As you can imagine, I follow many pages on Facebook and Pinterest that deal with autism or being an autism mom. So far, I haven’t found any others written by a parent with adult children with autism, but I’m sure I will. Most days, these posts make me laugh – or cringe as I remember some of the things my kids did. One I read today really got to me.
This mom was having a terrible day. Her son attacks her when he is frustrated and her entire day had been trying to calm him down and avoid getting hurt. You could tell by the post she was exhausted and was at the end of her rope. What she was really ranting about, though, was what a “friend” said to her.
Honestly, I’m sure the friend meant well. She said to the autism mom, “Well, God only gives special children to special people, so you are lucky.” And autism mom was ticked off. She didn’t want to hear stuff like that when she felt like her world was falling apart. Been there, done that.
It was a Sunday morning. Even though I was exhausted beyond belief, Casey wanted to go to church. Rob did, too, but only so we could go to McDonalds afterwards. At the time, the church had a ministry for people with special needs, so they had their own class to go to while I attended the service.
I took the kids to their classroom and waited for my parents. As soon as I saw them, I started to cry – and spent the next hour in my friend’s office, crying to my parents. You know the story – too tired, too stressed, tired of dealing with everything. I just wanted some sleep. Of course, had I let on to any of this before I had my meltdown, mom and dad would have taken the kids and I would have gotten sleep…. but… there’s that whole asking for help thing.
Finally, I got myself under control and we were leaving the church. A woman came up to me, saw what a mess I was, gave me a hug and said, “God only gives special needs children to very special people. You are chosen.” Hmmm… yep… and that woman about got a smack in the mouth. Who the heck did she think she was? I stood there, praying, “Please, God, don’t let me slap her. Please let me get out of here.” Luckily, Casey and Rob had left the building and I could leave quickly.
Now, I know she was just trying to help. She didn’t know what to say and was only trying to make me feel better. Now, I can appreciate the effort. Then, I seriously wanted to smack her. She had no clue what my life was like and she had no clue what God wanted to do.
Most of the time, hearing that special people quote doesn’t bother me. I can smile and nod and go about my business. Sometimes, though, I really wonder why I was chosen to be the mom to these amazing kids. I am told God knew what he was doing. Sometimes, I ask God if He is sure He knows who I am. And I laugh, because laughing is better than crying. I know God knows what He is doing – it’s just our little joke.
Maybe God brought autism into my life because I was a shy kid who was incredibly stubborn and who had a bit of a temper. Maybe He knew that fighting for my kids would bring me out of the shyness and let me find my voice. Maybe He knew that my stubbornness and temper would come in handy. When people said the kids wouldn’t do something, I made them keep trying. Will they always accomplish every goal? Of course not! Who does?
But their stubborn mom won’t let them quit. When I was told they would probably never be potty trained, I couldn’t imagine changing diapers forever and stubbornly kept at it. I’m quite sure it wasn’t my stubbornness that got them to understand using the bathroom – it was their own ability, given a chance to mature. As difficult as it was to potty train them, I wish this was something all kids learned. So many people with autism are unable to do it. Personally, I think this inability has more to do with sensory issues than not understanding.
I will never know why God chose to make me an autism mom. I will never know if I’m doing the right things for Casey, Mandy or Rob. I’ve done the best I could – and prayed a lot. I’ve admitted when I was wrong, but I also stubbornly stood up to professionals whenever any of the three kids needed me to. I refused to take no for an answer at times. I didn’t back down.
I have been told that I’ve helped many families with decisions for their children. I’m not sure about that. I told them what I thought – and I told them how to fight, if they needed to know that. The truth is, my autism mom friends have taught me just as much. We learn from each other about fighting, about services, about grace, about school, about relationships. Sometimes, all we need is someone who understands obsessive eating or sensory meltdowns to listen to our problems. I know none of my friends will say the special children quote to me. I know which friend will get mad along with me. I know which will be a reasonable voice in my anger. I know which will say she doesn’t know what to do but she’ll do it with me, whatever I decided.
I wish I knew why God blessed each of you to be an autism mom or dad or family member. It can be a blessing, as much as a challenge. I know about black days. I know sometimes black days are black weeks or months. I wish those days wouldn’t happen, but even people who aren’t dealing with autism have dark days. Don’t let yourself become completely focused on autism. Focus on your child and remember, he/she is a child/person first. Autism is just a part of them.
Be angry when you need to. Cry. Ask for help. Talk to friends – talk to God. He might not tell you why you are on this road, but He will walk with you. And if you need a sympathetic ear, I’m always looking for new autism mom/dad friends. Message me!
