Tag: autism parents

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Autism and Difficulty Reading Facial Expressions

Autism and Difficulty Reading Facial Expressions

So many times, I’ve heard people express their amazement that Casey and Rob each have a sense of humor – that they are deeply aware of people and react to what happens around them.  I know it’s because for years, people with autism were believed to not feel emotion or any sense of connection with others.  It’s one if the biggest myths of autism.

What Casey and Rob really have trouble with is reading facial expressions.  Actually, I’m not sure that’s right.  Maybe they can read faces, but they read people better and, often, people may be smiling while they are mad (to hide true feelings) or crying when they are happy.  (And in my case, when I’m furious, I cry.  Ugh!)

Imagine how hard it would be to understand facial expressions if people didn’t look sad every time they felt sad.  Or when people force smiles.  If you can’t ask questions about why people do such things, how would you ever be able to understand?

When Rob gets confused about how people feel versus what he sees, he gets very anxious and will try to leave the situation.  He will rub at his cheeks and begin to rock and hum.  When Casey doesn’t understand, she giggles. 

We were in Wal-Mart several years ago and a mom in the check out beside us wasn’t being very nice to her kids.  She had a toddler who was crying.  Crying babies and children are sure to make Casey giggle. She’s not laughing at the child, but rather, she’s nervous about why the child is crying.  I tried to explain that the mom was trying to help the child and told Casey to stop staring.

Meanwhile, that… Umm… Woman…  Yelled at her kids and noticed Casey giggling.  She yelled at her and when I tried to explain she had autism, she got really nasty.  At one point, she threatened to throw a two liter bottle at Casey to shut her up.   I, in my usual grace and kindness, replied with a not so nice threat of my own.  Casey giggled louder, Rob was trying to run, and I was seeing red.

A manager actually came over and dealt with that witch and I got us out of the store.  Once we were home and calmed down, Casey asked about mad baby.  I told her the woman was just not happy and that she didn’t need to worry about seeing her again. The thing is, had Casey been able to recognize the situation easier, she wouldn’t have been giggling or caught that woman’s attention.

I have discovered that if I show Casey and Rob pictures of people showing emotions, they can both tell me happy, sad, mad, tired, scared.  But if they see that same person making the same face in person, they have a much harder time.  I can only assume that they are picking up other signals from the person that may not match their facial expressions.  It’s also confusing to them that they can make a “mad” face while they aren’t actually mad, but playing or taking selfies of themselves.  (I have several sets of each of them making faces at the phone and taking pics!  🙂 )  If you can make a mad face while you are having fun, then how do you know that the person making the mad face in the store isn’t having fun, too?

It may also be harder for them to focus on a person’s whole face and not just one part at a time.  While they will both look in your eyes, neither will look long.  Casey has told me that eye’s move and she doesn’t like it.  Rob has never said why he doesn’t like to look in anyone’s eyes for a long time.  Maybe if they are focused on whether the mouth is smiling, they can’t notice the feelings in the person’s eyes.  For many people, the mouth is the first part they focus on – is it smiling?  frowning?   But, again, if your mouth doesn’t match your emotions, how can a person know?

Imagine seeing a friend who is smiling, but tears are falling and you can’t communicate your concerns.  Would you assume the person is happy because of their smile or sad because of their tears?   Add to that the social anxiety that so many people with autism feel anyway and you may just walk away without ever figuring out how they felt.  I’m sure I would – just in case they were sad, I wouldn’t wan to upset them anymore.

The sad part is, this isn’t something you can teach your child.  Because this time, tears may be happy, but next time, they may be sad.  This time, the person may be angry, but next time, they may be teasing.  Facial expression recognition may be something your child with autism will never comprehend.  It’s not concrete – it’s constantly changing from one person to the next.  What about the person who always looks angry?  Or the one that fakes at being happy all the time?  Your child will know and it will just add to the confusion.

If your child gets anxious easily, trying to decipher facial expressions may just be too much for them and that’s okay.  Even some “typical” people are oblivious to the expressions of others.  If your child is able, you may be able to help them learn to ask if someone is happy or mad or sad.  Or you can just help them understand that it’s hard for a lot of people and they just need to be kind.

Who knows?  Seeing everyone wearing masks might make things easier for our kids.  They can focus on the emotion they see in another person’s eyes and not the conflict between the eyes and mouth.  Or they can learn to treat people as they are being treated and move on.  Some things may never be understood and that’s okay for all of us.   🙂

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Autism and Little Tiny Steps Forward

Autism and Little Tiny Steps Forward

Yesterday, I heard about a Fountain of Dogs that a city not far from us has and decided to take Casey and Rob today. Casey had already asked about going for a long hike and I knew it was just too hot, so we went to the fountain instead. I knew she would like it just because we went somewhere and I thought he would because it’s water.

It is just as it’s described. A fountain with dogs in and around it – all spraying water at the center where a giant golden bone is displayed. She was laughing as soon as she saw it. He walked quietly to it and just stood there. I could almost see his shoulders relax as he watched the water sprays. Soon, he was sitting on the edge. He didn’t smile. He didn’t touch the water. He just watched. And his body became even more relaxed. When a bench in the shade became available, he moved to it and again, he was the picture of complete relaxation.

Casey, of course, had to get her picture taken with several dogs and had to try the drinking fountains (they were off because of the virus, I am assuming). She had to walk all the way around the fountain. I sat on a bench near Rob and enjoyed the fountain. As I watched them, though, it occurred to me that it wasn’t too long ago a trip like this would not have been a good idea.

For one thing, keeping Rob out of water has never been easy. He is drawn to it (aren’t many of our kids??) and can’t resist putting his hands in. He did dip his fingers this morning, but he made no effort to jump in the fountain. When he was little, I would have been sitting on him to keep him out – and Casey, too, probably. Visiting the fountain would have been an epic failure.

And – I let Casey walk around by herself. The fountain is on the corner of two busy streets (but, it’s Sunday, so not as much traffic) and even a few years ago, I wouldn’t have let her get that far from me – especially near streets. She has a history of bolting when she sees something she wants. But, today, I sat in the shade and watched her wander around and check out all of the dogs. She got right down beside a few of them and looked right in their eyes. (She even sat on a few!) Rob watched the water and never said a word.

As I sat there, I wished that the other people who were there had a clue just how huge this was for us. I wished someone else could see them enjoying something so simple – and that I was enjoying it, too. I wasn’t trying to keep her from bumping into people (she really doesn’t watch where she is going!). I wasn’t fighting to keep him out of the water. I wasn’t trying to keep him quiet. I was sitting – just like the other parents. It’s an odd feeling.

I thought of the many, many times we had to leave somewhere before everyone was ready because of autism. Whether it was a sensory overload or a meltdown from hunger or heat that they couldn’t communicate to me. Maybe it was just too much for me to keep fighting to keep one safe while the other wanted to run. Maybe I just didn’t want to deal with the stares. There have been lots of reasons why we didn’t try (or didn’t stay long!). But today – all of those little, tiny steps forward were obvious.

And that’s one thing about autism. There are always steps forward. They may be incredibly small, but they are there. Maybe your son hung up his coat or your daughter took her dishes to the sink. Maybe someone learned to put on their socks or grab their backpack as they left the house. Everything that so many other parents take for granted – we celebrate! Because, we all know, for every step forward, there will be one back. Sometimes, it feels like you are just stuck in the same place – no progress, no improvements, no reason to celebrate. I’ve felt that way – many times.

The funny thing is, I remember one particular rough time. It seemed like neither was making any progress – that we had been working on the same darn things forever and a day and weren’t getting anywhere. I was tired – fed up – discouraged – done. I just didn’t have the energy to care about those baby steps anymore. But, my aunt and uncle were visiting from Minnesota and we went to my mom and dad’s house to see them. (Honestly, I was ready to say “nope, ain’t coming” but I really missed my aunt and uncle, so I dragged the kids out of our house.) Anyway, while we were there, Rob was upstairs doing Rob stuff and Casey was sitting in the chair, smiling.

I was flopped on the couch next to my aunt when she said she just couldn’t believe how different they were from when she had seen them several months ago. I remember just looking at her wondering what she meant. She went on and on about the differences – how calm she was – how she was willing to talk a little more – how he looked at her when my aunt said hi to him – how quiet he was upstairs. And I was ashamed of myself. I couldn’t see the forest for the trees, apparently. Once someone else pointed out their progress, I could easily see it. Sometimes, it takes an outsider to show us just how much progress our kids make – every day!

When you are living the slow, steady path with all of the setbacks we see, it’s hard to see that your child is going forward! It’s happened to me, many times. You get so blinded by the long lists of what they can’t or won’t do, you forget there is a long list of what they can do! (Personally, this is one reason I hated IEP meetings so much. They were always about what Casey and Rob couldn’t do – not what they could! I thank God that their teachers always started with the list of awesome things they could do to start off. I wish all teachers could do that!) You forget that last week, he couldn’t make his bed or she couldn’t rinse her hair.

You forget that you couldn’t let go of their hands for fear they would take off. You forget that they can shower on their own and fold their clothes. You forget that they say “Hi” and name the person they are talking to. You forget that they stand for the flag and the National Anthem. You are too busy remembering he can’t tie his shoes and she can’t count money.

I encourage each of you to stop thinking about the can’ts for a few minutes and look how far your child has come. Enjoy every single one of those baby steps forward – shout it from the rooftops! Brag on Facebook! Send out texts – let everyone know about the steps forward! Those little steps are just as important as the big ones – and acknowledging those steps will keep you going during the rougher times.

Maybe one day, you will be able to sit by a fountain as your daughter explores the area and your son quietly relaxes in the shade. Nothing is impossible! 🙂

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Autism and Black and White Thinking – No Gray Areas

Autism and Black and White Thinking – No Gray Areas

Anyone who has spent time with a person with autism knows that their minds tend to work one way – very literal. They believe what you say – exactly as you say it. I still manage to say things that everyone around me would understand but that Casey and Rob take exactly as I say it.

Last week, when I washed the kids’ sheets, Rob put his on the bed and carefully put his pillows in his pillowcases. I asked Casey if she needed help or if hers were on her bed. “On bed.” So I asked if she was ready for bed. “Yes.” Two days later, I discover that her sheets are indeed on the bed – but mixed up in a pile of blankets, not actually on her bed. I pointed to them and asked why she didn’t put them on her bed. She looks at me like I’m crazy and says, “On bed.” Okay, true, they are on the bed. And I realized again that while I did say what I meant, I didn’t actually mean what I said.

Yesterday, Mandy and I were finally able to find time to take Casey and Rob to a state park swimming – with 5 dogs. Obviously, all of us would be a tight fit in one car so we split up. She was driving behind us. We had only been driving a few miles when I noticed that Rob was getting worked up. He was in the backseat and beginning to rock a little faster than is usual for him. I watched him a few minutes to see if he would calm down, but he only got more upset. When I finally asked him what he needed – Mandy! I had told them Mandy was going “with” us – and we left her at our house! She wasn’t in the car, too, so she wasn’t with us. He calmed down when I told him we couldn’t all fit and that Mandy was driving behind us. But he did have to keep turning around to check on her! 🙂

Or how about the time I told a much younger Casey to “hold her pants on” (meaning – wait a minute) only to turn around and see her holding onto the belt loops of her jeans, probably wondering the whole time why holding her pants would get her juice poured faster.

Or when I said Rob had a frog in his throat? Or that he was a little hoarse? It’s raining cats and dogs (that one really freaked Casey out!) Or asked Casey to get her clothes off of her chair (meaning – put them away!) – so she put them on the floor. And the list could go on for miles. And all I can do is laugh, because they do exactly as I tell them. There is no room for anything other than literal terms.

They don’t lie. If they don’t like something, they tell me. I made a chicken dip once and asked Casey if she liked it. “yes.” I asked if it was as good as Mandy’s. “No.” She saw no reason not to tell me – or any reason as to why Mandy’s is better. Never ask a person with autism anything that you don’t want the truth from. I actually like taking Casey with me to try on new outfits – she will always voice her opinion. She may not understand general questions, but I can say, “Does this shirt look pretty on Mommy?” and she will tell me. 🙂

On a side note – never ask if you are looking fat, tired, dirty or anything else negative, if you are hoping for a bump in your self-confidence. If you look it, they will tell you. And that’s on no one but you. 🙂

I would say that learning to be careful what you say is one of the hardest lessons for an autism parent. We all grow up with family sayings and we use them all the time. But people with autism have a hard time understanding that you don’t always mean exactly what you say – especially when you are constantly telling them they need to communicate so you can help them. It’s a difficult position to be in.

It’s hard to be always thinking about what you are saying and how to say it clearly for people with autism. Some days, Casey and Rob “get it” on the first try and other days, I might as well be talking to a wall. Either I’m not being clear enough or they just don’t care and see no reason to continue listening. (And, really, isn’t that an awesome gift? To just be able to not care and not worry that you are hurting someone’s feelings by not listening? 🙂 ) While I have worked with them since they were little to never be mean or rude, some things are just a part of their autism and I will never be able to change that. Honestly, I don’t want to – I want them to keep their independent thinking and their ability to shut out things they don’t want to hear.

Communication is often one of the hardest parts of living with autism. You have to learn to speak like an adult to one person with autism and be more childlike with another, but not so childlike that they feel you are talking “down” to them. I have a hard time with Casey and Rob at times. I find myself talking to them as kids instead of the adults they are. So I’ve learned to talk like an adult with a child’s enthusiasm and short, clear sentences. Neither of them like long rambling directions or stories. Short and to the point – details aren’t needed unless they ask.

Trust me – no matter how careful you are with what you say, you will get it wrong at some point. You will say “head over heels” or “pull someone’s leg” or “cost an arm and a leg” and you will completely freak out your child with autism. “It’s a piece of cake” will get a glare when there is obviously no cake. (Yep – I’ve said that a time or two. Casey is never pleased.)

So not only will you have to learn an entire new language of medical, educational and government terms (IEP, ISP, OT, PT, MFE, and on and on and on) you will have to unlearn a lifetime of things that you have said often without even thinking. (I’ve also noticed that every part of the country has it’s own sayings!) Or maybe not unlearn it – just learn to be careful when you say it. Sometimes, the results are funny, like Casey trying to pry Rob’s mouth open to see the frog. Other times, it just makes a bad situation worse.

I know I’ve had my share of laughs over my choices of words. I know I still (after 32 years of living with autism!) say things without thinking and then wonder why in the world the kids didn’t do as I asked. (Because I didn’t actually say what I meant, of course!) It makes life interesting some days and very frustrating others, but as long as we can eventually laugh about it, who cares?

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Autism and Mom Guilt

Autism and Mom Guilt
Autism and Mom Guilt

Later today, we finally be celebrating my niece’s high school graduation.  The party is at her grandparent’s house.  I’m feeling so guilty because I’m not taking Rob.

He is welcome, of course, and no one would mind his noises.  But, we were there the other night and he “claimed” a spot in their living room as his safe place.  Bill and Reeva don’t care, as they love him.  But – I can’t be sure he won’t go looking for things to rip up, so I will be constantly running in to check on him.  And I just don’t want to.

Yeah, I know that makes me sound terrible.  Tracie is going to help keep an eye on them, but I don’t want her stuck in the house with Rob.  She is family and should be able to relax and visit, too.  And, the weather is supposed to be stormy off and on all day.  And, I am just not feeling very patient today.  I just want to talk to people.  Selfish?  Yeah, but that’s how I feel.

Last night, I found out Mandy’s plans had changed for the day and she told me to ask him if he would rather go to her house.  Truthfully, I know he would much rather do that.  She is even going to take him out for supper somewhere.  He will be happier.  I will be happier.  Casey will be happier.

I still feel guilty.

I am a firm believer in people with autism pushing their limits.  They need to experience life and all the joy that comes with it.  They need love and support to learn about the world.  I think I do a pretty good job of pushing them.

Today, I just don’t want to.

Today, I want to take pictures of Lacey and her party guests.  I want to sit down and actually eat a meal.  I’m not sure when I did that last.  Probably lunch with Tracie on Thursday.  I want to laugh with my brother and talk to people.

I want to watch Casey have fun.  I want to wonder what she is thinking as she watches other people.  (Though, honestly, much of what she is thinking is – I’ll sneak another cookie when mom isn’t looking.  😊  Her mom isn’t as blind as she thinks!)  I want to help with anything Lacey needs or just sit and watch clouds go by.

My head knows I’m doing the right thing by taking him to Mandy’s.  He will love having her all to himself and she will spoil him.  He doesn’t really want to go to the party, anyway.

But… My heart is worried that he’ll think he isn’t wanted or welcome there.  My heart aches that he ever feel that way.  As so the war between head and heart rages.  I hate it.

I wish he was able to say he doesn’t want to go – or that he does!  It’s silly, of course, as I know Rob.  A choice between this party and Mandy is a no brainer – he will always pick her.  I feel guilty because I’m not asking him. I’m just doing what I think is best.  As a mom, that’s what I do.

But, he’s an adult and should be given choices.  And yeah, I know – he is a child in many ways and still needs guidance.  I just always try to give them choices whenever is possible.

I hate mom (or dad!) guilt.

I can hear Mandy’s voice in my head – get over it, mom.  He doesn’t want to go to the party.  😊  So that’s my plan. I still feel guilty not asking him what he wants to do.

But one thing I have learned over 30 years of living with autism… Sometimes, you gotta do what’s best for you and your other kids.  Today – that means Rob will be going to Mandy’s to be spoiled while Casey and I go celebrate Lacey.

It’s hard to do, but please – throw away the guilt and do what’s best for you sometimes.  You deserve it – you need it.

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Autism and Toxic People

Autism and Toxic People

For some reason, I’ve seen a lot of posts this week about toxic people. You know the kind – the ones that are hard to be around because they are never happy and seem to bring out the worse in the people they are around. Or, in the case of people with autism, they think you can “discipline” the autism out of a person or that the autism and everything that comes with it are made up. I’m sure you know people like this.

This week, the question seems to be what to do if a person like this is a member of your family. As unbelievable as it is to me, I’ve actually seen conversations that wonder if it really hurts their child with autism if someone doesn’t accept them – or if a family member “means well” but is still not a positive influence for the child. I don’t care who that person is – your child deserves to be treated with love and respect. If a family member can’t do it, then avoid that person. Simple as that.

Even if your child can’t say something hurts them, you should know that if it would hurt you to hear it, then it hurts your child. Just because they can’t talk, does not mean they can’t hear and feel! I can tell by the way Casey and Rob are acting if they are getting upset. Or by the look in their eyes. Or if they really don’t want to spend time with someone. And I follow their lead. I refuse to force them to be around people who cannot love and accept them for the amazing people they are.

I know there are a lot of families out there with people who just think if you would discipline your child more or if you would stop “babying” them, the autism would disappear. Often, it seems to be older people, as when they were children, no one had ever heard of autism – people with disabilities were either put in homes or kept out of sight in the family home. They didn’t go to school. They didn’t go to church. They were hidden. So, I can sort of understand why elderly people think they way they do… but that does not mean I’ll let anyone be mean to my kids. Love us as we are or get out of our lives.

There are a few family members that Rob has issues with. Luckily, these are not people he is around often and when he is, it is for a very short amount of time. Casey doesn’t have the same reaction as Rob does. If she is hurt by someone, she tends to avoid that person and ignores them when she does have to be around them. She also has a tougher skin than Rob does and doesn’t take things personally like he does.

He will get anxious and loud and the more the person tries to get close to him, the louder he will get. It can last for hours when he gets home and nothing I can say will convince him that he is an awesome young man and that person who was mean to him is an idiot. So – we avoid. I let him take the lead. If he doesn’t want to see someone, he doesn’t go. There have been times that I know he doesn’t want to go, but he won’t let Casey go by herself, so he reluctantly will follow her. It is truly amazing to see the love and care he has for her.

I know it isn’t easy to avoid family members, sometimes. You can always try to educate those people – let them know that you aren’t babying your child when you bring their favorite foods to family meals. Explain why you do it – because of sensory issues. Try to explain a few times, then drop it. If that person is rude enough to continue commenting about you giving in to your child, then tell them to back off. Some people will never understand and you can’t let your child suffer because of it. Either avoid that person or stand up to them. To protect your child, you don’t have many choices.

And you have to protect your child! Yeah, I know it’s easier to avoid confrontation. But – what’s the cost? Your child’s self-esteem and happiness. Are you really going to let some jerk destroy that? I know you are overwhelmed at times and the path of least resistance is always desirable. But, the damage that can be done to your child is unimaginable. You have to protect them!

I will admit – there have been many times that I was one of the least liked people in the room. I didn’t like that feeling, but I had to be that person to keep Casey and Rob safe. I had to make phone calls that no parent wants to make. I had to go to meetings and struggle not to scream at people. Most autism parents have been in that place. Fun, isn’t it?

But – Casey and Rob, Mandy and Cory always come first. I will stand up for them and defend them against anyone. That’s what a mom does, after all – or what a parent should do. It won’t be easy to avoid toxic family members and I doubt you will like doing it (although, I will admit – there are a few people that I joyfully avoid now! 🙂 ) but you have to think of your child’s well-being first, last and always.

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Autism, OCD and Anxiety

Autism, OCD and Anxiety

Over the last few days, I have definitely seen an increase in OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) in both Casey and Rob. It hasn’t reached a point where I need to call their doctor. It isn’t interfering with their lives (that’s how the doctor and I decide it’s time to do something – when the obsessions really interfere with their routines), but it’s more present than it has been for a long time.

Rob’s love of magazines had really loosened. It used to be that he wanted any magazine he saw (though he never tried to buy them at store – only when he was in elementary school. He loved looking at country music magazines and purchased many of those.) and would put up a fight if I told him to put them back. He finally got to the point that he wanted the magazines, but he understood that he couldn’t have every one that he saw.

I got three magazines in the mail last week. Unfortunately, he saw them and decided he wanted them and nothing was going to stop him. I told him as soon as I was finished, he could have them, but that wasn’t enough. He was gone for a few hours that evening and when he got home, he went after them again. I gave him the two I was finished with, but that wasn’t good enough. He wanted them all. He took his shower and literally sat by me on the couch with his hand on the magazine while I tried to read and enjoy it. And he repeated… “one two three magazines. one two three magazines. one two three magazines” until I thought I would scream.

I finally gave it to him and sent him to bed. The next morning, while he was still sound asleep, I quietly took that magazine back so I could read part of it again. When he stumbled out of his room later, he went right to the stand by the couch and grabbed it back. He did put it back, but he was anxious until I was finished and he could have it back.

He has also become very concerned about all of the window locks being turned the same way and other items in their proper places (according to him! :)) I’ve seen it all before. As his anxiety levels go up, his OCD gets more controlling. As well as he has done with this stay at home stuff, I think he is about done. He hasn’t mentioned Hopewell and he is doing amazing in everything else, but the increase in OCD is a sign.

Casey has decided that she can only wear a certain pair of black shorts most days. One day last week, I had just put them in the dryer when she wanted to get dressed. She refused to put anything else on until I told her we would not go for a walk until she got dressed (she had a shirt and socks laying out – apparently, she wasn’t going to put anything on until she got her shorts). As soon as the shorts came out of the dryer, she changed. I thought maybe she needed new shorts, so she went shopping Friday and bought three new pairs. But, this morning, she wanted those same black shorts. She has decided the new shorts are “good” and can’t be worn at home.

She has always patted certain things – her socks, her shoes, the floor in front of the closet, door frames. This morning, I noticed she couldn’t come to breakfast until she tapped the coffee table, the drawers in both end tables, the drawer in the hutch, then the mirror on the hutch and then the floor in the living room. She seems happy – but that much touching is a sign that her anxiety and need for routine is growing.

I am so proud of both of them for how well they have handled the stay at home order. I never in a million years dreamed Rob would be okay with his routine being so drastically changed. He hasn’t even mentioned Hopewell since the end of March! It’s a huge help that they get to see Bob and Reagan a few times a week, but still, I think they are ready to get back to their routine.

I worry about that, though. If and when their day hab opens, it will be different. They will have to stay in a small group with two staff. They won’t be able to wander around the building and they will be asked to wear masks. ( I don’t think that will be a problem, but who knows?) They will not be riding their shuttle and their day will be shorter. And, as much as I think they want to go back, I can’t help but wonder if they really do. Casey says yes, but I can’t ask Rob without him thinking they are going right now – and then asking every few minutes for Hopewell. I can’t do that to him – or me. I think they have had fun staying with me, but fun with mom only goes so far. 🙂

I’m not ready to call their doctor, yet. Right now, the anxiety and OCD are coming out as little quirks more than anything else. We are rarely in a hurry to go any where so Casey can pat all she wants. And if he likes the windows locked, I’ll say it’s for our safety. (Some of his habits are handy – he wipes up spilled water and folds laundry neatly! 🙂 ) What I really wish is that they were able to tell me what they are feeling – what they would like to do – what I can do to help. Some days, the communication issues with autism are the worse part. I hate not being able to help them.

At this point, he has been on repeat with long black train. He isn’t upset – he’s just talking. The weather changed drastically yesterday and I’m sure that is partly to blame, but really, he is just stimming. I’d like to think that going for a walk would help, but I doubt it will. We are going to my mom and dad’s for supper later and I’m sure that will break his repetitions, at least until we get home again. 🙂

I hope all of you are doing okay and staying healthy. I also hope that the people you love with autism are handling the changes as well as Casey and Rob are. This “new normal” is hard enough for typical people to understand. I wish people understood that it’s a hundred times harder explaining it to someone with communication issues. We will get through it with lots of walks and now that the weather has finally gotten warmer, we can go on longer hikes and explore new places. Casey and Rob both enjoy that so hopefully, that will help their anxiety and OCD.

Stay safe!

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Autism and a Well-Deserved Pat on the Back

Nine years ago, Rob graduated from high school. It’s been 11 years for Mandy and 13 (how is that possible??) for Casey. Whether your child is graduating from high school, college, or preschool this year, stop and give yourself a pat on the back. School isn’t always easy for families with autism. I know there were many times when I just wanted school to be done. I didn’t really care what happened when school was done – I was just so tired of dealing with it. Even during the easier times, it was always in the back of my mind – when will the stuff hit the fan, again?

In many ways, Casey had a much harder time in school than Rob did. Her sensory meltdowns scared other children and made it harder for them to want to be friends. Not that she cared. She was her own world and, in many ways, still is. She likes herself just the way she is and if you don’t like her, that’s your problem, not hers. (I’ve learned to be a lot more like her in this respect! 🙂 )

And – Casey was the first student with moderate autism (and major behaviors!) that many in the school district had ever met. They simply had no idea what to do with her. I wasn’t much help, at that time. Autism was still relatively new for me, too. So, every year, the battles between me and the school started again. Once she had a better teacher, it was often the teacher, aide and I against the school. Honestly, I never realized what a bad position that put Stacey and Karen in – I can’t believe I never thought of that. But – it was so good to have others see how amazing Casey was. She just needed the right supports.

Rob was mellow. He followed along with his classmates and he loved his aide and his teacher. He had a big group of boys that played with him and helped him navigate the social parts of school. He still talks about those boys and I hope so much that they know how much they mean to us! Rob had his own difficulties, but since Casey had already opened many eyes, his needs were quickly met. (again – an amazing teacher and aides!) Autism was becoming more known by then, too.

Despite her sensory meltdowns, Casey participated in more school activities than Rob did. She loved being part of the musical programs that they school held. Because we knew the crowd noise would be too much for her, she practiced with her class and I was invited to attend the final rehearsal so I could watch her. She didn’t attend the actual evening performance. And that was okay – she didn’t care because she got to sing at school.

They both participated in their 6th grade graduation and awards day. She was excited and followed directions carefully. He was not happy – too many people were watching him. His aide walked with him to get his certificates and he ran back to his class. And that was okay, too. Had he decided not to walk up at all, that would have been okay. Don’t sweat the small stuff, you know.

Casey was even a part of her high school graduation. She wore a dress (oh my Gosh!) and her cap and gown. I sat in the audience feeling like I was going to get sick at any moment. I just knew she was going to throw her hat or flip her dress over her head – something. It was so hot in that gym and I’m telling you – the speeches were the longest of my life. I just wanted it to be done before she got upset. I knew it was silly to worry as her teachers were close by if she needed them. But still…. In the end, she was fine. She proudly stood in line and walked across the stage. However, the look on her face when she was handed her diploma was priceless. You could see her thinking “this is what the fuss is about? a piece of paper??” 🙂

We didn’t attempt graduation with Rob. His fear of crowds and inability to handle heat were going to be too much for him. And the fact that he didn’t want to do it. Simple as that. And that was okay. I didn’t really want to sit through that long ceremony, either. (On another note, Mandy didn’t attend her high school graduation, either. She attended our local career center and chose to go to their awards ceremony, instead.)

No matter where your child is today, please take a moment and acknowledge yourself and your hard work. Getting kids through school is never easy, but when it seems you are constantly fighting for therapies and adaptive services, it can seem like school will never, ever end. And when it does, a whole new scary world opens up. But, those are thoughts for another time.

Stop – right now – and think about something you had to fight for for your child. And remember that you got through it. As the saying goes, I’m scoring 100% for getting through tough times because I’m still here. There will always be something else your child needs, but the fights will not always be as difficult. Congratulate yourself for “graduating” with your child and enjoy every minute of celebration – whether you have a high school graduate or a child moving up a grade – celebrate! You did it! Your child can’t do it alone. You had a part in it – big or small, you helped them get to where they are! You deserve a high 5!

Congratulations for making it through another year of school… or for getting through this crazy stay at home stuff. You got this! Remember how lucky your child is to have you!

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Autism and Much Needed Life Skills

Autism and Much Needed Life Skills

I just read a blog about how parents (both typical and special needs) do not need to teach their children life skills. Honestly, I was shocked as I am one who believes every high school senior should take a Life Skills class that includes meal planning, budgeting, how to buy insurance, get utilities and balance a checkbook, for starters. Mandy has often told me she wished she had had a class like that, even with me teaching her skills at home. When it comes to autism, life skills seem to matter even less and it drives me crazy.

Will my kids ever live on their own? Probably not. BUT – wherever they live, they can help with household chores. Will they like it? Maybe not, but I don’t particularly like to laundry or cook, either. I do it anyway. And they help. They may not like it, but they do it. (When I ask her to do something, Casey often says “no” as she is getting up to do it! 🙂 )

We were so lucky. The teachers (Thanks, Stacey, Karen, Barb, Polly, Beth, Wendy, Jerri and so many others! 🙂 ) they had believed in life skills, too. I understood the need for some of their school lessons – math, reading, spelling. Rob enjoyed learning about states and Beth encouraged that. But even more than that, I wanted them to learn skills – real life, useful skills. When they were little, I had no idea whether they would ever have jobs, but it didn’t mean they couldn’t help at home.

It wasn’t easy and I had to modify what they did with their sensory issues. Rob couldn’t vacuum. It was simply too painful for him. Even though Casey had auditory issues, she liked to push the sweeper. (Usually with one finger pressed into her most sensitive ear). He liked to dust and wipe windows and mirrors. She enjoys folding laundry. Neither likes doing dishes (that may be hereditary and not autism as I hate it, too! 🙂 ) We spent a lot of time practicing and we still do with some things. Did I get tired of taking so long to do simple chores? Sure – many times. But it was important that they knew.

There so many things your child can help with around the house. What mine can do may not be possible for yours. I limit some of their help, for safety reasons. Rob has driven the riding mower (without the blades moving!) in slow speed several times and he seems to like it, despite the noise. However, I am walking beside him and reminding him to turn and to stop. No way would I trust him alone on it. Casey hasn’t even attempted as it’s not something that interests her.

They both know how to use the microwave, up to a point. We have an old one with a dial on it. I’ve marked where two minutes is and they both know never to turn the dial beyond that. They don’t use the stove – they have no idea that they can get burned and are both too careless. Instead, they help me with the “prep” work and I put food in the oven or take it off the stove. Rob really likes helping with pizza burgers and using the griddle to make pancakes.

Tonight is a perfect example of their help. I had been trying to write and download pictures and technical issues were causing major delays. Supper was going to be about 10 minutes late (oh my God! Not in this house of routines! 🙂 ). When I went to the kitchen, they were both carefully watching and I said it would be ready faster if they helped. As I cut the potatoes, Casey put cheese and bacon bits on them and Rob poured drinks for everyone. While they finished that, I started the dishes. She got plates from the shelf and he got forks. And their smiles – oh! They are so proud to help! (and probably happy that supper was almost ready! 🙂 )

When they finish, they take their plates to the sink and push in their chairs. It’s not a big deal to them, but sometimes, people are so amazed by it. Truly, it irritates me. Helping around the house shouldn’t be a big deal to any child! That’s what being part of a family means – we all pull together for the greater good.

You will have to decide what your child is capable of. And every child is capable of something, if they have someone patient enough to work with them over and over until they understand. Will they always want to help? Of course not – any more than you want to cook every day or mow the yard, but you do it. They can do it, too. Find something that is safe – maybe fold towels? And relax your standards for how the towels are folded! Rob folds them exactly opposite as I do, but you know what? They still get rolled and put away and he’s proud that he helped me.

Casey doesn’t fold shirts that way that I do. He wipes mirrors in circles before he goes back and forth. She sweeps the inside of the room, but misses the edges. He doesn’t pick up everything when he dusts. He sweeps every spot in his room – she could care less about hers until I remind her. She half-heartedly makes her bed – he sleeps in a pile of blankets. No one can see her room upstairs and he always has his door shut. There are more important things to worry about.

When you are discussing IEP goals with your child’s team, be sure to ask about life skills. Your child may never need to know history or chemistry, but folding a towel is important. This is something you can work on with the school!

Rob and Casey understand they need money to buy things. They have no idea where it comes from, beyond my purse. They understand when I tell them they don’t have enough money to buy something, but not necessarily the difference in the price and what cash they have. Rob understands three quarters will buy him a coke at Hopewell and that’s all he cares about. He knows he needs to take money when he goes with Bob, but he doesn’t care how much. Casey will count her money, but she counts it all as one dollar. To her, ten five dollar bills is the same as ten hundred dollar bills. She knows they have different numbers, but no matter how I try to show her, they are still just “dollar bills” to her.

Please, I know it’s easier for you to do things yourself, but it’s so important for your child to learn! Just imagine their smile as they bite into a cookie they helped make or their pride when you brag they folded the clean towels for you. That’s what is important, not the time it takes to teach them. Every one can learn.

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Autism and Elmo Tells the Truth

Autism and Elmo Tells the Truth

Did anyone else get to watch the Sesame Street special that was on TV last week? Elmo’s dad (I didn’t even know he had a dad! 🙂 ) helped him video call his friends because he was missing them so much. The TV screen even looked like a computer and the screen was split between Elmo and whoever he was talking to. Honestly, I only half-listened to it (I was using the quiet time for a marathon call with Tracie!) but it was a good show.

When we found out about the special, we wrote it on her calendar for Tuesday. I have discovered as long as she has something on her calendar every day, she stays fairly happy with being home instead of going to their day hab. Some days, I’ll be honest, what we are having for supper is all I can think of to write and she’s okay with that. She asked all day when Elmo would be on and if she had to wear PJ’s to watch. I told her it would be after supper.

Often, when we finish supper, she goes out to sit in the porch swing, but not that night. She went right to the couch and began her wait – of two hours! I told her I wouldn’t let her miss it – even offered to turn a timer on, but she stayed right where she was. At 7, she was ready, but she didn’t seem to be watching it as closely as I thought she would. She giggled several times, but was serious through much of it. When it was over, she jumped up for her bath and didn’t mention it again.

It wasn’t until the next morning that I found out just how much she had been paying attention. She asked about going to grandma and grandpa’s house and I told her we couldn’t. She laughed and said “Elmo says stay home!” Yes! Thank you, Elmo! She still may not understand why we can’t go many places, but since Elmo said it, she was willing to follow his lead. 🙂

As much as she wanted to be like Elmo, Wednesday and Thursday were a little off for both of them. He was louder than he has been in a long time and was stuck on his anxiety song. She had her “look” going on – the one that anyone who knows her well knows means she is getting upset and the situation needs diffused before she blows. Luckily, I was able to find enough things to distract her and by that afternoon, they were both back to normal – whatever that means at this point.

Casey has said she is going to Hopewell on May 1st. I have told her many times I didn’t think she would be going that day and have decided that we need to write cancel on her calendar for part of May, too. If that changes, it will be a happy surprise. I just think she needs enough warning that she won’t be going that day – or hell may come to our house that morning. I am so proud and amazed at how well Casey and Rob are handling this drastic change in our lives, but I’m realistic, too. They will reach the end of their patience.

It has been really hard for them to not spend time with grandpa and grandma and Tracie. They do get to see Mandy and Cory, but not often, and we don’t go to their house. I truly thought they both might be okay missing Hopewell for a few days. When Casey labeled this spring break, it seemed easier for them to accept. She is still calling it spring break – a “weally wong spring break” (that’s really long spring break! 🙂 ) Rob really hasn’t said much. He still spends time (a few hours a week) with his buddy from work, Bob (staff), and Bob has told him many times that Hopewell is closed and has taken him by the building to show him.

Casey is thrilled to spend time with Reagan, another staff from the day hab. Honestly, if it weren’t for Bob and Reagan, I don’t even want to think about what our lives would be like right now. Having those visits to look forward to bring such huge smiles. We also walk a few miles every day. As we walk by the roped off playgrounds, Casey says “dat’s silly” amd that she isn’t sick.

It’s hard enough to explain to a typical person the need to wear masks and how the virus can be shared before you even feel sick, but to Casey and Rob, it’s nearly impossible. She will look at me and say “not sick! good!” and I have to tell her again that I know she doesn’t feel sick, but we have to keep grandpa and grandma safe and stay home. (on a side note – my parents are remodeling their upstairs. Casey has decided the corona virus is upstairs at their house. No clue how she ever came to that conclusion! 🙂 )

I will be honest. As much as this stay at home stuff has disrupted millions of lives, it has been nice, too. (and no, I am not discounting the financial and health scary stuff!) Most days, by the time they get home from day hab, they need to decompress in their rooms until supper. I get home, start supper, clean it up and I’m ready to crash. This time together has allowed us to spend some awesome time having fun with each other.

Casey and I do crafts. Rob will paint, too, and I got to play with Legos with him the other day. (As long as I didn’t touch his favorite ones, anyway!) I love walking with them and talking – trying to engage them in things we see around us. Sometimes, it works, other times, I might as well be on the moon for all the attention they pay me. But, I keep trying – we aren’t too tired to keep trying! Some days, it’s Casey and I dancing around the living room while Rob watches us with a little grin and a “They are nuts” look in his eye.

If you missed the Elmo special, it is online and Sesame Street also has a ton of other free stuff. I’m sure not everyone is so enthralled with Sesame Street, so hearing Elmo talk about staying home and being safe may not work for everyone. But, it may be worth a try. Please, stay safe, stay home, stay healthy. Give yourself permission to cry or yell or sleep or eat junk food – whatever you need to take care of yourself. Your child is depending on you now more than ever. 🙂

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Autism and the Little Things

Autism and the Little Things

With all the craziness still happening in the world, I thought I would share some bright spots from our week – and show the autism doesn’t always win!

1. Rob asked for a haircut! Yes – you read that right! When he was small, hair cuts were a nightmare for him and me and usually involved me holding him tight against me as my mom used the scissors. By the time it was over, he was screaming, I was crying and we were both exhausted. Now, I know it was all sensory but, at the time, it didn’t really matter.

He has let me use clippers on his hair for years (I never have figured out why the scissors were more terrifying than the buzzing clippers) but today was the first time he asked for one. Then, he stuck his chin out and made me understand he wanted a shave, too! I’m still amazed! 🙂

2. Another Rob thing… Trimming his nails. Again, it used to be like trimming nails on an octopus. He hated every single second of it and fought like a wild cat. He’s been okay with having his nails cut for a while now, but he really doesn’t like it.

Tonight, as I cut them, he inspected each nail and if I didn’t cut it enough to suit him, he folded all the other fingers and stuck the one that needed done again in the clippers. 🙂

3. Casey roasted her own marshmallows! While she loves them, she has always been scared to be close to the fire pit. Tonight, she did it! Very carefully, but with a huge grin on her face. It was so exciting to see! 🙂

4. We went for our walk one day last week. When we got home, I asked Casey to get the mail for me. Our mailbox is beside the street and this is always been something I never dared to have her do.

She was so proud to open the mailbox and bring the mail to me. She even waited in the yard for a car to pass before she looked in the box! 🙂

5. Rob swept his room! He has before, but it’s often a quick brush and not really done well. This time, he moved his shoes, containers of blocks and the fan. He even swept behind his recliner and door. He doesn’t like to use the sweeper, but he’s getting awesome with the broom! 🙂

6. There are signs along the path we walk – little things to build conversation between families. (these are new and change often since the social distancing started…. Walking is about all families can do together away from home.) Anyway, Casey was beside me and Rob was several feet behind us.

I read one to Casey that asked her to name three things that start with R. She said Rob, red and Rose. I tried another letter and she answered again, but said done.

Since it was quiet, I realized I could hear Rob. He was reading all of the signs and even answering some of the questions! He talks so quietly, I hadn’t heard him before. More proof that there is so much in their minds that we may never know about! 🙂

7. This one has been happening for a few weeks, but I’m still so excited about it that I wanted to share it again. Rob doesn’t like change in his routine and I always try to tell them before they leave in the morning (you know – before social distancing and the fact we are all here together! 🙂 ) who would be here when the shuttle brought them home or if Grandma and Grandpa were picking them up that day.

We decided to try personal care services and split Casey and Rob up. She is fine without him, but he relies on her a lot when they are together (though, in crowds, they reach for each other and hold hands 🙂 ). His buddy Bob would be taking him places, while Casey would go with Reagan. I knew Casey would be fine and she was beyond excited to go.

Rob, though – I had serious doubts. Especially since they would have to wait at their day hab until Bob and Reagan were ready and most of their friends would have left. But – Rob was awesome! He waited for Bob and never got anxious at all. Now, he gets so excited when he knows Bob is coming! Another big step of independence for him!

To anyone outside an autism family, these things may seem not worth mentioning at all. To me, they are huge steps that show the continuous progress both Rob and Casey are making. It seems every day one or the other shows me something else that they know or can do that I didn’t know about. I love being pleasantly shocked by this!

There were so many years that I doubted either of them would be able to do anything or go anywhere without me gripping tightly to them and avoiding so many places so I didn’t set off Casey’s sensory issues or his anxiety. We were somewhat isolated from everyone but close family and I expected that would continue.

I share these little things to give each of you hope that your difficult days will end, too. Not that we don’t have….umm… interesting… days at times, but not like we used to. If this lock down would have happened when Casey was little, she would still be screaming (snow days were hell – she screamed bloody murder until her regular time to come home, then she slipped right into her after school routine). Now, she is giggling about walks in the park and coloring eggs on Saturday.

I hope all of you are safe and that your loved one with autism is handling this massive change without being too upset. Please take care and look for your bright spots every day! 🙂