he was humming and rocking a little louder and faster and apparently, she didn’t approve of the noise.

I’ll be honest, if he was loud, I would have asked him to use a quieter voice, but we were in a line of people all talking and laughing and beside a set of tracks with a train coming and going every few minutes. I barely heard him – and I was standing right beside him. So, I watched her and decided since I was wearing a Grinch hat, I might as well act like one. She whispered something to her husband and pulled the kids farther away from us (cause, you know, autism is as contagious as COVID) and glared again. And the kids yelled louder.

We stepped up as the line moved. She turned to me and asked me not to crowd them. At this point, we were probably three feet from them – in a line. I smiled and said we wouldn’t crowd since her kids needed plenty of room to move. (not being sarcastic – we all know how kids are in line!) She popped back with “at least they aren’t making that annoying humming noise” Without even thinking I said, “yep, you are right – yours are destroying the hard work of the zoo workers.”

By then, her husband had their tickets and they moved on (and thankfully, were the last passengers on that train!) and the sales guy was laughing when I stepped up. “Good for you!” was all he said before “Merry Christmas.”

Casey and Rob enjoyed the train ride and seeing the lights in a tunnel, but I was wondering – who decides it’s ok for kids to cross barriers and pull at lights, but not to hum and rock in place?

When they needed to use the restroom, we ran into another “rule-maker.” The zoo has family bathrooms that just have one toilet, but it’s a bigger area if you need to change an adult. No one was using it, so I sent Casey in and when she was done, Rob used the bathroom. Meanwhile, another lady was sitting on a bench watching. As I waited for Rob to come out, she decided to tell me how family restrooms were to be used – and it wasn’t for people “like” us.

I thought maybe she didn’t realize they had autism, so I tried to explain. She cut me off and said they didn’t need to use the family restroom, as they were capable of going into the restrooms. I tried again to explain that it wasn’t safe for Rob to go in alone and neither could be trusted to wait outside while I helped the other. She declared again that they weren’t little, weren’t handicapped and that I just didn’t want to wait in the line like I should.

It’s Christmas, so I smiled and told her she was certainly entitled to her useless and unwanted opinion and to have a Merry Christmas. But, really – who decides the rules for the family restroom? Who decides that autism isn’t a disability? Who decides what’s best for my kids? (I can answer that one – me! It was just rhetorical.)

Casey and Rob were completely unaware of her, as they were distracted by the light show on the lake, but as we sat and watched, I wondered again. Who makes the rules? And what gives perfect strangers the confidence to believe they need to share their opinions with me? I didn’t tell the mom by the train her kids were brats and she needed to stop them. What gives her the right to tell me? (Besides just bad manners)

And now I’ll give you the answer to my question – who makes the rules? Society. But the thing is, the rules change and need to be changed. So don’t avoid taking your child anywhere! Only by taking our families to the zoo and to the park and to restaurants and to stores will society begin to know us. And once they know us, and autism, they won’t be as concerned about it. We’ll be just another family waiting in line for a Christmas train.

Don’t be scared to go out. Prepare yourself and enjoy. Maybe you’ll have to make short trips, at first – only you know what your child can handle. I’ll be honest – there are places I don’t take Casey and Rob, but it’s not because I’m concerned what others will think. I know what they can handle and what they will enjoy. I wouldn’t drag a typical child to something they wouldn’t like – why would I take a person with autism?

Perfect your glare. Stiffen your back and remember – you and your family have every right to enjoy and experience the same things every one else does. Remind yourself this quote by Dr. Seuss “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

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Autism and the Christmas List

Autism and the Christmas List

Every year, Casey has a list of things in her mind that we have to do for her to have a wonderful Christmas. It’s never anything too complicated, but she’s already reminding me of what all she wants to do.

They were both excited to go to the Christmas Parade. It was so cold and windy, but they were bundled in sleeping bags. I was kinda hoping it would rain so I would have a good excuse not to go, but after seeing how happy they both were, I’m so glad we got to go. Casey started waving to Santa when he was 3 or 4 blocks away and didn’t stop till she couldn’t see him anymore. It completely amazed her when Santa waved back to her. She giggled the rest of the evening about that.

Rob has learned to cover his ears as soon as the fire trucks get close to us. This is such a huge step for him – to be able to take care of what he needs by himself. Three years ago, I had to stand behind him and cover his ears for him. Last year, I had to remind him the trucks would be loud. This year, he handled it all on his own.

They were both really surprised when I took them to a light display the night before Thanksgiving. It was a mild day and seemed to perfect to not take advantage of it. They both enjoy the music and light show, but once again, I was reminded to not get too comfy when we are out and about. When we stood up to leave, they both took off for the car and I had to grab both to keep them from walking right into the street. Proof once again that just because something hasn’t happened in a while, doesn’t mean it won’t. They both got a stern lecture about staying with me, but they were more focused on a snack than their own safety. 🙁

Casey has finished some of her shopping and all I’ve heard for the last hour is she needs to wrap it – tonight – before her bath. And that she still needs to go shopping and that she wants to go – now. Rob has almost finished his shopping. He likes to pick out gifts, but he’s not worried about it. He knows I’ll make sure his shopping is finished in time. Once December gets here, Casey is in Christmas mode.

We got to enjoy a Christmas movie Saturday morning (our local theater plays sensory friendly movies several times a year) and then a light/inflatables display at our fairgrounds Saturday evening. Two more things checked off Casey’s list.

She has reminded me that we need to get grandma and go to the “biggest fairgrounds” and see lights and have a snack on the way home. She has reminded me that we haven’t gone to the zoo lights, yet, and last year, we went the Monday after Thanksgiving, and it’s not right we haven’t gone, yet. (The fact that it’s been cold and rainy doesn’t matter to her – only the schedule in her mind).

It can be hard to find Christmas activities that you feel safe taking your child to. Just remember that your Christmas traditions don’t need to look like mine or your best friend’s or your neighbor’s. Your traditions should fit your family. Maybe a movie night at home with everyone wearing PJ’s and throwing pillows and blankets on the floor in the living room.

Maybe it’s making cards or pictures as gifts. Maybe it’s putting lights and no ornaments on the tree. Whatever your traditions are, enjoy them. Don’t worry about everyone else – just enjoy the magic of the season with your family.

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Autism, Big Steps, Little Steps and a Happy New Year

Autism, Big Steps, Little Steps and Happy New Year

Happy New Year! I realize I’m about a week late wishing that for all of you, but the last several weeks, have been busy and fun and full of family time. While I love sharing our lives with you, sometimes, it just doesn’t seem to happen.

We had so many huge steps forward for both Casey and Rob over the last month. December is a happy month, but for Casey, it also tends to be very stressful as she has a list in her head of what needs to happen for it to be a perfect Christmas and until those things are checked off, she is very serious. This year, though! It was truly amazing! She still had things she wanted to do, but she wasn’t worried about getting everything done. She laughed and enjoyed her way through the month!

She seemed to finally realize that I would make sure everything (well, most everything! 🙂 ) she wanted to do would happen. She didn’t worry about going to light shows. She didn’t repeatedly ask about opening presents – or going to grandma’s for lunch – or Santa coming. Maybe, in some strange way, the pandemic has helped relax her need to control everything. She has finally learned (by way of COVID) that she simply can’t control everything.

We even changed our usual routine of going to my parent’s house for supper on Christmas Day. They came to our house instead and we had supper at their house the day after with my brother and his family. And when she was opening her presents, she was smiling! She giggled at the new Big Bird, she studied the new color by number books, she carefully pulled tags off of new clothes. Usually, she flies through her presents – she has a need to see what she has gotten. This year, she took her time. The pictures of her smiling as she looked at her new things mean so much to me. I truly don’t know when she last smiled in a picture on Christmas morning.

This was also the first year that Rob wrote a letter to Santa! And, on Christmas Eve, he was the one who almost caught Santa. He was asleep and then stumbled from his room. He asked me for Santa and I told him he needed to be asleep. He flopped back on his bed, sound asleep again. I have had my doubts that Rob really believes in Santa, but after that, maybe he does. He was excited to open presents, too, and was thrilled to get an entire set of the power rangers he asked for, plus his signs and Legos. And, plenty of stuff to rip/cut up.

They both went to a movie, again. Rob ate snickerdoodles! They both played Charades with us. Rob is learning (some days with a lot of prompting!) to use a quieter voice when he is sensory seeking. Casey is carefully painting her crafts and not just throwing paint on to say it’s done. Rob was in a store with Mandy and told her “It’s time to eat!” A complete, non-prompted sentence! He is singing songs and chose to wear a brand new shirt! They are both handling changes in their schedules with no reaction.


Last year was a tough year for a lot of reasons. Sometimes, in the midst of sadness, it’s harder to see the little steps forward that our kids make. It’s easier to get swept up in all the negativity and the list of what they aren’t able to do, yet. Notice – I said “yet.” Not today doesn’t mean not ever. Always, always dream for your kids and help them reach for the stars. It’s hard and it’s exhausting, but you will never regret it.

Our wish for all of you is a year full of big and little steps. Celebrate them all! Share them with the world. Your steps forward might be just the encouragement another person needs to keep fighting for their dreams! Have a happy and safe 2022!

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Autism, Holidays and Growing a Thick Skin

Autism, Holidays and Growing a Thick Skin

At our last autism support group meeting, one topic that came up was how to deal with the comments – the stares – the outright rudeness of some people when our children with autism might act “different” than others while out in public. Or even at family/friend functions. How do you handle the questions, the comments. How do you not feel like crying when someone is mean to your child?

It really is one of the hardest parts of autism to handle. Just being a parent makes you want to protect your children from mean people. Add in the autism (cause, you know, someone different either brings out the best or the worst in people) and it can be so tough. And, unfortunately, it seems the mean people always find you on days where you are already stressed and near tears. The holiday season just adds more stress and more opportunities for those “helpful” people to make you want to cry and never leave home again.

Don’t let them do that to you! Your family has just as much right to be at every activity as everyone else. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, you will get mad. Yes, you will cry. And yes – you will eventually develop a thick skin and will learn to let those comments roll off your skin. You will also learn to give a death stare to people. Most people will look away quickly once they realize you overheard their nastiness and don’t care. Besides, you can always hope karma gets them later. (yeah, maybe not the nicest thing to think, but…. it’s better than smacking them yourself!)

So back to our meeting. I felt so bad for one young mom. She has a little guy (that’s his picture with the blog) and took him to a Christmas activity. It was crowded and overwhelming. This poor mom heard the comments about her sweet little boy. Instead of helping her – or encouraging her for being brave enough to try – people weren’t kind. She took her son and went home ready to cry. Her comment was she thought she would just stay home from now on. Been there, felt that so often. I’ve cried leaving places. I’ve cried once I got us all safely home and could hide from the kids. I’ve ranted to myself. It took years, but I have that tough skin.

It’s rare now that someone’s comments get to me. It does still happen, though. Not as bad as it used to – and usually, if a comment hurts me, it comes from someone that I never expect to make such a comment. It takes longer to develop that thick skin around family and friends, but your first priority is always your child. Some families take a little longer to learn how amazing your child is.

Another mom and I shared that we knew how these young moms felt. We understood how hard it is to let the world see your child and not know if the world will love and accept him/her or will be cruel. We also know it’s important for your child to be able to explore the world. You will never know what your child might like if you don’t try. It may take several tries before you know for sure. It might mean you try and then wait a long time to try again. Only you will know, but – don’t let the rude idiots of the world scare you into staying home.

I’ve lost my temper with a few people who made comments about Casey and Rob. I’ve (not my finest moment) yelled at people in stores. I’ve stopped moms and embarrassed them by telling them what little jerks their children were to mine. I’ve developed a death glare for those that I catch staring. I’ve ignored some people. I’ve replied to some comments by saying “Thank you for showing me there are worse things in the world than autism. My child could be rude and mean like you.”

Remember, I’ve been doing this for more than 30 years. It takes a long time to learn to ignore what other people say and think. You will get there, though. Keep trying new things. Meet new people. Learn to glare. Learn to stand up to bullies. Remember that no one’s opinion really matters. You can do this. I’m sure of it.

If all else fails, ask a veteran autism parent to go places with you. You can learn from the best. 🙂

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Autism and Making New Christmas Traditions

Autism and Making New Christmas Traditions

So many wonderful Christmas traditions involve large, loud gatherings or crowds at stores. When you have someone with autism, those are definitely not places you want to be (well, you want to be there, but it’s not always possible!). Sensory meltdowns are real and can ruin a day quicker than almost anything.

We never had huge holiday parties. My family is small and everyone understood if Rob or Casey needed to run upstairs to my or my brother’s old bedrooms for some quiet. So telling people we weren’t coming to their party wasn’t an issue when Casey and Rob were little. It’s actually more of a problem now. People just don’t seem to understand that just because they are adults, the autism didn’t go away. They still have the same needs – they are just more capable of handling sensory needs now. But – that took us years of practice, years of finding what they needed, and years of hiding from the world.

We started our own traditions. I absolutely love holidays and birthdays and always want them to be special. I had to figure out how to give each of the kids a special time – within their abilities. It wasn’t always easy, but I think I managed to do it. Now, Casey and Rob are both more willing to try new places (especially if Mandy and Cory are with us!) but we still need to be aware that crowds will get to Rob quickly. And that noises (like fire trucks in a parade) are painful to both of them. She is okay, usually, with temperatures, but he gets hot easily.

A crowded mall to see Santa is not an option for us. Luckily, Casey got to see him in the parade and – this completely amazed her – when we went to a local light show, Santa was sitting in a sleigh at the end. And – he knew her name! He waved and said, “Hi Casey! Hi Rob!” She couldn’t stop smiling and giggled the rest of the evening because he knew her and he said hi! (I’m fairly certain Rob knew why Santa knew her name, but he didn’t ruin it for her!)

Casey is like me and loves all things holiday. (as a side note, I have to mark out all of the holidays that calendars have printed in them because she wants to celebrate them all!) She has been wearing Christmas shirts since the day after Thanksgiving and is dropping hints that she doesn’t have enough of them. Her calendar is full of Christmas things to do – bake cookies, see a movie, several light shows, go shopping. The list in her head is long and she wants it all to happen. Luckily, none of it is impossible and Rob is willing to do most of it, too. (He likes making ornaments, but he’s a one and done kinda guy!)

Look near you for drive thru light displays. There are so many near us that we rotate each year. And – they aren’t expensive – even better! Plus, the drive thru ones let your child feel safe while the rest of you can enjoy the displays. Check local zoos for sensory days. The zoo we went to last week has a huge light display and several days throughout the season are designated as sensory friendly. The music is turned down and all flashing strobe lights are turned off. Most places do something similar.

Many malls offer a sensory friendly Santa visit, too. If your mall doesn’t, ask if you can schedule a time for your child to meet Santa outside of his usual spot where the crowd may be thinner and there will be less noise. Again, most places are happy to accommodate your child’s needs – but you have to ask.

If you are invited to a party and want to take your child, just explain your needs to the hostess/host. Again, most people are happy to help – they just don’t know what you need until you ask for it. And if someone doesn’t want your child there, do you really want to be there? I sure don’t. We are a package deal. 🙂 (not that there aren’t times you need to go places alone to get a breather – I mean, do you want to be around someone who doesn’t accept your child?)

Or better yet – start your own party traditions. You can keep it small or invite the whole town. Rob and Casey never minded how many people were here because their rooms were off limits to guests – they always had their safe place to go to. (Again – your child may be different. I can think of three or four young adults I know that would hate having their home invaded by guests!)

My point is – your Christmas doesn’t have to look like mine or your neighbor’s or the rest of your family to be an absolutely amazing, magical time. People seem to spend too much time comparing their lives to others and feeling bad when they aren’t “keeping up.” But – did you ever think that other people may feel they aren’t keeping up with you? Yes, your life with autism may be a lot different, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t an awesome life. You don’t know what others are thinking – be proud of your family’s uniqueness! Flaunt it. Wake up the world!

Find the Christmas traditions that work for you. Big, little or no party. Shopping online or in stores. Visit holiday events or watch them on TV. Our lives are special and any tradition you decide will be special, too, because it’s completely right for your family. As so many other people are running around like crazy trying to do everything and find the perfect gifts, you will be home quietly watching a Christmas movie in your PJ’s and drinking hot chocolate. Autism doesn’t ruin holidays – it can make them even more special.

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Autism and the Wild and Wonderful Holiday Season

Autism and the Wild and Wonderful Holiday Season

The holiday season is full of so many fun and amazing events, but for those of us with a special needs family member, it might not be the kind of excitement you think of. It can be a painful, stressful and scary time for those with sensory needs or the need to keep a set routine. Even school schedules change during this month! And, as we all know, if autism makes life difficult for one, it affects every one in the family.

The holiday season is the time to relax your standards and focus on having fun with your child – whatever that fun might be. Whether you are able to visit Christmas light displays or special holiday events at your local library is something only you will know. I would also encourage you to try new things, but to be okay if it doesn’t work out. Stop in a party for 5 minutes. Go to a candle lighting. Go to a parade. The thing is – you never know when your child will surprise you with a new skill or ability to go somewhere.

If you know your child can’t handle the change in routine or the noise of going somewhere, plan special things at home. Make a mess making cookies or have a family movie night. All of my kids used to love bringing sleeping bags and pillows into the living room and watching a movie together. Each of them got to request a special snack for the movie and they slept in the living room together when the movie was over.

Try to create a special ornament. If you aren’t crafty, or your child has fine motor troubles, look for a craft kit that has everything you need. There are so many options of ones that are foams pieces that are stickers. All you have to do is peel the back and let your child create special gifts for everyone. These are pretty reasonably priced, too! Or you can mix up salt dough and let your child squeeze and mold whatever they like. Both of these activities offer occupational therapy benefits, too!

Make a paper chain to help your child understand how long it will be before Santa comes. Or how long he/she will be out of school. Again, let your child help! I know it’s easier to do it yourself, but your child needs to try – and needs you to encourage him/her that they can do anything they want. Some stores sell paper strips that have a sticky spot on one end to make the loops.

The whole point is to make your holiday a happy one – one that is perfect for your family. It may not look like the “picture perfect” one that Hallmark promotes, but that doesn’t mean it won’t be amazing. Instead of thinking about all you might be missing, think of what you may be missing that you didn’t want to do anyway. Business party? sorry – no one to stay with my child with autism. Extended family party (you know – the ones where you only see these people at Christmas) – sorry, it’s too loud for my little one. (And – you also get to avoid those family members who want to tell you everything you are doing wrong for your child!)

While a lot of what I’m sharing here is things to do at home, I really do encourage you to take your child new places. Trust me – I know the stares you may get are hard to handle, but really – what does it matter what those people think? I’m sure every single person who makes a negative comment about your child has something about them that you could comment on. It takes a while, but after so many years, I honestly couldn’t care less about what people are thinking or saying. It’s their problem, not mine. And if I’m trying to help Casey or Rob, I don’t let anyone distract me from that.

If you are new to the autism journey, you may feel that you will never be able to handle the stares or comments, but you will. You’ll develop a thick skin and a look that could kill a snack. Go out and enjoy everything the holiday season has to offer you and your child. Plan for short trips and stay as long as you are all happy and comfortable! You can do it and your child will learn and adapt. Sometimes, it takes years, sometimes, you will be surprised. Don’t let autism rob you of a wonderful Christmas season!

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Autism and Letting Go of Expectations

Autism and Letting Go of Expectations

The title may throw you off a little. Before anyone thinks I’ve lost my mind and am letting Casey and Rob run the house, the expectations I’m talking about are the ones everyone has about what a happy life looks like. Autism changes your perspective, but not always quickly.

Many people seem to think a happy life is one with lots of stuff, lots of travel, lots of people around. Big, fancy parties for birthdays and expensive presents for Christmas.

Let me paint another picture for you. Yesterday was Rob’s 29th birthday. I am a birthday person. I love celebrating the person that day – not always huge things, but things to make sure that person knows they are loved and special. With autism, I had to let go of my idea of the perfect birthday and change it to fit Casey and Rob’s needs and wants.

If you ask Rob, my guess is, if he was able to say the words, yesterday was perfect to him. He got to sleep in as long as he wanted. He had his favorite doughnut for breakfast. He had nuggets and watermelon for lunch. He went to Mandy and Cory’s house.

He chose KFC for supper. He had presents that he loved (foam to cut, cards to rip, a new sign, new headphones, McD card and money) and people he loves to have cupcakes with him. He sang “Happy Birthday” to himself. And then he disappeared into his room for quiet time.

For him, it was perfect.

Before autism, I dreamed of parties with lots of kids, lots of noise, games… You know what I mean. After autism, I struggled to change my dreams into a happy reality for Casey and Rob. When they were little, their cousins came to their birthdays, but it wasn’t the same. I dreamed of friends for them.

Mandy had a few parties with friends and Casey and Rob were always included. But I wondered – did they ever wonder why she had so many friends and they didn’t? Did they feel lonely? Casey has always been more self-confident and has never seemed to care about having friends. As long as she gets to go places, she is happy. (and by places, I mean – to the park to walk or to the pool – nothing too fancy 🙂 ) Rob has always wanted the approval of others. And still does – that’s why anxiety is such an issue for him.

Autism will change your idea of what is fun, too. If you let it, autism can be an amazing teacher. Living with it will show you that what kind of car you drive isn’t important, as long as it gets you where you want to go. It will teach you that new and different foods aren’t that important and that there is comfort in sameness. Autism will slow your life down. You will learn to love and brag about the smallest steps forward your child takes – and you will appreciate those steps more than many “typical” parents will, simply because you know the struggle it took to get there.

My expectations of huge birthday parties has changed. Holidays are different than I thought they would be when I had kids. I don’t take long vacations anywhere. I don’t have a date when I will be “free” and the kids living on their own. I know every one of you has dreams for your child – expectations you planned on. Maybe you thought you would be sitting in the stands watching your child play football. Maybe you thought your child would take center stage in a musical. Don’t give up those dreams, entirely – just adjust them. I constantly tell people they have no idea what life will be like for their child. You simply can’t know. You do your best with the information you have and you move on.

I never want you to give up on your child. Push them to try new things – to look away from the iPad – to taste a new food – to wear a new shirt. Small things add up quickly.

But – I also don’t want your expectations of what life would be like for your child to get in the way of what an amazing life you can have with autism. Autism is tough – you will never hear me say it’s easy. There are days you will want to cry and scream and give up. I know that. But – there is something good in every day, if you can stop the tears long enough to really look. Change your expectations of what a happy child looks like and you may see that your child is very happy right now. And if your child is happy, you have done a wonderful job as a parent. Pat yourself on the back!

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Autism and Age Appropriate Gifts

Autism and Age Appropriate Gifts

I was scrapbooking pictures from Casey’s birthday this morning and, of course, the picture with this post caught my attention. She was so happy and excited to get a new Bert! I have a whole series of photos that shows her excitement and that made my day! You know how you feel when you find that perfect gift for someone and you see their happy smile? I felt even happier than that.

But as I was putting her pages together (with her help – she loves bright colors and the more, the better! 🙂 ) I realized that lately, I’ve seen so many posts about buying only age appropriate gifts for people with special needs. Now, before we go on – there are thousands of people with autism or other special needs who only want age appropriate gifts and that’s awesome! Go for it! But – for many, what they like are items for younger people – or other obsessions that make no sense to anyone but that person. And that’s ok!

Before we drill age appropriate into too many heads, let’s stop and think about the craziness that occurred many years ago when Beanie Babies came out. Those people who were mobbing the stores to buy the stuffed toys were not children – why was it okay for those adults to buy Beanie Babies, but it isn’t okay for Casey to love Sesame Street?

Why is okay for people to collect comic books, but it’s not okay for Rob to want Wizard of Oz items? Which, by the way, are incredibly collectable to people of all ages! Why can’t he love Mighty Morphin Power Rangers when so many adults love The Avengers? (including me!) Who decides what is age appropriate, anyway?

Rob loves Legos – and I’ve seen hundreds of pictures of “typical” adults with their intricate Lego pieces. Casey loves color by number books – and how many adult coloring books are being sold now? Thousands! Rob wants metal signs and I see shows all the time where people are buying signs for their collections.

My point is – you need to do what’s right for your child. Too many people have too many opinions about how to raise other people’s children. Ignore them. If your child wants Barney videos, buy Barney videos. If your child wants a Cookie Monster shirt, buy a Cookie Monster shirt.

I do understand the reasoning behind pushing for age appropriate items. For many of our children, their “quirks” already make them stand out and if they are walking around with a Big Bird toy, they’ll grab even more attention. I get it. But – why should I try to change my kids to fit into a “normal” mode? As Dr. Seuss said, “Why fit in when you were born to stand out?” Stand out happily, brilliantly, awesomely! This works for us – no mold fits our family and I love it!

Casey and Rob don’t care about “normal.” They don’t care what others think of what they buy or what they wear. (Rob worries about people being upset with him, but doesn’t care about shallow opinions.) They want to be happy and get to choose their new things when we go to the store. They want Santa to bring them new toys and for the Easter Bunny to hide eggs with candy (Well, Casey wants the eggs hidden – he couldn’t care less).

Remember – this is how our family feels. You need to think about each child differently, as some will only want the same things as others their age. It all depends on the person and their abilities. Casey does like getting clothes, but she doesn’t care about the brand of jeans she wears. Neither would want new phones or other gadgets many people their age would want. Your child might want those things. I’m in no way saying that what makes Casey and Rob happy is what everyone needs to do.

I’m just wishing that people would stop worrying about what they think I “should” buy for Casey and Rob. I would never dream of telling another parent what they should purchase for their child – why in the world do people feel it’s okay to tell me because they have autism?

Rob’s Easter basket included packs of cards, packages of clay and craft foam. He was so happy! He was busy for hours, cutting and ripping. Some would say it’s a waste of money to buy things he’s just going to rip up. I say, he’s happy and it’s his money, so leave him alone. Casey had very simple Easter crafts to do. Some might say they were too childish for her – but she was happy to paint her bunny figurine and it’s proudly sitting on her dresser now.

So don’t let anyone tell you what you “should” be buying for your child. Who cares what they think, anyway? What you want is to see a beautiful smile when they open their gift, just like the one on Casey’s face as she holds her new Bert. 🙂