How is that for a conflicting title? But, I mean it! How many times have I wished my kids wouldn’t have done what I said? Because, as with many people with autism, Casey and Rob take what they hear very literally. There is no gray – if they hear it, it’s black and white.
The first time I realized this, Casey was about 5. I was trying to fix a bottle for Rob and Mandy wanted help with her baby doll. Casey wanted a drink – now! She only said drink a few times, but she was pacing around my legs as I was trying to help everyone. So I used the phrase my mom used on my brother and I – “Hold your pants on, Casey!”
And it worked! She finally stood still so I could get Rob’s bottle and help Mandy. When I turned to her, I was shocked to see her standing with her hands in her belt loops – holding her pants on. Casey had no idea why her goofy mom told her to do that, but since that’s what I said, that’s what she did. This was lesson that I’ve had a hard time learning as it seems I am constantly trying to remember to say exactly what I mean.
When Rob was 9, a new roof was being put on our house. My only job was to watch him. He loved tools and he loved climbing. You guessed it – I turned my back for 2 seconds and he was gone. I ran to the back of the house and he was gone. I looked up to see him sitting on the edge of the roof, gigging. Before I could think, I yelled, “Rob, get DOWN!” Now, of course, I meant, use the ladder right beside him, but no, he got down. He jumped from the roof, landed in the pile of old shingles and rusty nails, did a perfect somersault and took off.
I try, I really do, to say just what I mean, but it’s hard! How many times a day do you say a phrase that everyone around you understands, but your child looks at you like you are crazy? How about “It’s raining cats and dogs” or that someone is the “apple of your eye?” It’s hard and our language is full of phrases like this.
Casey used to have a bad habit of dropping all of her clean clothes on a chair in her room. I went in and told her to put her clothes away. An hour or so later, the clothes were still on the chair, so again, I told her to put them away. A while later, I went back in to see she hadn’t touched a thing. So I said, “Casey, get those clothes off of that chair, right now!” How many of you know what happened? Yes – you are right. When I went to check on her, the clothes were off the chair and on the floor! I don’t want to know how many times I have said this to her – and how many times the result is the same. You would think I would learn.
So learn from my mistakes. Always stop and think before you speak. Make sure you say exactly what you mean. Remember, they hear in black and white – no gray areas. If you say it, they will believe you mean it. Don’t generalize because that is something that is really hard for most people with autism to understand. Say what you want/need in as few words as possible and be clear.
And when you do tell your child something and they do exactly what you say, laugh with them. It’s not their fault that you are don’t say what you mean – or that you say it in an unclear way. It’s just part of the autism that we all have to be more patient with.
What phrases have you used with your loved ones?
Have a Happy and Blessed Easter!
